Girl Walks Into a Bar Page #4

It's a free country, right?

We didn't ask you to sit down.

Now if I told you that

you had a beautiful body,

would you hold it against me?

Those are the worst pick-up

lines I've ever heard.

You're bothering my friends.

But moi you?

Me, oh no, I'm enjoying this.

See, I could tell from across the room

that you were a woman of taste.

I'm Ralph.

You already said that.

Did I?

Well, it is so hard to concentrate

with the three of you,

you're like a club sandwich from heaven.

Maybe this is the time.

Maybe I should introduce

a more personal note.

You married, Ralph?

Yeah,you love your wife?

You got kids?

You carry their pictures

around in your wallet?

You want to see 'em'?

No, what I want is for you

to apologize to my friends...

I'm sorry.

And never see them again.

I won't.

- Not even at the club?

- Not even at the club.

See, one loser approaches them,

pretty soon all losers assume

they can waltz right on over

and strike up a conversation.

It's a slippery slope, and

they can't afford to lose

that kind of credibility.

So no more Chick Planet for you.

But I'm a VIP there.

Not any more, stop

living in the past, Ralph.

It's time to go.

Okay

Get up mow

Okay

All the way to your

car, yeah, keep walking.

You just blew my mind.

Detective!

I love you.

I just remembered where

Teri was going tonight.

Just came to you, huh?

Okay, I have a problem

with authority, I admit it.

Don't tell her I'm a detective,

just let me talk to her.

Okay

Bottoms up, partner

Can I buy you one?

So, how you doing, Katie?

You getting some on a regular basis?

My name's Camilla.

Creature as good looking as you,

I sure hope you're getting some.

Well, thanks for the concern.

Wait, stay.

I'll bet you we got something in common.

My name is Dodge, in

case you were wondering.

I haven't gotten some in so long.

Might tonight, though.

I don't know.

So, what, it's your birthday?

Coming out party.

You're gay

Coming out from someplace else.

Oh you're a tough guy

Let's not put labels on a man.

Life is unfriendly enough as it is.

You want another one?

I want you to tell me

what's bothering you.

Me?

Nothing.

You were on the phone earlier.

What was that all about?

You eavesdropping on me?

I read lips real good,

little talent you develop inside.

You're bluffing.

Are we playing cards?

Bluffing to try to get me to

reveal something about myself.

"Emmet, it's me again.

I don't mean to be a pest."

Now first of all, a woman

like you could never be a pest.

You don't have the tone of voice for it.

You know, you gotta have a

certain screechiness, you know?

How did you hear that?

"I meant it when I said

I don't need a commitment,

"but there is a game being played

I don't want to be any part of."

- Okay, okay, stop.

- Who is Emmet?

Nobody

Some guy, my neighbor.

You're having a fling

with your neighbor?

Is he married?

Divorced.

T gotta get back to Work

What work?

How long you been dating this guy?

Weeks, months?

It's been seven, eight months.

He's not your upstairs neighbor?

What if he is?

Bedroom isn't just above yours?

It is.

That's your trouble right there.

So, when you're not out with

him, he says he's at home,

you hear his bed springs creaking.

He's got some other broad up there?

So what do I do?

You have to move...

and you might want to put

up a couple more of those,

my kids are about to show up.

How do you know?

I can feel them.

Teri:
All words have double meanings,

even the small words all

bundled up in death and sex and-

What is this?

Just take a deep breath

You're an a**hole.

Teri!

Let her go!

Do yourself a favor and

never have a daughter.

Cuddliest little things

until about the age of 12,

then be prepared to be banished forever.

I once dodged a bullet from her.

True story, not a figure of speech.

Sorry, Dodge, she gets so emotional.

Lei her be

Ah, Tatiana, Annabel?

This is my kid.

- Thanks

- Mm-hmm

I've been dreaming...

that I can't sleep.

I wake up exhausted every morning.

I got this bag for you.

Yeah

All words have double meanings,

even the littlest of ones.

That's why you can't trust words, Henry.

I got this for you, too.

It's Spanish, antique.

It's for food.

I'm glad you're out.

Women are the most

resilient of creatures.

You can do anything you want to a woman,

and maintain her respect.

You can forget a romantic anniversary,

you can cheat on her

with her best friend.

You can pop her in the

rear once in a while

just to change the pace of things.

But you must never never

let her smell your poop.

This is my gift to you, son.

Never forget it

Thanks, Dad

Keep it tight.

I'll cherish it.

You ready for another one?

Do you mind if I ask you something?

What's in the suitcase?

Bones

What is that, like,

slang for domino bones?

Human

Skeleton.

So why does he like

- carries those around?

Puts them together and

he takes them apart.

Helps him relax.

He used to be a science teacher.

You okay?

Are you close with your dad?

He died last year.

Thai sucks

Yeah

He had Alzheimer's.

I spent all Christmas with

him watching soccer on TV.

European League

He had no idea who was playing.

He'd start rooting for a team

and them ask me who it was

I'd leave the room and walk back in

and he'd greet me with this huge smile.

Ask me all sorts of questions.

Soon enough he didn't know

who I was, what anything was.

Suddenly you realize that

all we are is our memory.

Life doesn't mean anything

unless you can remember it.

Excuse me

Hello?

You Henry?

Yeah

It's your sister.

Nice going.

Because he wanted to surprise you.

Look, Teri, I'm still trying

to figure this out myself, okay?

How many years ago was that?

The man beat me, too, but I got over it.

You stole his Cadillac and he got mad

and so he shaved your head

while you were sleeping.

It wasn't the most fatherly thing to do,

but it happened

Okay, I'll be right over.

Family.

What was that for?

In case I get Alzheimer's

and I forget that I

really wanted to do that.

Hey, guys!

- Hey, June!

- How you doing, girl?

Oh, you know, can't complain.

How's the acid reflux?

Way better.

I switched to white

wine like you suggested,

and, oh, my God, huge difference.

Well, I told you.

Yeah, but I gotta admit...

I'm still eating chocolate.

Well, some things you

just can't give up.

I know, I mean, I've cut way

down, but it's just so hard.

Y'all feeling limber tonight?

Ready for trouble, baby.

Oh, well, have fun.

Hey Mr Trombone

How you doing, sweetheart?

Not too shabby.

Where's the missus?

Aw, she's upset with me.

Oh, what did you do this time?

Don't don't

- don't get me started.

I took her to the race

track, Hollywood Park?

Yeah?

I like to humor her with some bets

and she always picks the

horse with the cutest name.

I mean, Fluffy Banana.

Who the hell names

their horse that, huh?

I mean it kind of

makes you wonder, right?

So you didn't place the bet?

No, I couldn't, you know, I

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