Grabbers Page #4

It's a home brew.

You bring poitn (illegal whiskey)

into my bar?

- A bird never flew on one wing.

- When this is over, we need to talk.

Ah, come off it. This could

save all our lives yet.

- I'll take that!

- Give it back to me! Sh*t!

Paddy!

Careful.

Up you get. Nice and easy.

Guys, Jim, let's get ready

to do the blood test.

- So if you're right, this will kill it.

- Bottoms up.

Okay.

- It must be a teetotaler.

- Bingo.

Okay.

That's good.

- '.2'.

- Holy Christ.

You unnatural eejit (idiot).

You are what could kill us. '.2'?

You are looking at ten pints each,

depending on height and weight.

We'll have to do shots.

Properly third the yard sound of it.

So let's do it.

The Mass is ended. Go in peace

to love and serve the Lord. Amen.

Father, would you mind if I say a

few words? Hi, folks, how are ya?

- "T go maith" (okay).

- Thanks.

Just a quick announcement.

At Maher's Tavern tonight,

we are having a bit of a shindig,

and you are all coming to join us for

what'll be a great night's craic (fun).

So, tell everybody. Tell your friends,

tell your families. Everybody's welcome.

- You are throwing a party?

- Yeah.

- Why?

- Who needs a reason to have a laugh?

It's a welcome party for me.

Welcome party? But you are

leaving in a fortnight.

- This is a goodbye party, whatever.

- Yeah, well, you just got here.

- What's her problem?

- Em, what we mean to say is that...

Hey, bucko! Where are you going?

This party's for your benefit.

And all of you are gonna be there too.

Is... the law, and it's vertical.

I'll arrest any one of you who isn't.

- You! Sit down.

- What Garda Nolan means...

is that... we'd love your company.

There's no point going home

to a cold, empty house...

when there'll be music,

and company, and craic!

- And a free bar.

- A free bar?

- Oh, you are on, boys!

- That's the spirit!

So come on, it's a party,

and the drinks are on us!

How are you, Bridget?

How are you, Pascal?

How are you, love?

Hey, mate, how are you, love?

They are singing our song and

playing our tune, Father.

All right, weapons. What have we got?

Crap.

I have a nail gun and a

board with a nail in it.

Well, I've got a Harley

and a pellet gun.

What are we going to

do with a pellet gun?

Shoot pellets. But I

don't have any pellets.

Oh, right. Well, you can

just wiggle it at them then.

- All right, what have you got?

- I've got a flare gun!

I have dibs on the flare gun.

CPS 4100 Pump-Action

Twin-Jet Super Soaker.

Shoots twenty feet. The nephew's.

Brian, it's a water pistol.

This thing loves water.

It's a water pistol if you use water.

Fill it with petrol,

you've got a flamethrower.

- Dibs on the water pistol.

- Right, look sharp, folks.

You know your stations. Guard each

exit and don't let anyone out!

- Bottoms up.

- Tequila!

Slinte (cheers).

One! Two! Three!

Whooooo!

- Mamie!

- Two shandies, Brian's best.

Two shandies for Mamie!

- How's the heart, Mamie?

- Tip-top.

Thank Christ for that! Next!

Perfect.

- Come here, come here, listen.

- Okay, I'm here.

At the end of the day, it'll...?

I don't know.

- How much have you had?

- Not enough to fancy you.

Well, then, keep drinking.

Blow.

That's it, is it?

You think, I think, I fancy you.

No more for you.

Well, I do. So what do

you want to do about it?

Arrest me?

As... flattering as it is to

hear a... beautiful drunk...

slurring her feelings for me,

now is not the time.

Patrol to base, patrol

to base, come in, over.

Reading you loud and clear.

How're you doing in there?

Ignorance is bliss.

I have to go and wizz.

- You all right?

- I'm a bit bloated.

You haven't touched your pint.

Are you gonna finish it?

- Oh, hold it for me, will ya?

- Oh, here, right.

Is there some fella in there

doing his make-up or something?

Ah, they can't hold their drink.

- Saviours!

- Wait, you've only had two pints.

That's not Paddy-levels, the two.

- Why do you drink so much, Ciarn?

- For the craic.

Yeah, rite, and I work

everyday 'cause I'm driven.

Always... chasing them goals, you know?

Always chasing, always running.

You're too hard on yourself.

I feel like I've known

you for years, you know?

Don't know why.

I'm sorry about your wife, O'Shea.

- My what?

- Una told me how she died.

Of all the stories. Nobody died.

We just, we didn't work out. That's all.

- Sh*t, I'm sorry.

- Oh, you're grand (fine).

Did you split because, um...

because of your alcoholic-isis?

No, I didn't drink back then.

She met someone else.

That'll happens.

Feck her, O'Shea! If you want, I'll

find her, and I'll sort her out for you.

A toast, from an alcoholic

to a workaholic.

Get it off me!

Jim!

Jim!

Okay, keep still! Keep still, Jim!

- Drinks for everybody, on the house!

- Yayyyyy!

Are you okay? Jim? Jesus! Man.

- You okay, Jim? What were you doing?

- I needed to pee.

No, Jim!

Don't! No, Jim!

You big ugly bastard!

F*** that!

Come on, quickly! Quickly!

Oh, Jesus, Mary, Mother of God!

Quickly! That's it. Start the car! Start

the car! Come on, what are you doing?

- Quick! You should race the car!

- Stop it! Stop...

We are gonna die!

I'm arresting you for

the murder of Dr. Gleeson!

You don't have the right to say

anything, unless you wish to...

No, what are you doing?

You can't arrest a grabber!

...but the kegs are outside.

We're out of spirits...

Brian, Brian, get the door.

Open the door now.

That's it. Quickly, come on.

Merciful sh*t.

Brian, close the f***ing door!

Grab the table!

- Smith!

- I can't feel my face!

Smith! The lighter!

Argh! God damn it, this thing's heavy!

Focus! Push the table toward me.

Uh, your floor... Your floor is broken.

Brian, forget that!

Help us barricade the door!

- Smith!

- Your floor is broken.

- Light me!

- Come on, Lisa, push!

Focus. Look at me. Push.

- You've blown it out.

- Don't climb on the table!

- Okay.

- Get off the table, Lisa.

- I can't do it.

- Brian, man, forget that!

Come and help us do this!

- Brian, what are you doing?

- You did it, Brian.

- You put that down!

- Brian did it!

No, don't be a hero.

Argh! Big ugly bastard!

Have some of this sh*t!

Die!

Oh, Christ.

Get up now!

- What's going on?

- Um, nothing.

Who's that at the door?

Nobody! It's nobody! Come on,

everybody out into the bar!

I'm gonna go check the booze situation.

Smith, c'mon! C'mon, now! Smith, c'mon!

We're dry.

Unless someone goes outside

to change the kegs,

we're done drinking for the night.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I was just getting a taste for it.

Lisa, could you stop the music.

Folks, folks. Can I have

your attention, please?

Listen carefully, we're

moving this party upstairs.

- I know what kind of party's this.

- Sir, sir, it's just a precaution.

A precaution to what?

- I'm going home. I'm pissed.

- No!

No, because... nobody can. You can't.

- Why?

- It's raining!

This party isn't for me,

Brian, is it? You lied to me!

See, you? This is your fault!

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