Goods Page #6

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Does Don know what he's doing?

I've seen that man say a lot of crap

just to sell cars and move out of town.

But this time, he really means it.

Truth be told,

he ain't been the same since 'Querque.

- 'Querque?

- The Duke City.

A-Town. Captain Kirk.

Albuquerque.

- Who calls it Captain Kirk?

- I don't know.

We lost a good man down there.

- He quit?

- Died.

- From a car sale?

- Hell, yes.

The rest of us come to terms.

Don's still fighting it.

Wow.

Only Jeff Robins wasn't looking,

so I pegged him in the head.

- What is it?

- It's really a fun juice.

- Okay.

- Okay. Just don't tell your dad.

You know what else is really fun?

Going to a motel and wrestling.

I love wrestling.

I can get you into a figure four leg-lock.

Like this.

You know, your legs'll be all tied up.

Sold.

- You'd be screaming.

- That sounds fantastic.

Okay.

- Are you good at keeping secrets?

- Absolutely.

'Cause I've got a present for you.

Secret present outside,

by the dumpster.

Is it a baseball mitt?

Fits you like a baseball mitt,

like a glove, I hope.

Is it new or is it old?

It will be new for you.

All right, that means

I'm gonna have to break it in.

- Yep.

- I'm gonna have to break it in.

I'm gonna have to...

I'll put a ball in there, and I'll tie it off.

Right.

And then I'll put lotions and oil on it,

and I'll sleep with it under my pillow.

Yeah. That was Turn the Page

by Bob Seger.

I'm Don Ready. Good night.

So listen, let's meet outside

by the dumpster...

- Hey, it's 11:
30, closing time.

- Oh, man.

- I got to go home.

- No. No.

No, I got to go home,

put my pajamas on, and I got to shave.

I know, but, Peter, before we do this,

we'll just...

- We can wrestle later.

- No. In fact, I'm gonna...

Waitress, can we get

another whiskey sour?

- Just for the road, and a...

- We're closed.

...paper cup, please. God damn it!

Just one more drink.

I'll cut off your tits with a knife, you b*tch!

Babs, listen, I like the energy.

Let's play through.

Party back at the Hacienda Courts.

Everyone's welcome. No guys.

If you want to go far

Put yourself in a kicking car

At Selleck Motors

I started Selleck Motors

almost 40 years ago,

and I've had a good run

here at my dealership, and in life.

But now I'm dying, Temecula.

I got cancer of the nads.

But before I die, I want to see

one last big Fourth of July blowout.

So, my family and I are asking you

to come on down to Selleck Motors

and buy one final car from us

before I'm dead.

Looks like the chemo is kicking in,

so you better hurry.

- Jesus, Ben, why didn't you tell me?

- Daddy.

It's just a commercial, Peter.

And, Brent, my privates are fine,

I swear to God.

Good for you, Ben.

It's gonna work, Ben.

It's gonna work like gangbusters.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Okay, if you don't like the car,

then go buy a truck, cheapskates!

Every day, it's a gay safari.

Give me the balloon back. Piece of sh*t.

- Thank you. We appreciate this.

- I'm so sorry.

If there's anything I can do...

It's such a tragedy. Tammy's so brave.

Hey, Don. I'm not sure this is working.

I mean, people clearly care about me

and all, but we're not selling cars.

Stay positive, Ben.

We're gonna hit this hard until 3:00.

When Bice gets here,

he's gonna take it over the top.

Hey.

Can you bring the mood up?

You know, play something good?

Like Y.M.C.A. by the Village People.

You read my mind.

Just out of curiosity,

what time do you get down from there?

Every day they will test you.

Every day they will push you to the brink.

You must fight them, DJ. Fight them.

I'm gonna do something that I don't do.

I'm gonna throw in some free floor mats,

all right?

Now hold on. Hold...

- Jesus.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don! What's going on?

You know what?

If you would've told me 10 years ago

that I were to hit the wall

in a three-day sale in Temecula...

- You're hitting the wall now?

- Well, yeah.

Let me ask you something.

What do you think this means?

- I had this dream. I was just saying...

- Yo! Hey!

...you know, "Listen, Don, you're a..."

- Ivy, let's go.

We got lunch with my mom in,

like, two seconds.

- Be right there.

- We got to hurry.

She'll be drunk in about 15, so giddy-up.

- Don, what happened in Albuquerque?

- Nothing. Nothing happened.

You kidding? It was...

Listen, go have a great lunch with...

With your fianc.

Time to hit the road.

Hey, Don Ready,

looks like you had a rough day.

It's okay,

sometimes it happens in the auto trade.

If you suck.

Hold on.

You got to admit, dude,

that was a good exit line.

- Right? I got a better one.

- Yeah.

Hey, Don Ready, I'll see you in

l-Don't-Know-How-To-Sell-Cars-Ville.

Yeah, that one, granted, not as good,

but that's 'cause

I won't be in that town. F***er.

Damn it. Psych. Psych.

I just psyched you out.

I'm going that way, so f*** you.

All right, people.

We got Eric Bice, brother of Bo Bice,

coming up in the next five minutes.

You might want to sit

in one of our cars...

Hell of a turnout for Bice.

This day's starting to look up, huh?

We need it.

We're getting killed out there today.

- Don, we got problems, big problems.

- What's up?

- Bice isn't showing.

- What?

His booking agent said

he's got adult chickenpox.

But he gave me some other options.

The mascot for the San Jose Sharks

hockey team.

He'll show,

but he can't wear the Shark suit.

What's this I'm hearing about Bice?

He motherfucked us.

He motherfucked us like a pro.

- I'm going on.

- What?

- I'm going on.

- No, wait, Don, be careful.

I'm getting a real sketchy vibe

from this crowd.

Ivy, don't you see? This is everything.

I get to sing, which sells more cars,

which helps your family.

Plus, my son gets to see the old man

come through in the clutch.

What son?

Eric Bice! Eric Bice!

Hey, everyone!

I'm Don Ready. I'm a car salesman.

This is gonna go well.

Yeah. Now, unfortunately,

Eric Bice has adult chickenpox,

but I'm gonna be filling in for him.

Drop it!

Just take those old records off the shelf

I'll sit and listen to them by myself

He's no Bice! He's no Bice!

Yeah, I should've said something.

Don's a bad singer.

I want that old time rock and roll

F*** you!

Aren't you people tired

of being screwed over?

Then let's f***ing riot!

Hold up a minute!

Get him!

Stop it!

Hey... Hello! Hey, guys!

Mr. Selleck, we got to get you

out of here. Come on.

We got to hide, Brent.

We'll be safe in my room.

Hold up a minute!

Hold on! I got a big show!

This does not look good for you,

Uncle Sam.

And concussion.

Don't mess with him!

That kid's got retard strength!

Dork!

See.

Who the f*** brought alligators?

I never thought I'd say this,

but thank God the police are here.

Welcome, police.

Come on,

let's lock up some white people.

Y'all are all retarded.

Hello?

This day is completely shot.

Can you believe these animals?

What the hell's happening

to this country?

What are you talking about, Dick?

You started it.

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