Gray Matters Page #7

that she should start her own religion.

I love her so much

that if she and Steadman...

couldn't have children

and needed a little bit of help...

I would surrogate a child for them.

That's right, I would have Oprah's baby.

That's how much I love her.

Wow. That's a lot of love.

Last night I was so inspired after watching

her show about loving your body that-

- Do you know what I did today?

- What?

- I quit Weight Watchers.

- Get out!

Yeah! Can you believe it?

I quit. Fergie, "smergie. "

I hate fiber.

I like Mallomars.

And if Dereck isn't going to love me

for the tiny amount...

of cellulite I have

on the back of my thighs...

- then f*** him- Screw that guy.

- Yeah.

This is the package, okay?

It's exactly the same under the wrapping.

This is the package.

No exchanges, no returns.

- Yes.

- Right?

- Hot!

- Thank you.

I mean, why does

our society push us...

to be perpetually uncomfortable

with who we are?

It's so messed up.

You wanna know why?

Here. This is why.

"Boost your buttocks in five days. "

"Luscious liposuction. "

"The flawless face-lift. "

That's why.

Enough is enough.

We need to stop letting

society and-and media...

and our religious leaders

delegate who we are.

You're amazing,

and I'm even more amazing...

and anybody who doesn't get it

can go screw themselves!

That felt fantastic.

Spewing is a wonderful thing.

Forget spinning classes.

They should have spewing classes.

That's what they should have.

Where are you going? You have a

creative meeting in five minutes.

What are you doing here?

- That page wasn't from you, was it?

- It was.

This better be good. I'm about to

get prepped for surgery. What is it?

- I need to tell you something.

- I'm listening.

Maybe you should just

get prepped for surgery-

Maybe you should perform the surgery.

I'll come back later.

Gray.

I have to tell you something.

It's not easy.

It's really major,

and I don't know how to say it.

- Why don't you take three short

breaths and one- - One long.

- I'm gay.

- What?

- As in Marvin.

- What?

As in, take the "R" out of"Gray,"

and- Bingo!

Oh.

- That's great.

- What about it is great?

- It's great that you're coming out.

- Don't tell me you knew.

Gray, of course I knew.

How can you know

when I didn't even know?

I'm smarter than you. I've known since second

grade, when you had a crush on Mrs. Wertheimer...

- and tried to look up her skirt.

- She was cute, wasn't she?

Tell you, I'm proud of you, Gray.

- This is a big moment. This is huge.

- It's big, all right...

but there's one other thing

I haven't told you, and it's even bigger.

Bigger. Yeah.

It can't possibly be bigger than this.

- Well, I guess it depends on how you see it.

- What is it?

- I'm in love with her.

- Who?

- Her.

- Who her?

- Your wife.

- Whose wife?

Yours. I'm in love with Charlie.

- Is this your idea of a bad joke?

- I would never joke about it.

I love the way she talked

and walked and looked and felt...

but it really kicked in

after we kissed.

Kissed?

What do you mean, kissed?

Are you saying you kissed my wife?

Only once,

and technically she wasn't your wife.

It was the night

before your wedding.

I'm sorry.

Look, I never expected this to happen.

Just tell me off.

Just yell at me.

I know I'm a terrible person.

I'm a terrible, terrible person.

Gray, I want you to pack up your sh*t

and get it out of the apartment...

by the time I get home tonight,

because we're done.

All right? We're done.

There has to be a reason.

Why would she move out

without talking to us about it...

or even telling us

where she was going?

- Why are you so concerned?

- What is that supposed to mean?

It's not supposed to mean anything.

- You seem obsessed about my sister, that's all.

- That's ridiculous.

- Is it?

- I'm just worried about her.

Aren't you happy we'll

have the place to ourselves?

- Of course I'm happy.

- All right then.

- That's not the issue.

- What's the issue?

Did you guys get

in a fight or something?

- What aren't you telling me?

- I'm not telling you anything.

- Is there something you want to tell me?

- Like what?

I don't know.

You tell me.

Sam, what's going on?

You're acting weird. You love your sister.

Yes, I love my sister. How about you?

Do you love my sister?

Of course I love your sister.

I think she's great.

"Great. " How great?

- What are you getting at?

- Nothing. Nothing.

You know what? I'm late.

I gotta go, okay? I'll see you later.

Sam?

So as you can see, the consumers love

to think of nothing but C-Pro.

- B-Pro.

- What?

- B-Pro. You said "C-Pro. "

- I did?

Yeah, you said C-Pro.

I'm very sorry.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

I have to get a glass of water.

Take your time.

I'll be back in just one minute.

I'll... be back.

Gray, hang in there. You're doing just fine.

- No, I'm not doing fine. I'm the Titanic.

- No!

- Yes.

- You just gotta-You gotta get focused.

You gotta center yourself,

and you gotta march back in there...

and you show them who's the boss.

Who's the Boss? I hated that show.

I love Alyssa Milano.

I don't like Tony Danza, and Judith Light

had really weird hair, but-

Gray! You gotta focus.

Focus, okay?

You gotta get out of your head

and get into your body.

Get out of your head

and into your body.

Get out of your head

and into your body.

Get out of your head.

Get out of your head.

Get out of your head

and into your body.

Take a deep breath.

Feel your feet on the ground.

Center yourself.

- And go.

- Go.

Go.

Gimme a "P."Gimme an "R."

Gimme an "O."

What's that spell?

B- Pro!

Yeah! Whoo!

Lana, what the hell are you doing?

I promoted Miss Valentine to creative

executive on the Bartlett account...

because I thought it would be best

to show Julia two perspectives.

- You mean the one of her tits and the one of her ass?

- Gray!

I'm sure that Lana

has 36 double-D ideas...

for the account, and I'll just give you

your privacy to fondle through them.

I think that was a brilliant comeback.

Clever and descriptive.

I'm sure it cost me my job.

Well, with copy like that,

they should be begging you to stay.

Here. Drink that

while it's still hot.

That, young lady,

is my granny's secret recipe.

Mmm! This is so good.

What's in this?

Oh, uh, tea, milk, honey

and a wee bit of nutmeg.

Gordy, you are amazing.

You barely know me

and you're such a great friend.

You're gonna make

some lucky girl very happy one day.

So are you.

God, everything is so complicated.

If it was 30 years ago,

I could just move away and join a convent.

Those outfits are so hideous.

You know, if you want

my advice-

and I don't suppose you do,

but I'm going to give it to you anyway.

- I think you have to go and talk to Charlie.

- About what?

You have to tell her the truth.

- I can't do that.

- Yes, you can.

- I can't.

- Yes, you can.

I mean, for all you know,

she might feel the same way about you.

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