Goats Page #3

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What do you mean,

you're leaving right now?

It's Thanksgiving!

Stop, right now.

You need to behave.

Why do you have to go?

You know what,

because I need to go.

Please! This isn't fair!

It's totally fair.

Because you're acting out.

This is totally fair, now I feel justified.

She's such a b*tch.

Tastes like ass.

You would know.

If your friend's sleeping over,

I don't want him touching anything

in the guest room.

I leave in two hours.

Don't touch anything.

The credit card is in the kitchen.

You can have Thanksgiving

at the Beckers'.

Fine.

At least you can do whatever you want

the whole weekend.

If she weren't so selfish, she would be

going to Paris on Monday instead.

My mom wrote the book on selfish.

F***.

- I'll call you later, okay?

- All right.

It's good to see you. You look tall.

I grew, I guess.

- You look different, too.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

Judy will be glad to know

that you think I look different.

She's been sort of

cultivating my new image.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

I forgot to show you my store

back there on the right.

I actually sold all 48 stores

to a furniture conglomerate.

They're changing the name to Adobe,

which I think is dumb, but...

What do you do now?

I still... I keep pretty busy.

Yeah, I read a lot.

Yeah.

A senator from Georgia lived

in this house for 30 years in the 1800s.

That's actually a portrait of him there.

Dog lover, I guess.

Listen, about Judy and me,

the reason I wanted you to visit...

I thought I smelled it in the car.

Have you been drinking?

Hey, guys.

Ellis, it's so nice to finally meet you.

You, too.

Whoa. You been hitting

the bottle today?

That's what I thought.

Why don't you bring your bag upstairs?

It's the first bedroom on the left,

and then you can meet us at the table.

You can eat off any lingering inebriation.

He'll be okay.

I don't share Judy's cavalier attitude

about your drinking.

I don't have a cavalier attitude.

Ellis, do you want some more stuffing?

Yes, ma'am.

Ellis, you can call me Judy.

You know, you're the one who's cavalier.

You're married again.

I'm gonna have a new brother or sister,

and you didn't even tell me.

Brother.

A new brother.

You're only 14 years old.

What were you drinking?

And where the hell

were this kid's parents anyway?

I'm 15 years old.

We were drinking scotch,

and Barney's mother's in Paris.

He never sees his father.

Is that supposed to mean something?

He spilled the scotch on me, by the way.

That's why you could smell it.

I barely had any.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Hey, Frank knows you're 15.

I mean, that's how he refers to you,

as his 15-year-old son.

He sent you those hiking boots

for your birthday last June.

I was with him when he bought them.

When he got your midterm grades,

he called to tell me about them. All As.

He said he never once

got all As at Gates.

He's proud of you, Ellis.

Whoa. No.

Thanks.

You've never heard of

Gates Academy? It's very famous.

It's very traditional.

No cell phones, no Internet in the dorms,

they force you to take Latin.

Tell Ellis not to worry.

I mean, Latin's a dead language.

- It's useless.

- I'm taking Spanish.

Say something in Spanish, honey.

That one's smart.

She just said, "I want to eat cheese".

Sorry I'm late.

Ellis is with Frank, and he hasn't called.

He'll call.

- You stoned?

- No.

I told you I'm not.

I'm not.

I love your tie. It's so tribal.

Okay, everybody,

we are going veggie this year.

This is faux turkey.

- It smells wonderful.

- Tofu turkey. Who would've thought?

I wonder what kind of sh*t

they're feeding Ellis in Washington.

You promised. No Frank talk.

So, Javier, tell me about

the next goat trek you're planning.

It's still in the works.

The goats are in training.

They're afraid of the water.

I'll be taking them up

to higher elevation soon, to snow.

Black and tan male

with the horns, Lance...

- Yeah, that's him.

- Lance. Yeah.

He bothers me when I'm reading

my paper by the pool. Very bad gas.

If goats don't fart,

their intestines will explode.

- I highly doubt it.

- No, I've seen it. A major mess.

I saw a baby goat once,

born inside out.

- Inside out.

- Gross!

You know, Jav, I think you may be

onto something with these goat treks.

Yeah, a return to the earth.

You know, I bet Johanna would love

to hear about these goat treks,

wouldn't she?

Wouldn't she? She's our spirit coach.

She's always interested

in new forms of spirit healing.

I'm not sure these treks

have healed my spirit.

I bet they have.

You didn't even notice,

'cause you're not in touch with your spirit.

It's a good point, Javier.

Oh!

What?

- Hello?

- Hey, Mom, it's me.

Ellis, I told you

I needed you here this weekend.

Why didn't you at least

call me yesterday?

Ellis!

Do you want me to wash your fleece?

Yeah, sure. Thank you.

What does she look like?

It's not the same Judy.

It's not the same Judy?

This one's really nice and attractive.

Attractive?

Okay. How young is she?

I don't know.

Maybe a little younger than you.

Figures.

- What about Frank?

- He's fine, I guess.

He has new glasses. Poetry glasses.

Poetry glasses?

Hey, Ellis, Frank's home.

It's time to go.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, Mom. I'm sorry,

but I have to go.

Why?

Frank has some kind of tour planned.

He just got back.

You're making a big mistake.

Mom, I have to go.

- Bye. Okay?

- Fine.

I've been looking

for this record for years.

I can't even find it on the Internet.

Do you even have a turntable?

- Yeah, Goat Man got me one.

- Of course he did.

So, you like Judy?

Yeah, she's really nice.

Look, don't tell her I told you this,

but when you wrote for me

to come down here,

at first I thought you were talking

about the Judy

you brought to Tucson a few years ago.

- The loud obnoxious one...

- That was Trudy.

And she wasn't obnoxious.

She was nervous.

You know it was your mother

that kept me away from Tucson

for all that time.

Every time I'd show up,

she'd start some new drama,

even if I didn't bring along a lady friend.

Does she still refer to me as

"F***er Frank"?

- Hello.

- Can you put Wendy on the phone?

Who's calling?

You know who this is.

Just put her on the phone.

I can't. She went to a healing vortex

workshop in Sedona.

She won't be back till tomorrow.

Okay, when she gets back,

tell her I've gone on a trek,

backside of Mt. Lemmon.

Four days. She likes to know where I go.

Why? As far as I can tell,

she wouldn't care if you disappeared.

She's done

with your chemically-induced lifestyle.

I didn't ask for your response to that...

Hello?

Dick!

He's a dick!

Hey, guys.

You f***ers ate my weed!

That's it, you win!

We're going home.

Idiots.

Yikes.

You ordered the health food?

Dig in.

Pizza.

Ugh. I already feel like a cow.

You're not a cow. Not even close.

He can come back anytime.

Hey, you know, you should really think

about joining us in Telluride this summer.

You can mountain bike and camp and swim.

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