Gray Matters Page #4

leaving you all alone,

completely single...

with no real prospects

in the future?

That's horrible.

I feel so bad for you.

Promise me if I ever call you when

I'm suicidal, you'll refer the call.

Sure.

Here you go. Can I get some change?

Kidding.

Don't spend it all

on the slots. Red 21.

This place is-This is awesome.

Check this out. This is nuts.

What are these, satin sheets?

It's a satin-cotton blend. Possibly Egyptian

cotton if this is the high-roller room.

- Hello?

- Don't get excited.

'Cause you're not doin' any high rollin'

in this bed till tomorrow.

- Says who?

- Oh, says tradition.

You're not supposed to see the bride

until tomorrow morning.

- Where am I gonna stay?

- In the dinky room down the hall that you booked for me.

- I'm not staying in a dinky room down the hall.

- Don't be mad, sweetie.

- What?

- I think some tradition is important.

Besides, we haven't been apart

in six whole days.

It'll be fun.

We can miss each other.

- Yeah, all right.

- Hi.

What are you guys-

What are you guys gonna do without me?

- None of your business. See you at the chapel.

- Ow! Violent.

You're gonna get socked.

Ow! Ow!

- You're gonna get a half nelson.

- Ohh.

- Ninja claw! Ohh!

- Hey!

Did you see the bathroom?

It's insane. We have to take a bath.

- Okay, I'll pour the bubbles, you order the bubbly.

- Okay.

- Let's get toasted!

- I can't get too drunk. I am getting married in the morning.

- Exactly.

- Right. I'll order two bottles.

Ta-da!

I hope you didn't greet

the room service guy like that.

Hmm. Is that why he said

he didn't need a tip?

- Cheers!

- Cheers!

Please tell me you work out

three hours a day and eat like a gerbil.

- Never been to a gym, and I'm a macaroni and cheese addict.

- I hate you.

If I told you I had acne until I was 21,

would that make you feel better?

- A little.

- Mm-hmm. My nickname was "Connect the Dots. "

I have a toast. To my soon-to-be

sister-in-law and my newfound friend-

That's a bathing suit you're wearing?

You're not embarrassed, are you?

Zits or no zits, my ass hasn't looked that

good since I was 17. I'm not taking off a thing.

- I have a secret I want to share, but I don't know if I should.

- You should.

- You can't tell Sam.

- Scout's honor.

Though I did get kicked out of the Brownies

for stealing money out of my cookie account.

Sam and I haven't had relations yet.

"Relations"?

Relations means my Aunt Betty.

Relations as in intercourse.

I decided to wait,

and I don't know if that was a mistake.

I mean, what if he's too big

or if I'm too small or-

T.M.I. Hasn't anyone ever told you

to test drive a car before you buy it?

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Well...

I love Vegas,

and I am certain that Vegas loves me...

because I lost a bundle

on the slots last night.

- Is this five or six?

- I don't know. I lost count. But I think I'm gonna be sick.

- No, you're not. We're just getting warmed up.

- Oh, geez.

For my next number, I'd like to give

a warm welcome to my surprise guest-

the delightful and charming

Miss Charlie Kelsey.

Yeah!

- You didn't.

- Did.

- You didn't!

- Did.

- Why?

- Ooh!

Come on, honey.

How are you feeling this evening, Charlie?

Like I could throw up at any minute.

Well, that doesn't

sound too pleasant.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean because of you.

L- Can I just sit down, please?

Not too fast. Not too fast. Somebody

has gone through a lot of trouble...

to hear you sing a number

with me tonight.

#Twelve #

There, I sang a number. I'm going home.

Come on, girlfriend. I think we can do this.

We can do this. We can do this.

Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoo!

I can't believe I lost

that much money. Don't tell Sam.

- He liked you too.

- Why did that-

- He kept buying me drinks.

- Hey!

Somebody's got my purse.

Somebody's stealing it.

Ah. My wedding shoes.

- I had a good time tonight.

- Me too.

You can't go to sleep like that.

You got to get undressed.

- Can't.

- Oh, God.

- All right. I'll help you.

- Mmm!

Sleeping.

Oh. Here.

Here's a shirt.

Do you think the woman was mad...

when I asked to see her

husband's tattoo on his tush?

Hmm?

It wasn't pretty.

I still don't know

if it was a ship or a- a bunny.

Did I tell you how happy I am

you're gonna be my sister-in-law?

- About 17 times.

- Well, I mean it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

I can't believe that just happened.

How can this be happening? You're marrying

my brother tomorrow, for God's sake.

Oh, this can't be happening.

This is just a mistake. A meaningless,

too-much-tequila mistake.

Oh, my God!

- God, you're up early.

- Up would mean that I've been down.

You're already dressed?

I have a wicked headache.

Can we order some coffee?

Don't you think we should talk?

Okay. Can we talk while I get ready?

- Yeah. Sure. I guess.

- Great.

I can't believe I'm getting married today.

I'm not even nervous.

Good. 'Cause I'm freakin' out.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

I can be so insensitive sometimes.

- Are you really upset?

- Yeah.

I would be too if it were my brother.

I'd be freakin' out.

Well, I'm past freaking out.

I'm molting.

I know it was one of those crazy,

spontaneous moments...

but don't you feel weird at all?

Not really. I mean,

I know it may seem strange...

- but the whole thing feels really natural.

- Natural?

- Mm-hmm.

- I don't feel natural. I feel subnatural.

In fact, I feel like E.T. I wanna phone home.

But if I phone home, Sam would answer,

and that wouldn't be good.

- Yeah, you were just taken by surprise.

- Surprise?

Gray, come on. Sit down.

- Listen to me.

- I'm listening.

Anyone would tell you

the exact same thing.

It is 100% normal to be feeling upset,

sad, freaked out.

In fact, considering everything...

I think you're handling

the whole thing really well.

- Really?

- Absolutely.

Your brother is getting married...

and deep down inside you feel

like you're losing him.

That's why you think

I'm freaking out?

You think I'm having

separation anxiety?

There's only one thing that

can keep a marriage together...

and that is love.

Oh.

As the lucky messenger

of our Lord and Savior above...

I look to the two of you

with your bright smiles of devotion...

and promise of commitment

here in the very house of the Lord above!

- This place is nuts.

- But before I continue, I must ask...

if there's anybody here

who has any objection whatsoever...

to the union of these two lovebirds.

I'm sorry. Carry on.

Go ahead.

As I was saying...

if there's anybody here

who has an objection to the union...

of these two love angels,

speak their piece now.

Oh, my God! Look out!

Your hiccups gone?

- Actually, yes.

- Good. Great.

Carry on, Minister.

No one objects.

- Right?

- Right.

Then by the power vested in me

by the glorious state of Nevada...

I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride, yeah.

Hi. I'd like a hot dog with kraut on

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