Girl Walks Into a Bar Page #5

put the money on Silver Prelude,

now that's one hell of a damn horse.

You know, you've been through

this before, Mr. Trombone.

That son of a b*tch beats

my horse out by a nose

in a photo finish.

Muriel almost crapped her pants.

30 to 1 odds on Fluffy Banana.

I mean, how could I put

money on a horse like that?

Aw, I'm sorry, Mr. Trombone.

Ah, anyway, you know Muriel.

I'm getting the treatment.

Yeah, she'll come around.

She always does.

At least the house is quiet.

I got that to look forward to,

and I, you know, I got my health.

Have you lost weight?

Yeah, maybe, I mean she hasn't

fed me since that happened.

But, you know, I'll

probably put it back on.

Don't worry.

I'm not.

Have fun tonight.

You too sweetheart

You should probably wear this.

Hey, guys, it's members-only night.

Well, that's a good thing,

because this is a

members-only hold-up.

- Jesus Christ!

- Jesus Christ!

Wallets, purses, jewelry, go, go, go!

Hey, you should probably put that on

or she's gonna pick

you out in a line-up.

It takes an average of 15 seconds

to form a personal picture

of someone in a crisis.

Or would you rather I just shoot her?

Jesus Christ, put it on!

No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.

I'll put it on, you don't

have to do that- -why-

Shut up, why don't you just

go watch the door, okay?

Right.

Hey, fill up this bag, fill

it up, watches, watches, okay?

Here

No, not that one, the gold one.

Okay

Okay were you go

What the hell would I want

to do with a plastic watch?

I don't know.

Hey,hey, what are you doing?

I told you to go watch the door.

I don't want to have to kill this b*tch.

No, no, don't

- don't, don't kill her.

Not that door, go park your

ass in front of the curtain,

make sure nobody is peeking in.

Ah, phones, too, the phones?

Oh here

Great, great, you're doing great.

You've got great eyes, by the way.

Yeah, they just hit you like, bam!

Spring-loaded glove

to the face, ha-ha-ha!

I'm sure you've heard

that before, though.

Please don't hurt me, okay?

I just work here part-time.

Well, what do you want to be?

I'm studying to be a dental hygienist.

What are the chances, he's a dentist.

I'm a dentist.

Hey, by the way, how

are we looking in there?

I:

- I don't know.

Why don't you check, Einstein?

Make sure nobodys peeking in, okay?

What?

Can you believe these perverts?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I doubt it.

Aldo always says I don't

see the big picture,

well, now I see it and it's panoramic.

What's panoramic?

You know, like a wide-screen

TV with the black bars

at the top and the bottom.

Yeah, I know what the word means.

All right, then let's take

some pictures of these yahoos.

We already have their

names and addresses.

I will bet they would pay

beaucoup bucks to make sure

those pictures don't get

to their kids' schools,

their bosses and whatnot.

Why don't you just let them be, okay?

Because blackmail never works.

What do you know about it?

Because I tried it once in high school.

You should listen to her.

- Take your clothes off.

- What?

- Get in there.

- What are you doing?

This is a robbery, people!

What are you doing?

All right, get in there, take 'em off.

She just Works here Why does she have to

take off her clothes?

Because I want to see

what she looks like.

I am not taking off my clothes.

Okay, look, listen, just-

All right, leave her be,

I'll take my clothes off.

Why would I want you to

take off your clothes?

True

Well, if you're gonna pick on somebody,

pick on that guy over there.

Why him?

He looks mean.

No,see, I like his girlfriend.

That is not his girlfriend.

Hey, you, come here!

- Me?

- Yes, you.

- Let's be gentlemen about...

- Hey, shut up

Yes you come here come on sugar ms

We don't have all day.

Don't call her sugar tits!

You think that's loaded?

What am I, stupid?

You're just saying that.

That one's for show, this one's loaded.

So if I squeeze this

trigger, nothing happens?

Squeeze away compadre.

Damn it

All right, doll face,

let's see what you got.

Leave her alone!

Get out of here, run, everybody run!

Oh, my God, is that you?

No no shh

So you know about Otis?

Is that really you?

No no Karen no that's moi me

This isn't me.

It's not what it looks like.

I am so ashamed.

No, no, don't cry, Karen-

No, no, no, not here.

But when those guys came into the bar,

before I realized it was you,

a single thought came into my head.

First I thought terrorists,

but then it just hit me, like a hammer,

and everything became clear.

I have been so misguided and so selfish,

telling myself that I need

something more from life,

something dangerous, something exciting,

and you are the most exciting thing

that's ever happened to me

Okay, I'm here, you big baby.

You set me up?

I didn't know she was gonna do that.

Now get off him.

- Oh, sh*t, she's a cop.

- Ex-cop.

- You ripped off a cop?

- Ex-cop.

I didn't know.

How stupid could you be?

Can I just say you look

really great from this angle?

See where your hand is, that's a felony.

I was right, though: real.

This better be intact.

I swear, I didn't touch it.

The cash I did spend.

It was an emergency, I'm so sorry.

You spent her cash on Dodge?

Hit him again.

Hey, stop trying to help me, honestly.

Is that me, where is it?

Yeah, it's right there.

Sam, hold on one sec.

Oh, really?

Stay

He fessed up to the whole thing.

What, to you?

No, he fessed up to his wife.

How do you know?

He came clean, soup to

nuts, and she forgave him.

She forgave him?

That's not all.

In the scuffle, a gunshot went off,

and guess whose leg

got hit with the bullet?

The wife's lover.

Bingo.

Okay, so we got him on manslaughter.

No, an accident.

Oh. come on.

I have a room full of naked witnesses

to corroborate it.

Why are they naked?

Wait until you get a load of this.

There is a nudist ping-pong

club in Silver Lake.

The shooting was at the Cracker Shack?

You've been there?

No, I've just seen the sign driving by.

There is no sign, it's members-only.

What can I tell you, I love ping-pong.

A Chopin martini up,

olives, not dirty, bruised.

Two

I felt really bad stealing from you,

but I just want to say one thing.

What?

I bet you're the kind of

woman that looks great naked.

Unbelievable, that sounds

like the guys from my work.

Better than you can ever imagine.

I have a highly developed imagination.

Oh, barf city, Greedo,

you're killing me.

I mean way beyond.

But you'll never know.

Oh poor baby

Turned down by Officer Mucha Muchacha.

Shut up.

Golly, articulate.

Thank you

Shut up.

So willing to engage.

You do, however, owe me big time.

Anything, name it.

You know a bar called

the Bigfoot Lodge?

- Cop bar?

- Mm-hm.

What of it?

I want you to pick a

cop's wallet for me.

Intriguing, is this

like some kind of test,

pick a cop's wallet?

Not just any cop, my ex-husband

Wow, this idea keeps sounding worse.

Why, he won't pay alimony?

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