Gigli Page #7

- Close your eyes.

- What?

Close your eyes. Follow me.

Just walk in. Don't look.

Come on. Go. You're fine.

- Can I open them?

- No. Stand right here.

- It's cold in here.

- Don't look at nothing. All right?

- Can I open them?

- No.

Stay turned around.

Smells like my grandmother's.

- What was that?

- It's nothing.

I like big butts and I cannot lie

The other brothers can't deny

When the girls walk in

with an itty-bitty waist

And round things in your face

You get sprung, wanna pull up tough

'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed

'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong

And I'm down to get the friction on

So, ladies, yeah

Ladies, yeah

If you wanna roll in my Mercedes

Yeah

So turn around! Stick it out!

Even white boys got to shout

Baby got back!

Baby got back!

That's an old-school song.

You're old-school, too, Larry.

We got an item that we want

to package ourselves and, you know...

- Mail out.

- Okay.

Could we just get an envelope from you?

What size would you like?

- Just the top, right...

- 6 by 9.

So all right.

We're done, right?

That's it.

Thanks.

Would you like your parcel insured?

No, that's all right.

I'll be right back.

Friend of yours?

Close, personal.

You know something?

You're right. It is sadness.

I'm f***ing sad. You got me.

You're a genius.

You know why I'm f***ing sad?

Because I got this f***ing...

beautiful, sexy, gorgeous...

heartthrob-o-rama,

f***ing smart, amazing bombshell...

17-on-a-f***ing-10-scale girl...

sleeping in a bed, right next to me.

And you know what?

She's a stone-cold dyke.

A f***ing untouchable...

unhaveable, unattainable brick wall...

f***ing Dykeasaurus Rexi.

So it's sad, okay?

What do you want me to do?

I feel f***ing sadness about that.

There's nothing I can f***ing do.

And not only is she a major babe...

but I really like this girl a lot.

A lot.

She's not like anybody else

I ever knew before...

and that's a completely f***ing new one

on me.

I don't even know her real f***ing name.

So there you go.

And in case you're interested, my life sucks.

All right? Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Clean the bar all you like.

I'm just going to puke on it again.

- Oh, you got me.

- Oh! I got you!

Do you think your fingernails

need trimming?

They're fine.

What? You don't like my fingernails now?

Look, I have no idea if this is true or not,

but I've heard it said...

that those who are balanced

more toward the masculine of either sex...

check their fingernails this way.

And those balanced more toward

the feminine check them that way.

I had a feeling that even though

you have this tough guy thing going on...

that you are wrestling

with some very strong feminine leanings.

That's f***ing bullshit.

I can't see. I'm farsighted.

Nearsighted, whatever it is.

So I hold them out here

but I can't see them up close.

To find out how somebody's

balanced toward a masculine, look at me.

I can't see. That's why I hold them far away.

- All right.

- Yeah, it is all right.

No, all right.

I was gonna do this. That's what I wanna do.

But I know I can't see

so I hold them out there to look at them.

All right.

Don't give me that look.

I see you looking at me.

- Are you gay?

- What the f***.

No. I'm not gay!

Why do you look at me and think I'm gay?

I'm not f***ing gay!

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm f***ing sure.

You know what, I bet you're right.

- Thank you.

- It wasn't a compliment.

Ricki, whatever your real name is,

all right, this is my eyes.

Look how I'm acting.

You're driving me crazy.

You give me a f***ing headache.

I don't even know why I had a crush on you,

back a long time ago when I first met you...

that you really cured me of.

I don't know.

Maybe it's because you know

I can kick your ass.

Maybe that turns you on.

You cannot kick my ass.

What?

You need a woman.

I got one.

Stop.

Kiss me again.

I thought you wanted to be my b*tch.

This is so f***ed up.

- Where you going?

- It's turkey time.

Gobble, gobble.

What?

Now, you talk the talk...

you know I'm expecting

you to walk the walk. Come on.

Show me what I've been missing

my whole life.

Lay some of that sweet "heterolingus"

on me.

I think...

to be serious...

I just... You know, I think...

I was thinking, you know,

and you were right...

when you said probably,

actually a woman might know more...

about what feels better to another woman.

She's a woman herself.

A guy might be at a certain disadvantage.

You know, like...

It's like, you need a handicap.

You know, like golf.

Shut up and get over here.

God bless you, penis.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Every relationship has a bull and a cow?

That's right.

Just to be up front about all this...

when this gig is over...

I want you to know

that I'm going to be leaving.

Listen...

you and Trixie over there,

meet me at Beverly and Lomitas.

Louis, what's going on?

And don't bring the thing.

- The what?

- The thing. Don't bring it.

What thing?

The thing. Don't bring... Don't bring it.

- You mean the...

- Yeah. Don't bring it.

You leave it somewhere safe

for the time being.

- All right.

- You understand?

- Yeah, I understand.

- And hurry up, jackass.

What?

It's Louis. F***ing pissed.

See this? Some cookies in there.

Be back.

- When are you coming back?

- Soon.

- Just relax, eat your breakfast. Okay?

- I'm not hungry, though.

Well, you can't skip breakfast.

It's a very important meal. All right?

Don't go nowhere. Don't touch nothing.

- Don't make phone calls. I'm not kidding.

- All right, Larry.

All right. See you later.

- Bye, Ricki.

- Bye, Brian.

- What?

- Nothing.

You know, I got this fantasy.

About making it with a guy?

No.

That's not it.

Going somewhere, you know,

like, somewhere really...

clean.

- Clean?

- Yeah.

No scumbags telling you what to do.

Nobody yelling at you all the time.

Someplace you could just be.

Be yourself.

No bad stuff.

That sounds good.

- What's up?

- We have a visitor from New York.

Follow me.

Hello.

- Welcome. Nice to meet you.

- Hello, sir.

Finally. Nice to meet you, too.

Come. Look at you. Beautiful.

Come on in. Here. Grab a couch.

Sit, sit.

I say everything twice. In, in. Sit, sit.

I'm so glad you could come...

on such a short notice, too.

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

I really... I thank you.

I appreciate it. Here, I've got some stuff.

I'm sorry if I'm a bit of a mess,

but I just got in a few hours ago.

I'm sure Louis told you,

you know, I'm having...

some little legal problems

out here right now.

What are you gonna do? It's a nuisance,

but what are you going to do?

I got to fight it, right?

I mean, I can't go to jail.

That just can't happen.

I'm used to the finer things.

- Louis, am I right?

- You are right.

It can't be. So I think we can say...

beyond a shadow of a doubt,

that it's not gonna happen.

Somewhere a mistake has been made.

Did you know...

that apparently some people...

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