Grumpy Old Men Page #5

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But you wouldn't understand that.

Because you're too pig-headed.

Merry Christmas.

Congratulations on the election.

That's old news. Where've you been?

I had all this stuff that

I had to get taken care of.

Melanie said she's going

to come by tonight.

For Christmas Eve. Around 9:00.

Why don't you drop over?

I'll do that.

This neighborhood will be a lot safer

without that snowmobile around.

-Hi, Jacob.

-Hello, putz.

Merry Christmas, John.

Your cat crapped on my steps again.

Who says you can't train a cat?

It's a warning. If it happens again

I'll punch you in the nose.

He started it.

Where's Santa's favorite little girl?

Merry Christmas, Dad.

What, no twinkle lights?

I forgot about them this year.

Be polite.

Merry Christmas.

Can I put Allie in your bed?

Sure.

Come on, bedtime.

Say good night to grandpa.

How've you been?

Lousy. Thought you two

were getting a divorce.

Actually, it's only a separation.

I had to work some things out

for myself before we could work on us.

Did you get it worked out?

As far as I can tell.

That's great, Mike.

Maybe the rest of us should put

our lives on hold for the next...

...two weeks while you fill up with

enough booze to make up your mind.

You know...

...I need a beer.

Grab a beer. It's in the fridge.

-What's wrong?

-I don't know.

Grab me one too!

Dad, try and understand...

...he says he's all straightened out.

What do I know? I'm 68 years old!

I got no house, no wife, no pension!

What are you saying?

I don't know one damn thing,

but I know this:

The only thing in this life that you

regret are the risks you didn't take.

If you see a chance to be happy...

...grab it with both hands and

to hell with the consequences.

I can't find a bottle opener.

Sweetheart, I'm going to walk down

to Slippery's.

What?

Hey, Jakey. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Is this a bad time?

I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong

with him. He just exploded.

You want me to go after him?

He'll cool off down at Slippery's.

Come on in.

What's that?

This is broccoli.

Pop didn't have mistletoe.

Hey, Mike. You're next big guy.

Hi, stinky.

I just came by to wish you all

a Merry Christmas.

That was sweet, Jacob.

Wasn't that sweet, Mike?

Sweet...and short.

Good to see you, Mike!

Could I ask you a favor?

Sure.

Could you have a word with your dad?

See if they can't make up for Christmas.

Sure. Absolutely.

That would be great.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Over to Gustafson's?

Melanie there?

She look good?

Very. She also looks

to still be married.

What?

Mike's back?!

Looks that way.

Melanie said that John...

...just exploded and walked out.

So?

So what's going on?

Nothing that shouldn't

have happened years ago.

He tried to steal her

away from me, but I won.

Could you at least talk to him?

My door is open.

He knows where to find me.

He started it.

I don't care who started it,

you're going to end it.

I don't like him! I never liked him!

It's Christmas, Pop.

You could go down to Slippery's

and make peace with the man.

I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt.

This 1500-pound moose

is the real thing, folks.

Reared by local volunteer firefighter,

Peter Carlson, of Wabasha.

He found it injured while hunting,

brought it home...

...and raised it in his home.

Merry Christmas.

Moron.

Putz.

Jacob says Mike and Melanie

are getting back together.

He doesn't know his ass from a hole

in the ground. They're divorcing.

I got some things I wanted to tell you.

The reason I came down here tonight is--

I wanted to tell--

Hurry! I haven't got all night.

-Don't shout!

-I'm not.

Bust my tuchus to come here and

thank you and all you do is shout at me.

To thank me?

All right, I take it back.

I don't thank you.

Jesus, it's impossible!

Look, Goldman....

I want to ask you something.

Well, what? I ain't got all night

either. I'm just as busy as you are.

Do you love her?

Do I love her? What does that

have to do with anything?

It would make the whole thing

worthwhile.

You know something, I think you've

lost whatever marbles you ever had.

Do you think you walked

on coals for me?

Gave me back my fishing pole

and I said, "Thank you".

Fishing pole?

Pisses me off you broke it

but, schmuck that you are...

...I got to be realistic.

-What's so funny?

-You think this is about that pole?

-What's it about?

-Forget it.

What do you mean forget it?

I want to know.

You really want to know?

What about her?

You made me feel sorry for you.

She chose me!

She did!

And if anyone says otherwise

they're a damn liar!

What's the difference?

You got her anyway.

What are you looking at?

Stupid moron!

Stupid idiot!

It makes a difference, damn it!

Dirty rat. Little turd.

Oh, my God!

Are you dead?

Not yet. But I don't want to die

looking at your ugly face.

Stay there!

Stay there!

Wait a minute. I'll be right back!

Help!

We need a--

It's an emergency!

Emergency! We need an ambulance!

Somebody dial "911".

Could you tell me--

Oh, nurse...nurse.

Nurse, could you tell me where

Mr. John Gustafson is?

Are you friend or family?

What?

Are you friend or family, sir?

Friend.

Merry Christmas, John.

You putz.

Well, you'd better have a good reason

for standing me up this morning.

What's wrong?

Can I come in?

Sure.

I know you wanted to get rid of me,

but isn't this a little drastic?

My husband passed away at Easter.

If you leave me at Christmas, I won't

have any holidays to look forward to.

Except maybe...

...Thanksgiving, and...

...I really...

...I'm not crazy about turkey.

So, what do you say?

Let's go.

All right.

Okay, I can wait.

He could be dead tomorrow!

I'm sorry your friend is sick...

...but the court order is in

and my hands are tied.

Check the bedroom. File the paperwork.

He's straight as a grizzly's dick!

He'd never cheat on his taxes!

It's not a matter of cheating!

It's a matter of miscalculation.

He got health benefits for 20 years

while claiming as a married man.

However, he omitted to inform us that...

...his ex-wife had a part-time job

for 1 1 of those 20 years.

Had he done so,

we'd have informed him...

...that, because of her income...

...a larger portion of those benefits

were subject to federal taxes.

About $13,000.

He can raise that.

However....

...that amount when combined with...

...1 1 years worth of interest,

late charges, and penalties...

...comes out at about $57,000.

Ballpark.

He'd never find that.

He will when we sell his house.

The furniture goes to the auction house.

Any paperwork,

put in the back of my car, okay?

Beautiful day.

Do the world a favor and pull your lip

over your head and swallow.

A**hole!

Bloodsuckers!

Max what's going on?

Anyone looking?

No, why?

We got a problem.

-What is it?

-Somebody's barricaded the doors.

Wait a minute.

What?

Break in the door!

Watch this.

We'll see about this.

This isn't going to stop me,

Mr. Goldman.

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