Gigantic Page #4

for a little bit?

Knock yourself out.

Ohh, gotta love this f***ing bed

Hey Bri, you got laid recently

didn't you?

And don't f***ing lie to me either.

Hi.

- Hi.

I'm here to see Harriet Lolly?

Happy?

- Yes.

Have a seat on the couch, make yourself comfortable.

There's coffee, Red Bull and Cheezos around the corner.

Just over there.

- Thank you.

Uh, Happy, you have a visitor.

Dude ... sir, what's your name?

- Brian Weathersby.

Brian, you heard it.

Ok.

She'll be right out.

- Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi ... what are you doing here?

- Hi, uh, you said to stop by.

Wow, nobody honours that system.

So old-fashioned.

Well, that's how I roll.

- That's great.

Are you really busy? Right now? I could come back ...

- No ... no ... I'm not ...

I barely have a job,

so do you wanna see this?

Sure.

It's really fascinating.

- Ok.

We're gonna have to lay low because my sister's

on a warpath and she's a f***ing sniper ... hey Doug.

Oh, I'm sorry ...

Hello.

Why don't we do it like

we always do?

Hey Hap.

- Hi Conner.

This is my friend Brian.

Hey dude.

- Hi.

You look like her old boyfriend

Doesn't he?

Totally.

How do you guys know each other?

Uhm, Brian sold my father

a mattress.

Oh, you work in the mattress store?

Hey, you get me a good deal?

Probably not.

Your shoulder's a lil tight.

Yo Kim...

F***!

I gotta jack.

Oh, here's my sister.

Hi.

I'm Melanie Lolly.

- Hi, Brian Weathersby.

I look like a f***ing' mannequin

in this thing, don't I?

No, absolutely not.

Melanie sort of hosts the show.

Congratulations.

- Will you just go to the monitor and check and see

If I look like a massive wall of grey

- Yes, yes ...

I do?

- No, you don't ... yes, I'll look at the monitor.

Thank you.

Uh, what is that?

Press the button.

We sold like,

That's a uh ...

Combination rape whistle, pepper spray

mini brass knuckle key chain.

Yeah, you laughed

when I used one of those once.

She peppered a drunk guy in the valet line

He was really old.

He was an old perv.

So do I look huge?

No, shut up.

- You shut up.

... Wait I'm not saying that this doesn't make

any sense to me, I don't really know what "smackdown" is.

Well, this has been interesting.

So, do you want to do something later?

Sure.

I'm having dinner with my dad

if you wanna come?

Please?

Ok.

Do I have to get dressed up?

Kinda.

Ok.

I should check with work, though.

Oh, are you open at night?

Right

... what?

It's called the Bobcat ...

It's on 62nd Street,

You've got 2 hours and 45 minutes

to get ready.

Sorry, I got a little lost.

Yeah, city's laid out in a perfect grid

I can see how that can happen ...

Hi, I'm Brian.

Ducky.

Brian, this is Ducky Settinstall.

Ducky, meet Brian.

He's recently started

sleeping with my daughter.

Albert.

- Dad.

Am I incorrect? Please tell me if I'm being incorrect.

- Albert ...

Bobby, another bottle of Merlot please.

Brian, am I correct?

Well, no.

It's just been

the one time in your car

So if we do it again

Then I think you could call it

sleeping together, right?

Fantastic.

And how's the adoption going?

Brian's in the middle of adopting

A kid from China.

Oh, so you would like ...

- I don't get it.

You've got fertile soil

right next to you here.

Are you not planning on sticking around,

or is it an ammunition issue?

Dad?

- Harriet.

Why do you think you and Ducky

don't make a formal commitment?

Is it because she works for you?

You think it might be a conflict of interest

So you just have

a hotel relationship?

I think I'll have the lamb ...

... and a free sal salad ...

I think I'll have the clams.

So ... seriously,

I'm ... I'm just interested.

Suppose this Chinese baby plan works

And you get the kid,

what's the long term finance structure?

Who's the mother?

Who provides the feminine support?

What happens when the kid

gets her period?

I'm asking the tough questions.

Go!

The long term finance structure?

Yeah, I assume you make peanuts

at the mattress factory,

On a meagre salary?

Well, I guess we'll just

eat less food.

They don't eat a lot in China anyway,

and they're much healthier so ...

It'll be some cost-cutting measures

like that, less food, no heat, et cetera

You won't be laughing

when the tuition bills come in

And she wants a horsie

or he wants a Countach.

What's a Countach?

It's ... it's a Lamborghini.

A car.

Well, it sounds totally preposterous

somebody your age adopting a baby.

No wife,

No nothing.

But I admire it.

I admire the hell out of it.

How old are you

going to be anyway?

I'm going to be 29.

Christ to a cracker!

You speak Chinese?

- I'm learning.

I speak a little Mandarin, pretty fluent Thai but

that's the extent of my Asian language.

How much do you make in the job?

Well, it's a commission-based thing so,

the more I sell the more I make.

Believe it or not,

I understand how commission works.

Now pipe down.

Talk numbers. How much?

I generally sell 5 beds a month,

and I get 5%

Of the pre-tax sales.

You make $700 every month?

Yes.

- That could work.

You like Harriet?

- Yes.

She's had a tough go-over. You mess her up,

I'll kill your parents ... your parents still alive?

Yes.

- Good.

Let's go girls. C'mon up ...

Say goodnight to Brian.

Goodnight Brian.

Dad, I think I'm gonna

walk with Brian.

Not this late at night you're not.

Get in the car.

It's only 9:
30.

Suit yourself.

Take the avenues, no sidestreets.

Here here, take this.

What's this?

It's a switchblade.

Don't lose it, I got it in Corsica.

Bye daddy.

Goodnight darling.

Hey Larry.

Whoa, what up ...

I was in the neighbourhood

This is Harriet ...

Oh ...

Hi.

How are ya?

Larry.

Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

So, what are you up to?

Oh, me, I'm just having some dinner

drinking some vodka.

You, uh, you want some?

Is that purple vodka?

Yeah, just put a little

extra sh*t in there.

I'll have some.

- Yeah. Brian?

Uh ... sure, I guess.

- Alright.

Let's do this.

You guys want a little bit

of ethanol?

No.

There you go. One for you.

One for you.

One for me.

Hey, uh,

can we go down to the pool?

Yeah, sure.

Absolutely.

Yeah you wanna use the wee lil' key here.

Thanks.

- No problem. Have a great time.

Bye Larry.

- Nice to meet ya.

So what are we doing here?

We swim.

In the nude, I presume?

Well, pretty much.

Let's go up here.

Effectively combines

The dark, heights,

public nudity.

What if I'm scared?

You're not.

Yes I am ...

How do you know?

Well, I did it.

Good for you.

Am I a virgin ...

Being thrown into the snakepit?

to honour the Kraken?

I think we both know

that's not the case.

Can we have sex over there?

Do you want me to go ask

the security guard?

Sweden have a quarter of the available light

we have here in the US.

And?

And what does less light mean?

- Shorter days.

Yes, but more importantly

longer nights.

These motherfuckers know how to

get themselves some sleep.

Me, I sleep like the dead anyway

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