Gray Matters Page #5

one side and relish on the other...

with ketchup on the kraut and mustard on

the relish, but don't let the two touch.

Sydney, I need to talk to you right away.

This is an emergency. Call me.

Now reach to your right.

Station your left leg

on the rock in the middle.

All right, Gray,

what's really going on?

I canceled a session with someone today

because you said it was an emergency.

- It is.

- Well, then?

Take a deep breath-

And tell me what's going on.

Three short breaths, one long. That's

what Sam and I did when we were kids...

- and there was something that was difficult to talk about.

- Fine. Then do that.

- I think I'm gay.

- What was that?

- I can't say it again.

- Did you just say "I think I'm gay"?

It's like this. For years,

I thought I was content being single...

and I wasn't really

interested in a relationship.

I thought that when Mr. Right

came into my life, he just would.

He

- He wouldn't need some fancy invitation. He wouldjust arrive.

And then I realized that it's not Mr.

Right I'm waiting for. It's Mrs. Right.

- Oh.

- And I think I found her.

And I kissed her-

And I think she kissed me back,

but I'm not sure...

'cause I never kissed a girl before,

and I'm not sure what the rules are.

But I know that I liked it.

And I think I like her.

Now I feel nauseous again.

Why do you think you feel nauseous?

Do you think you committed some terrible

sin just because you kissed a girl?

Why? If you're two consenting adults,

what's so terrible about that?

Well, I don't know if she consented.

She was very drunk.

Oh, so you believe

you forced her to kiss you?

No. No, not at all.

She kissed me.

- Okay, I'm confused now.

- So am I.

Y- You don't know what it's like.

One day you think you're one thing...

and the next day you realize

you're something else.

I feel like I'm Dorothy in

The Wizard of Oz.

I'm in this new land

and I want to get home...

but something is telling me

maybe this is my home.

Maybe I shouldn't click

my heels three times.

Maybe I should just stay here

and be nauseous with the Munchkins.

What scares you most

about this whole thing?

That I'll lose Sam and he'll

never talk to me again.

Well, why would Sam even care?

Call me crazy, but he might be

a little upset I kissed his wife.

Whoa!

- Are you all right?

- Oh, God.

Y- You're looking pale.

Maybe you should take some deep breaths.

- I'm fine.

- Well, I'm not. I'm a wreck.

I haven't slept in three days.

I've taken 42 showers.

I've been to a church, a temple and a mosque,

begging for forgiveness.

The Mormon place wouldn't let me in.

I think we need to talk about this

on level ground.

You're not thinking straight.

- No kidding.

- We need to get down.

- Listen to me.

- I'm listening.

- You're not gay.

- I'm not?

- No, you're not.

- How do you know?

- Because it's textbook.

- Insanity?

No. What you did was normal.

It was almost predictable.

You were so jealous of Charlie...

that you subconsciously tried

to sabotage Sam's marriage.

Read my lips.

- You are not gay.

- I'm not?

- No, you're not.

- Are you sure?

- Yes!

- Because my mind is reeling with feelings and emotions...

- and my heart's telling me-

- Actually, our time is up for today.

Now, forget about Sam

and get out there and date.

Your hotel is open for business.

Got it?

Now, I will see you next week

at the batting cages at Chelsea Piers.

Nice climb.

My hotel is open. I have suites, junior suites,

deluxe accommodations available.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- That's a great outfit.

- Thanks.

You know, actually, my grandfather

once told me it's much nicer to say...

"That outfit looks

very becoming on you. "

Well, thanks to you and your pops.

Whoa. That coffee smells great.

I'm on this no-caffeine kick

right now...

but I still find myself hanging around

Starbucks trying to get an aroma buzz.

Actually, it's not all coffee.

It's one-third coffee,

one-third cocoa, one-third chai...

with a little bit of steamed soy and

cinnamon and a little bit of nutmeg.

Wow. That's a new one.

- What was that?

- Mmm- Nothing.

Would you like to have dinner

with me tonight?

Wow. That-That took guts.

Would you?

Sure. What time?

- Um, Raoul's at 10:00.

- All right. Well, I'll see you then.

Great. Are you going up?

- Down.

- Okay. See you tonight.

- Oh!

- Are-Are you okay?

- Is anything sprained? Broken? Maybe we should call a doctor.

- I'm fine, thank you.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

Would you like to have dinner

with me tonight?

Say 8:
00 at Raoul's?

- Me?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, you know,

I'm a pretty busy guy.

I'm usually booked up every night.

I'd have to-

I'd have to check my schedule.

- Yeah! Yeah, I think I can do that.

- Great.

Cool.

Hey, Gray. Gray Ghost.

You need a little help?

Oh, you did some serious- Oh!

Damage.

Holy smokes.

Look at you.

What's the occasion?

- I got a couple of dates tonight.

- A couple?

Yeah. I got a 8:
00 dinner with one,

and I got a 10:
00 dinner with the other.

That's great. Did you get that rash

you always get before you go out?

- No. Why did you remind me?

- Just trying to help.

- Look, is now a good time to talk?

- About what?

I wanted to check in, see when you thought

you might get your own place.

I know we get along great,

and Charlie loves you...

but we are newlyweds so I thought you might-

Do you know how hard it is to find

a rent-controlled place in the city?

Why do I have to be the one to move?

One, the lease is in my name,

and, two, I found the apartment.

'Cause a 90-year-old woman

died on your shift at the hospital.

Her body wasn't even cold before you were

calling the super, claiming to be her nephew.

I didn't hear you complaining. As a

matter of fact, you went to her funeral.

That's 'cause I'm sensitive and not

mean like you. You can't kick me out.

I decorated the whole apartment.

I even grouted the bathroom tiles myself.

I'm just saying maybe

you should start looking, that's all.

- I hate you! I really do.

- Hey, hey! Hey!

I can hear you guys yelling from around the block.

What's going on?

- I wasn't yelling. She was yelling.

- I was. I hate him!

- Why? What did he do now?

- Me?

- That's a little presumptuous, don't you think?

- He's kicking me out.

Sam, I thought we spoke about this.

We'll get our own place once I get

a full-time position at the aquarium.

- Until then, it's fine. I actually kind oflike it.

- You do?

Yeah. It's fun.

I love living with the both of you.

- What's wrong?

- Sh*t.

She has a couple of dates tonight...

- and her chest just broke out into hives.

- Oh.

Hey. I think-

I don't know if you remember me...

- but I think you drove me before.

- Oh, you're not very fond of Florida...

and when you refer

to Ginger's companion...

you're not talking

about sushi or wasabi.

Not bad.

- Where's that funny accent of yours from?

- Oh...

a funny place called Scotland.

- What brings you to New York?

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