Gun Shy Page #4

Well, what about metal assassin?

They split up.

Actually, they split up with

Turk since we got clean.

Yeah, it turns out

without the drugs and sex,

they had nothing to talk about.

I don't know if Turk has

ever forgiven me for that.

Well, he hasn't forgiven you

for saving his life?

I'm not sure he thinks

his life's worth too much.

He's been sulking for months.

He wouldn't even go on this

tour of Cayo Santiago with me.

He shouldn't

be paying my ransom.

He should be here with me,

god damn it.

My life is just so unfair.

My parents were burned

by narcos when I was three.

As a child alone

in the streets amidst the abuse,

the drugs and beatings,

I had one friend, my dog.

One day I got so hungry, I...

Ate my dog.

Okay, you win.

Stop.

Come on, come on, come on.

Beer?

Turkey!

Hey.

Oh, I got here

as fast as I could.

Oof.

So, uh,

where is John?

To be honest, I don't know.

I'm pretty low

on the pecking order,

but I hear that

he's somewhere important.

So who is he sending to help?

Ta-da!

I'm the cavalry.

Oh, Sheila, baby,

we are so screwed.

"And though she be but little,

she is fierce."

I've made us an appointment.

- Ah. Okay. Yeah. Good.

- Yeah.

- Who is coming for...

- G'day!

Oh! Here he is.

Oh.

Mr. Enry, Clive Muggleton.

I'm your case officer.

Heh.

Jesus. Those are some

white teeth, you know that?

They're beautiful. You know, it

reminds me of high-grade cocaine.

Yeah.

Hi. You must

be miss Monahan.

Well, we spoke on the phone,

so thanks very much

for coming down here.

Ah! A pleasure to put

a face to the voice

and a body to that face.

Sorry. I'm doing a course

on misogyny to stop all that.

That just popped out.

Won't happen again.

About my situation...

Yes, here's the blurb.

Layem international consultants.

We're a full-service

executive security agency.

We do it all,

from debugging offices

to providing expertise

in planning,

and here's

the part you'll like...

Executing ransom

and retrieval operations.

Wh-wh-what if something

happens to Sheila?

Well, I'll find

the bastards responsible,

and I'll bring you

their heads in a bag.

I...

I don't think I want

the head in a bag.

Where would I put it?

The fridge.

Yeah.

Look, I mean this

completely as a compliment,

but you have

the perfect-sized knockers.

I mean, they're just the size.

Sorry, won't happen again.

- Okay.

- So...

She tells me you're

in some sort of band?

He's in metal assassin.

Well, I can't say

I've heard of him,

but I'm into crowded house,

INXs, ac/dc,

both the Minogues,

Dannii and Kylie.

All right, enough chit-chat.

I'm gonna do some recon.

I'll meet you in the afternoon.

Stay out of trouble,

super b*obs.

I'm sorry. That one is

a step over the line.

Sir? Okay.

Okay. I want you to consider

a hypothetical situation.

You're presented with two doors.

Behind door number one,

germ-infested pile of fecal matter.

The closer you get

to this mound of excrement,

you see that it's teeming with

prostitutes, thieves, and pickpockets.

Sounds like my front door.

Behind door number two,

suitcase full of nice,

clean U.S. cash dollars.

That sounds better.

Well, which door would you take?

Mmm.

Mmm... okay.

The money over sh*t.

Okay, I have a way to make

both of our dreams come true.

You know what I would

do if I had $1 million?

I'd go get myself

a little dosa cart.

Sell dosas all day long.

I have no idea what that is.

Okay.

I want you to follow

Mr. Enry.

I need to know his every move.

Buenos das, seora.

This is awesome. Awesome.

Love it. I'm gonna buy

it from you.

I don't understand

this arrangement at all.

Machas gracias.

Well, all right,

gorgeous. G'day.

Oh.

How are you enjoying Valparaiso?

Yeah, it's like, um,

San Fran meets south beach,

only mucho grosser.

So it's a bit

like Nottingham really.

Look, I'm just gonna say it.

You look unbelievable

in those pants.

Five-star ass.

And there, that's me done.

Ha!

Gin and tonic?

Right, back to business.

The U.S. government.

They've got their heads

up their ass.

The kidnappers aren't

terrorists.

- How do you know that?

- I just know.

I reckon that some blokes

just got lucky.

They went fishing for tourists.

They nabbed the wife

of a rock star.

I reckon they're

shittin' themselves.

So what should we do?

Pay the ransom,

get your wife back...

Get laid,

not necessarily in that order.

All right,

we'll pick it up tomorrow.

In the meantime,

stay off the phones.

We want them out of the loop.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you later.

Ohh.

I'm agent Harding.

I got five words for ya.

Drop the Enry case.

Drop the Turk Enry case.

What do you care?

I might have some friends

in Washington

who would be interested in pulling

some lucrative middle-east contracts

once they find out

their guy in Chile

screwed the pooch

on a terrorism case.

Screwed the pooch?

You guys still saying that?

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Well, great.

Let's go.

No, no, no. Wait.

Hold on, hold on..

I thought you couldn't wait

to get out of here?

That guy is amazing.

So passionate.

And he's killing it,

and no one seems to give a sh*t.

He's the real deal.

Look at him.

He lives for music.

Sorry, sorry. Uh,

let me just write this down

while it's still in my head.

I'm not gonna sugar the pill.

I don't have great news.

Sheila?

No, the U.S. government.

They put pressure

on the company.

They won't let me take the case.

Is it because of that

terrorist crap, right?

Yep, yep. For what

it's worth, it's bullshit.

Am I supposed to let her rot

while they decide what

the hell they want to do?!

They already have

my million dollars!

Excellent. Excellent.

Now stay angry,

and I want you to listen to me,

all right? Hit the table.

- Why?

There's a guy over there.

He's been following us.

Act angry.

But I can't act unless I'm high

and I'm surrounded by dolphins.

I just need you to do it, okay?

I'm so angry, and, uh...

And... and, sh*t! Uh...

Yeah, well, company...

Gtt gtt gtt!

Can't take the case, but I will.

No, I'm... pissed off!

My fee's half million dollars

wired to this account.

Go to hell, you

marsupial-fellating dingo!

I'm sorry.

Don't know if you're

jerking my crank or his,

but the racial stuff, mate,

that's a bit... you know?

I was carried away,

you didgeridoo douchebag!

God, mate! I can't help ya!

You used-up

wannabe has-been!

You didn't have to get

personal, man, okay?

It really hurts.

My men stole it from a junkyard.

Mmm, they should

have left it there.

Whoa, watch out.

You need to be careful

when tacking.

The boom is always on the move.

You can sail?

Yeah. I was raised

in the fjords of Sweden.

Oh, I realize

I have much to learn.

I should not be captain.

You should be captain.

Okay, take the tiller.

Yes, of course.

Which one's the tiller?

Ah. This is the tiller.

I knew it.

Yeah. We'll make

a pirate of you yet.

Also, you're gonna need a hat.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes