Grumpy Old Men Page #4

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Watch your mouth, you dumb Swede.

Don't tell me what to do!

Big man with the axe in your hand.

Axe? You want to clock me?

You think you can take me?

Come on!

All right. 1937 at Todd Field...

...I kicked your ass after football

practice when you stole my liniment.

-I kicked your ass and I'll do it again!

-Bullshit!

Give it your best shot, shrimp.

It's not worth it.

Get out of there!

Damn!

He has the intelligence quotient

of a newt.

Shrimp thinks he can get funny with me.

Left hook...

...right cross...

...and dump him.

I'm going to kill him.

Goddamn you, Goldman, you--

I'm Elliot Snyder of the I.R.S.

I'm asking you to come to my office.

I was wondering where you were.

I was...I had a little business.

I hope it went all right.

What are you doing?!

Cooking.

Wait, I can't have anything spicy.

If it's too exciting, I'm up all night.

Good.

I'm making Szechuan.

From the moment I saw you, I could feel

that we had the same kind of aura.

That we shared something special.

Teaching.

Thirty-nine years, I taught

American History at Wabasha High.

History, it's so romantic.

Great dental plan.

The ideas you gave those young minds.

Kids think they know it all, right?

Once in a while you reach one.

You touch them somehow.

I did that once.

Really?

It was my New Deal lecture. I touched

a kid on his head while he was snoring.

You're so bad.

You know...

...Chuck, he....

I know.

We can be thankful that we had

the privilege of knowing him...

...while he was here.

To Chuck.

Yes, to Chuck.

Thank you, John.

It was a wonderful evening.

Thank you, Ariel.

Pop?

-What?

-You think I should call her?

-What?

-The woman.

Well, let me tell you something, John.

The first 90 years, or so...

...go by pretty fast.

What?

The first 90 years go by fast.

How would you know?

You're just a damn kid.

I didn't say it, you did.

Well, they do. They do go fast.

Then one day you wake up.

And you realize...

...that you're not 81 anymore.

You begin to count the minutes

rather than the days...

...and you realize that pretty soon

you'll be gone.

And that all you have, see,

is the experiences.

That's all there is.

Everything! The experiences!

You mount the woman, son.

Or else...

...send her out to me.

I happened to come by these two tickets

for the Gopher game and....

Ever play much ice hockey?

We had an appointment!

There she is. Wabasha.

It is just beautiful.

Yeah, from up here...I used to

camp up here when I was a kid.

What are you thinking?

Oh, I'm sorry.

The snow...

...reminds me of the last Christmas

with my husband.

Are you all right?

Yes, an angel.

What?

I'm making a snow angel.

I remember.

Do you believe in angels?

They're all around us.

You've got to look hard, but...

...they're there...

...whenever anything good

happens to us.

I think I see one.

I'll have you mated in three moves.

Shouldn't we get to know each other

a little better first?

You have a wonderful smile.

You should wear it more often.

I bring it out on special occasions.

Tell me who's this?

-What?

-Over here.

That's my dad. That's Pop.

This handsome guy, you know him, right?

My daughter Melanie and her mother,

and Melanie and her husband, Mike.

She's beautiful.

Who are these people here?

Ah, that little girl is Alexandra,

my granddaughter.

And my son, Brian.

He's so handsome.

Lost him in Vietnam.

-I'm so sorry.

-It's all right. It's okay.

These little guys.

That's me and the moron.

Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he?

You mean you were friends?

I was 10, and didn't know any better.

What makes two men spend

most of their lives fighting?

Guess.

A woman.

How romantic.

No, it wasn't romantic at all.

Well....

What did I know? I was just a kid.

Which I am not anymore.

I think it's kind of late.

It's time for bed.

God, you are dumb, dumb, dumb.

Ariel, I'm sorry that--

I thought you said--

I said it's time for bed.

Well, wait, what about....

-What?

-Well, you've been seeing....

Max?

He's just my friend.

The last man I slept with

was my husband.

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

I'm not prepared.

These days they say

you have to do safe sex.

When was the last time you made love?

October...fourth....

...1978.

Oh, I think we're safe.

Good morning.

Are those for me?

Oh, they're just beautiful. Thank you.

They're for you. I got them for you.

Thank you. How sweet!

That's....

Got them for you.

Snake in the grass!

Burn, baby, burn.

Holy sh*t! Max!

Stop the car, you idiot!

Look out!

Look out!

Max, you've really lost it!

Dirty little bastard!

He belongs in a rubber room.

I fixed your fishing pole!

Who cares about a damn fishing pole?

You can shove that pole!

You think a lousy old pole

is going to replace her?

Are you crazy?

Don't egg him on!

Leave him alone.

We'll settle this thing.

Cut it out!

Shrimp, you're not going anywhere!

Come on!

You broke my nose, schmuck.

I did not.

Look at that! What the hell

has gotten into you?

You stole her!

What?

She's mine.

-Says who?

-Says me.

She came to me!

You're stealing her away, just like May.

Could I remind you, Einstein,

May was no prize.

She was to me.

I was married to the woman 20 years.

She was no prize!

She was to me!

Moron!

If you'd ended up with May, you wouldn't

have had Amy, who was a good woman.

-She was the best.

-And more loyal than May ever was!

So!

So what?

Well, did you?

You know!

That's a private matter.

Private, my foot. Did you?

-I can't say.

-Tell me.

Okay, we did the horizontal mambo!

We danced it.

It was the greatest sex I ever had

in my life. Are you happy?

I'll kill you!

Dirty rat!

Drop that fish!

Don't make me have

to separate you two again!

Now go to your shanties, all of you!

You're scaring the fish away!

Damn kids!

Kids! You can't live with them,

can't shoot them. Now go on!

How you going to take care

of her, Gustafson?

How are you going to support her...

...when the I.R.S. takes your house?

I can't wait around for another Amy.

I ain't got time.

This time you win.

If you won't keep our date,

I'll bring the date to you.

You promised to come over and

give me the New Deal lecture....

-So like a good student--

-What's that?

A gift.

You inspired it.

I can't accept it.

Why not?

It might be a good idea if

we didn't see each other.

For a while. And, well, give each of us

a chance to be alone and....

But I thought....

Goddamn it. In the first place,

I'm too old for you. Okay?

I don't like...

...you coming over here.

I don't like you hanging around

here all day long!

I'm not afraid to be alone like you.

I am not afraid to be alone!

I just prefer...

...to experience things...

...and not watch them on television

or out the windows like you do.

Don't you understand?

I like being alone!

I understand.

I understand completely.

You know nothing about me.

I do too!

I know the only things in life that

you regret are the risks you don't take.

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