Gray Matters Page #6

- Fame and fortune, of course.

- Hmm. How's that goin'?

- Well, let's see.

I've had two auditions so far.

The first one was for the lead

in a tampon spot-

the role of the tampon,

of course-

and then, uh, the second one

was a voice-over...

for a pest-control infomercial.

And I didn't get that part.

They, uh-They said that they

thought roaches didn't have accents.

I begged to differ,

but I didn't want to seem argumentative.

Hmm.

Don't worry. I'm not contagious.

- I'm not worried.

- What can I say? I am a mess.

You don't look like a mess.

You look as cute as a button.

And buttons aren't messy.

Well, looks can be deceiving.

You know, back home in Scotland,

I was captain of the local football team.

- Oh?

- Yeah.

And all my mates used to come to me

with their problems.

They said I was pretty good.

So-

I'm all ears if you want to talk to someone

from the outside, you know?

Hmm. That's sweet, but it would take

all night to tackle my laundry list.

Thanks.

- Keep the change.

- Thank you.

I'm crazy about you.

And I'm counting the minutes

until I see you again.

- Hey, that's my line.

- I'm an actor.

We get paid to steal

other people's lines.

See ya.

Uh, seriously, though-

Could I give you

a lift home tonight?

I could come and fetch you about, say,

just before midnight.

No charge.

- Okay.

- Great.

- Excuse me. Can I get another double vodka martini?

- Sure.

With three olives

and a tiny splash of vermouth.

- Okay. - And just a hint-

a hint- of salt on the rim.

- Yeah.

- A little water, please, also?

Of course.

Would you like to hear the specials?

- Please. -

Yeah. - Fantastic.

Tonight we have

a braised lamb shank...

marinated in a rosemary-lime sauce.

That's served

with a creamed pumpkin squash.

We also have

a grilled halibut steak...

in a soy-tamari lemon-zest glaze.

And that comes with grilled seaweed

and an orange and almond salad.

Do we know what we'd like?

Yes. I'll have the halibut with the pumpkin

squash and the rosemary-lime sauce...

and not the soy-tamari-lemon stuff.

Oh, that does sound good, doesn't it?

Yeah, they don't come together.

- Well, can you make 'em come together?

- I'll try.

Try hard.

And I'll have the duck confit.

Excellent.

Coming right up.

Conrad, I'm impressed. You duked the guy.

I didn't know you had it in you.

There's a lot in me

that you don't know about.

I'm a burnin'sex machine

just waitin'to be used and abused by you.

The harder, the better.

Check, please.

...as much as I can,

but it's not good.

- How?

- I don't know.

So wait.

Let me just get this straight.

So you love Capra...

you run in the park, you tango...

you live for Italy,

and you hate asparagus.

Are you sure we weren't

separated at birth?

- You don't play poker, do you?

- I've been playing with the same buddies...

every Thursday since I was 15.

I'm a five-card stud girl, myself.

Closed hand, deuces wild.

I love it when you talk dirty.

This is actually fun.

I have to admit. I usually

dread the whole first-date thing.

You know, the awkward lulls

in the conversation.

Then the anxious pain in the pit

of my stomach when I can't wait...

for the night to end,

but I'm feeling no pain, no lulls.

Yeah, I'm feeling rather

painless and "lull-less" myself.

- Cheers to that.

- Cheers.

But, uh, I do want to be honest

with you about something.

Oh, no. Honesty on the first date.

That has a bad ring to it.

See, I was so flattered with the way

you asked me out in the elevator.

- I know. Don't tell me. You're married.

- Actually, I'm not married...

but Stewart and I have been

living together for years.

- Yeah.

- Stewart-

- Am I a moron or what?

- Don't be so hard on yourself.

- I can't help it. I'm hopeless.

- You're not.

- I'm a walking Dear Abby column.

- Hold on a minute, darling.

All you need is some space...

some fresh air and some perspective.

Fresh air, space and perspective

in New York City.

Stick with me.

This is unbelievable.

Isn't this fantastic?

Yeah, it's one of the perks

of the job.

I giveJimmy the doorman

free rides...

and he lets me come up here

whenever I fancy.

I love this city.

Oh, me too.

You know, it's funny,

'cause sometimes, up here...

everything is so tall and grand.

Even my biggest problems,

you know...

suddenly seem very wee.

Within seconds

they just melt away like tiny dewdrops.

You're so sweet.

Thanks for cheering me up.

Ah, it's my pleasure.

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

I've been wanting to do that...

from the moment I saw your face

in my rearview mirror.

What's wrong?

Oh, Christ. Was it awful?

L- I'm a wee bit out of practice.

No, it wasn't awful.

You're a really nice kisser.

Well, thank you.

Your lips seem...

nice and supple too.

But I'm sensing that, uh-

Your heart's not doing

the Riverdance thing that mine is.

Gordy, I'm sorry.

- Oh.

- For what?

For being me.

Ah, there's nothing wrong with that.

I happen to think

you're pretty dandy.

So you're gay.

Big deal.

- How did you know?

- Just a feeling, I suppose.

That and the fact that you haven't shut up

about Charlie all night.

And every time you mentioned

her name you got that little...

sparkle thing in your eyes.

- What am I gonna do now?

- Ah.

That's easy.

You're gonna move on

with your life...

start being the person

that you're supposed to be...

instead of wasting your time

pretending to be someone that you're not.

I mean, crikey.

Are you not exhausted?

I am, but it's so much easier

to keep pretending.

Oh, but easy is so bloody boring!

Isn't it?

As your newfound friend...

I am prescribing a remedy for you.

That's part of the remedy.

This is the remedy.

"I am woman. Hear me roar. "

Helen Reddy.

She'll sort you out.

There are a few things

I'd like to know about you too.

All right. What would you like to know?

Oh, just about anything.

Things you like.

Things you don't like.

Where you went to school. Who was your

first beau. What you want out oflife.

- Mmm. That's a tall order. Where shall I start?

- Oh, my God.

- Till the Clouds Roll By.

- I guess I like what everyone likes.

That's one of my favorite

all-time movies.

I know every line and every step.

Me too.

- Will you dance with me?

- Oh, no, thank you. No.

- Go ahead and dance with her.

- No, no, I can't.

Will you dance with me?

I sure will, baby.

Watch this.

- Do you know this dance?

- Yeah.

What's goin' on?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I hate when you ask so many questions.

It's so annoying.

Sorry. You okay?

- I'm fine.

- All I asked was, what's going on?

Nothing. I'm going to bed, okay? Got

any questions you want to ask about that?

She must be ovulating.

I heard that. Huh?

- How you doin'?

- How you doin'?

Mmm. She's the best.

Strong, independent, feisty.

- Who are you talking about?

- Who else? Queen Oprah.

Oprah. Oprah the Great.

Oprah- I love her.

Do you understand

that I'm obsessed with her?

Like, I think she is so great

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