Growing Up and Other Lies Page #4

missed the appointment.

But it was not about just drinking

with my friends, okay, it wasn't.

We are trying to get

Jake to stay.

You know if he has

a good time today,

he might actually do that,

it could go either way.

Really?

Yes.

And you know between

Billy and Gunderson,

he's our only viable

babysitting option.

Oh.

Okay. I can't

argue with that.

So listen...

At the appointment today...

Doctor Leponis and I discussed

the birth plan...

Yeah. You know, and who's gonna

be in there when

it all goes down and...

I decided that I want to keep

the participants to a minimum.

Fine. Yeah.

Okay, it'll be

just... Just us.

Cozy.

No, I...

I mean not you.

She said that it's actually

really common

for women to not want

their partners in there...

Are you kidding?

For that. I mean...

God! I don't want

you to see that.

You just decided this?

Well, Marcel, I...

You know that I've been really

stressed out about this. I'm scared.

I mean, what if you

don't want me after that?

Are you kidding me right now?

You're not one who has to

have a baby coming out...

Of your vagina, okay?

Yes, I do realize that.

I understand how

children are born.

Look, how would

you feel, if I brought

a bunch of strangers

into the bathroom to watch you

do whatever it is you do

in there for 45 minutes.

That's not something

that you want people to see.

What are you talking about?

How is me being there for the

birth of our son remotely like

you bringing in strangers

to watch me take a dump?

Okay, I get that that's not

a great analogy, now, okay.

No, it's not a great

analogy at all.

It's not even a

mediocre analogy.

I don't, I don't even

understand. Am I...

Am I the one going

into the bathroom?

Am I bringing in the strangers?

No, you're the stranger.

I didn't mean it like that.

Yeah, you did.

Oh sh*t!

Okay, I

don't know who any of you are...

Inside voices, please.

Is there a Renee here?

Tasha? Is that right?

All right. Kuyken...

Kuykendall? Is that you?

Wait, what's your question?

I don't know what a function is.

What is a function?

How come you

don't know the answer?

Well, I...

Guys, can you?

Look, none of this

matters in the real world.

And I don't even teach here.

Is that lady

Mr. Reznowski's wife?

No, that is his fiancee,

but they love...

So his kid's gonna be a bastard?

Yes.

What are they arguing about?

Ah, good question.

You know, actually French playwright

Jean Anouilh put it best.

Okay, my friend is having an

existential crisis, please.

He does not mean existential.

You know what,

you need to know this.

You really do. So write

his down if you have to.

Life is not gonna turn out

the way you planned it.

That's the bottom line.

Okay. And here's

another piece of advice.

Don't invest in anyone.

You probably meet a guy,

and he's gonna be great.

And you'll love him and you

give everything to him

and just when

you think it's perfect...

He's gonna take your heart,

he's gonna put it in a blender

and he's gonna press frappe.

Okay. Then he's gonna

pour it down the toilet

and if that wasn't bad enough,

you're gonna jump on into that

toilet after and try and grab it

and you're gonna come out the other

side covered in piss and sh*t

like Tim Robbins at the end

of Shawshank Redemption

and if you haven't

seen that movie,

then I cannot help you.

Okay? But here's

the good news.

Okay, because

at the end of all that,

the next thing you got

marked on your calendar

is a probably painful,

inevitable death.

So, all right, class dismissed.

Right, why don't

you figure this out...

Hey, Em.

Bye, guys.

Decisions. That's the

big thing right now.

We're just having all

these arguments about...

You know what color

the baby's room should be.

Yellow or cream,

things like that.

- Yellow.

- And I find myself

talking all these hard lined positions

really just to argue, I mean...

I don't care what color

the actual baby's room is,

'cause in the end

it doesn't matter.

It should be yellow.

But I hear myself arguing

that one color

will literally lead

the child becoming president and the

other one's gonna make him a murderer.

Same thing.

Yeah, it's totally irrational,

all right, I mean...

Nobody actually remembers what

color their baby room was.

Yellow.

Really?

Yeah.

Explains a lot.

It was awesome.

What are we doing here?

Is this a planned stop?

I hate cathedrals!

Ugh!

And the answer is, back in 1895,

"Construction of the cathedral"

"was halted due

to a labor dispute"

"that resulted in..."

F*** it.

No.

Put myself to sleep with that.

I apologize...

What happened to labor dispute?

- Oh, who cares. F*** it.

- You know.

You know what, teaching

here is one of the...

One of the great achievements

of mine in New York.

Maybe the only

great achievement.

That's not true. That's

not true, come on.

It's true! No, honestly. I think

I did about the only thing.

No, that's not true.

None of your students

have amounted to anything. So...

Yeah. Doesn't really

count as an achievement.

Gunderson, come on...

Yeah, you know,

like, great achievements.

- No.

- I mean, that's it.

No, but... What about that

show you had in New Jersey?

Yeah...

That was awesome.

It was in New Jersey but still...

You had one in Staten...

You had a thing

in Staten Island.

I mean, if it's

Staten Island, Yeah.

It's something.

It's something.

Remember, you almost

sold a painting on the subway?

Oh, yeah!

No, no, no.

The guy almost stole the

painting on the subway.

Oh. GUNDERSON:

But still, he liked it.

Yeah, I guess.

I mean, people who are

really excited...

You gotta start somewhere.

That's true, I guess.

It's tough.

I don't know.

It's good.

This is actually...

Kind of makes me feel good.

I love this place.

Really, 'cause

these are garbage.

And your fridge is gonna

be filled with that.

Yeah, I hope.

How do you pretend to like that?

That's awful.

I don't have to pretend.

That's a beauty.

I mean, I... I

genuinely like this.

You're not understanding what this

kid did with space, negative space.

Uh... GUNDERSON:
Now, I understand

why you like Jake's stuff.

Hey...

Is it about the money?

Does your dad need...

I mean...

Is that why you're leaving?

If it is, I'm more than happy...

I don't want your money.

I'm just saying,

I'll give you a little...

I'm not your charity case, okay?

Jacob.

I was wondering if you could

clear up something for me.

Weren't you planning on

breaking up with Emma

before you found out she was

carrying your demon seed?

I...

No, man, I... Really,

you weren't?

No, we were gonna have

a bit of a conversation

that, you know, could've

pre-empted... Good.

But...

And my son.

Right, yeah. But the fact...

But, I...

I don't... We were definitely

not gonna break up, no.

Not... Not for sure.

Hmm.

What's the latest?

Well, my partner at the firm

has actually set up

an appointment

with his urologist

friend for me today.

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