Getting Played Page #5

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to the groove when I'm inside #

# I like the way you please #

# The way you tease... #

So, how's your game?

You're not going to believe

what's been happening to me, man...

but I know you can appreciate it.

Ohh.

So, this... this whole thing started

about, what, ten days ago, right?

I just closed on this property.

I'm feeling good.

I decided to treat myself to lunch...

at this nice trendy spot on Ocean...

you know...

where your waitress friend

used to work.

We don't have to talk about that.

Cool, because I usually just

grab a sandwich somewhere.

But you were...

- celebrating.

- Celebrating.

Exactly, my brother.

If the light's on...

and you're not ready...

they will take your ass

for a ride every time, OK?

Words to live by.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Sorry I'm late. Mwah!

I just had to fire my bartender.

Joe?

- Really?

- Yeah.

- God, I need a drink.

- Oh, me, too.

Waiter!

Mmm. I agree, I agree.

Maybe you haven't met

the right man yet.

Well, I'll say this.

There isn't one man out there...

that I couldn't have

if I really wanted him.

What?

I don't think men

are that predictable.

I do.

All right, fine. What about... him?

- Him?

- Yeah.

Oh, let's be real.

That's not even a challenge.

- OK.

- All right.

- What about...

- Emily, they're all the same.

That's a bit simplistic, isn't it?

I mean, they can't all be the same.

Well, let's find out.

What do you ladies say to a wager?

- What kind of wager?

- A simple one.

I say any man can be seduced,

no ifs, ands, or buts.

Agreed. So?

We'll think of it as a game.

We pick a man completely at random,

a total stranger...

and we each take turns

attempting to seduce him.

And to make it more interesting...

we each have only one night,

one shot to get the job done.

- Who said that?

- You're kidding, right? This is a joke.

I've got it.

The first one through the door.

Yeah.

That's pretty random. Why not?

So, when do we begin?

I say right now.

Aah!

Excuse me! Watch out! Aah!

Aw!

Whoo! Whew!

- Hey.

- Mr. Sellers.

Hey, you may be approached

by a lady asking about me...

and if you are,

this is what I need you to say.

# I like the way you lock on

to the groove when I'm inside #

# I like the way you please #

# The way you tease #

# I like the way you're giving me

exactly what I need #

Come on, do you think I'm drunk?

You bullshittin', right?

You making all this up to torture me.

Would I lie to you, man?

Hold up. It don't stop there.

So, like, a few days go by.

Nothing happens, so I'm figuring...

maybe these ladies had a few

too many martinis, and they forgot.

And then...

- Ooh!

- Oh!

- I am so sorry.

- Oh, man.

- Let me help you out.

- You know what? No problem. I got it.

- OK.

- Oh, I'm such a klutz.

Are you sure it was actually her?

You said you really didn't see them.

Believe me,

I managed to get a good look...

when I walked through the front, OK?

It was her for sure.

So, we made a date for dinner,

and as you can imagine...

I'm feeling pretty good

about things right now.

- Ha ha.

- It's not fair.

What's not fair?

It's happening to you and not me.

What can I say? God loves me, J.

Don't play like that.

So, where y'all go?

I took her to this sexy place

on Melrose.

I knew she'd like that.

But let me explain.

This woman isn't just beautiful, man.

She's radiant.

And she's a professional actress,

so she got to be fine.

Anyway, she's flirting.

She's bumping her leg on my leg

under the table or whatever, you know?

And not enough to be obvious...

but just enough to keep a man

playing close attention.

Right, right, right.

So, this is where

I take it over the top.

I make up this story

about my fiance...

and how she dumped me

for my best friend.

And I'm practically in tears,

and I know it's bullshit.

Denzel ain't got nothing on me, dawg.

That's my boy!

So, what happened after dinner?

Boy, where has the time gone?

You know, J, I got to get out of here.

Hey, look, look, don't play, OK?

You ain't going nowhere.

What happened? Tell me.

She practically ripped my clothes off.

Uh-uh.

She came out the bathroom.

She's standing there

in her bra and panties...

looking like she stepped out

of Victoria's Secret.

Ooh.

Tyra Banks on steroids,

everything matching.

Sweet toes.

Ooh. Sweet toes?

I'm, like, you know,

"Maybe... Maybe we should wait."

She's, like, "I want you naked now."

Whoa. And then what?

- You really want to know?

- Yes, I do.

Whew.

How long you been knowing me, man?

A long time.

And you could say roughly

I'm an experienced guy, right?

Yeah.

Let me be honest, J. We did things.

Such as?

- Things.

- What kind of things?

I'm freaked out just

thinking about it right now, man.

Well, try hard.

Let me just say,

we... we invented new positions.

I need to see my chiropractor right now.

How many?

Josh, a real gentleman

does not tell his business.

Then you should have no problem,

Mark.

Whatever.

Anyway, what she didn't know was,

when she went in the bathroom...

I found the video camera

which I knew would be there.

She hid the camera?

Amazing how devious

some people can be, huh?

Yeah.

So, I unplugged the video cable.

Are you sure you didn't dream all this?

Dream? It was real.

I've already met

bachelorette number two.

She pretended to be

in the market for a house...

so I gave her a guided tour.

Ha ha!

Smart girl.

So, what did she look like?

Whoo! Mmm, mmm, mmm.

- Like that?

- Like that.

Mmm.

- Whew.

- I can't believe it.

- So, when's the next date?

- This Saturday.

I would say, "Wish me luck,"

but there's really no need to...

because as you can see,

I'm doing well. Ha ha!

Don't do that. Don't hate, Jack.

Um, any chance of you and Kim

getting back together?

- Yeah.

- I mean, I don't like being by myself.

And late at night...

when I'm at home...

man, I've been overusing

my palm pilot.

Uhh.

I'm serious. I'm starting to get

arthritis in both hands.

That's too much information, J.

I don't need to know all that, man.

There's nothing wrong

with pleasuring yourself, Mark.

Check. Ahem.

I'm only human, OK?

And I got sexual needs

that's got to be satisfied.

Check! Any check, please.

- I got a callus on this one right here.

- Help!

OK. If you ever fall in love with

a young boy, and he drop you...

I'm going to tell you

how you get back at him.

Have sex with his father.

Oh, that'll hurt him, that'll hurt him.

He come home from the club

late one night.

His father got one of them...

old Bobby Womack,

Gene Chandler records on.

He figures Daddy in there having sex

with Sister Jenkins from the church.

That's when I come bouncing out,

look at him...

and go, "Your daddy said

take the garbage out...

before you go to bed."

That'll kill him.

When he's busy, I'm easy.

You can have sex with me

on the hood of a car.

You just need to keep the car running,

so my back don't get cold.

I'm easy like that.

Mmm! And then, ladies,

you need to fix yourself up.

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