Grudge Match Page #5

Do you know what an iPad is?

Yeah, I do. It's one of those flat things

you push around with your fingers.

It sounds great. Makes me wanna buy one

because you're making it sound so appealing.

Don't use sarcasm on me.

I'm an old man. I confuse easy.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...please rise for our national

anthem as sung by boxing legends...

...Henry "Razor" Sharp

and Billy "The Kid" McDonnen.

Oh, say can you see

By the dawn's early light

What so proudly we hailed

At the twilight's last gleaming?

Oh, sh*t.

LeBron burst in your hair

What?

Gave proof to the night

Unnecessary.

Time to train.

All right. I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.

Just...

Unnecessary!

I said it's time to train.

What have I done?

Where's Frankie?

Frankie's not coming till later.

I'm your trainer, Mikey.

You can't be my trainer.

Maybe I'd believe you ate my trainer.

Nice.

Forty-six and chilly downtown.

It's not gonna get much warmer

this afternoon.

Highs today in Pittsburgh

only around the 60s.

Grab a sweater and maybe

an extra cup of Joe.

Right now, here's today's six at 6.

Do fighters still do this?

Seems like a lot of cholesterol.

Quiet.

Drink up.

And don't throw up.

Anything good in the

magazine, Mike?

Besides the crumbs from

your breakfast burrito?

Same sh*t.

Can you believe how bad these Hollywood

stars look without their makeup?

It's horrifying.

What's so funny?

- I was thinking about something.

- Bullshit.

- What are you laughing at?

- Your moobs.

Huh?

- Your moobs.

- My what?

Your moobs, they bounce when

you jump. It's like bad Baywatch.

Let's go, let's go!

You've only got 50 feet to go.

My ass is numb from

this goddamn scooter.

Hey.

You need a lift?

Why'd you come find me again?

Because I knew you didn't mean it.

How you been?

You mean since the last time I saw

you in 1984? I've been okay, thanks.

Hey! You got 50 more feet!

- Don't quit on me now!

- In a minute, Light.

- Lightning?

- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe he's still alive.

I mean, not in a bad way.

So why are you here, Sally?

I just think we got off on the wrong

foot at the press thing...

...and I just thought

we could go and talk.

Well, I'm training right now.

Can't do it.

Look, lately,

I've seen a lot of clips of you.

You know, because of the fight

and all and clips of us...

...and I thought I had filed all of

that away some place really neatly...

Well, that's good.

I mean, you were always neat.

You know, Henry, it's taken me

almost 30 years to say this...

...but I truly am sorry.

I apologize.

It's okay.

You look cold. I'm cold.

It's good seeing

you, but I gotta go.

I'm in the phone

book under Anderson.

My late husband's name,

if you ever wanna talk about this.

Why would I ever

wanna talk about this, Sally?

Hey!

Is he a good kid?

The best.

You'd like him.

Well, well.

She's single.

Call her before she remembers

that you're you.

Don't eavesdrop on my

private conversations, okay?

I had my hearing aid turned down.

But you could see she was

sending all the signals.

You could be doing the bone dance with

her instead of welding mice out of crap.

They're dogs.

And I said mind your own business.

Damn it!

Why don't you have a goddamn TV? I could

be watching Dancing With the Stars.

I'm an old guy. I gotta be watching

Dancing With the Stars. I'm serious.

Come on, baby. Come on, old man.

Your timing's off, Kid.

He's out-hustling you, Kid.

Your timing's way off.

Touch him with the jab.

Move your head.

Tap him with that jab.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop. Shmoo,

ease up. He's like 80 years old.

I am easing up, baby. Come on.

Kid, let's call it a session.

I'm tired just watching.

I can't quit, he's moving too fast.

I can't land anything.

Hey, you think I could just make

a suggestion real quick?

- Come again?

- I won't interrupt.

Just a quick suggestion.

He's got a hitch in his jab.

Try timing it with the right.

See what happens.

- Hey, you his trainer?

- No, I'm not.

Then back the hell off!

All right.

Let's go. Ready? Come on.

Oh!

- Good tip.

- Hey, Kid.

I don't need this sh*t.

I was doing you a favor.

If you wanna listen to him,

be my guest, all right?

That's my son. He's the first person to talk

to me like a boxer instead of a pair of tits.

Get out of here.

You know what? I'm gonna show you

something, you fat piece of sh*t.

- What the hell?

- Come back here.

Come back, you fat bastard,

I'm gonna kick your ass.

I'll show you a pair of tits!

So Why'd you come back?

I just wanna give you

these back, all right?

I have a dealership. I can't have my son

drive around in that old piece of sh*t.

I appreciate the gesture,

all right, but just...

You're not buying me into your life.

It's not gonna happen.

Just take the keys.

Take the keys, please.

- Fine.

- Let it go, Kid.

Hey, what's "BJ" stand for?

Bradley James. It stands for

Bradley James, but I just...

I like BJ.

We all do, kid.

It's one thing to get one

and it's another to be called one.

Oh, that is clever,

I gotta tell you.

Kids in school use to say that...

...until I smacked the loudest one

and made the rest stop.

I'll bet.

So I spent like a month in the principal's

office because of people saying that.

I guess I actually

kind of liked it.

- Fighting, you mean?

- No, the principal. She was hot.

Yeah, well, that sounds familiar.

So you like boxing too?

Noticed this.

I surely got the nose, huh?

Nothing like you.

I had some amateur fights, went to

nationals, but Mom made me quit.

My dad, he signed

me up for football.

How'd you do?

Played corner in college.

But I coach now. I do strength

and conditioning over at Pitt.

- Wow. Panthers. Impressive.

- No.

It's just I got a knack for kicking

fat asses into shape, that's all.

Where'd you get that

smart mouth on you?

- Did the guy who raised you give you that?

- Definitely not.

Ha, ha. No, sir. Funny, nobody could ever

figure it out where I got that from.

Now I'm thinking maybe Mom

had a pretty good idea.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.

Hey, how about you help me?

With What?

Help get me back in shape.

- Like you want me to train you?

- Yeah.

Ha, ha. You're crazy.

- I ain't helping you.

- Huh?

- No, I don't wanna do that.

- Come on.

- I don't think so.

- Come on, just till I find somebody else.

This'll be your salary.

It's a Dodge Dart, not a Porsche. You

act like you're giving me something.

That's a piece of sh*t.

It is a piece of sh*t, isn't it?

How about I kick a dent in it,

you'll like it better?

- There's an idea.

- Want me to scratch it up with a key?

Huh?

I tell you what. You've got yourself a

deal. You start tomorrow. Six a.m.

- How about 10:
30?

- How about 6 a.m.?

- How about 8:
30?

- How about 6 a.m.?

And do me a favor. Lay off the, uh, flapjacks

and the Scotch, all right, Stay Puft?

Mom is not gonna like this one.

Well, we'll turn her.

"We'll turn her"? Good luck.

Oh, by the way, Kid, you, uh...

You got a grandson.

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