Gun Shy Page #5

Ah! A pirate hat.

Filthy, sickening mountain

of vile putrefaction.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, I did.

There are currently two scenarios

that could work in our favor.

One, something terrible

happens to Turk Enry.

He can't get the money,

he can't pay the ransom,

they're stuck with a hostage.

Scenario two... kidnappers get

jumpy, they kill Sheila.

Now, I can't

control scenario two,

but I can control scenario one.

Oh, yes, yes. I understand.

I'm suggesting that

we take out Turk Enry,

but I need a way to do it

and stay safe.

Like how I stay safe

from your snake?

I stay far away.

You're a genius, Ramon.

Uh, I don't know this word.

That's a red-striped

coral snake.

It's more deadly than a cobra.

One drop of its venom

paralyzes every muscle

in the body,

making normal

organ function impossible.

Oh, this job has become

very strange, sir.

Hello. I would like to arrange

a hot tub treatment...

- Jacuzzi. Jacuzzi.

- I got this.

- For a very special friend of mine.

- Amigo.

- Okay.

- Amigo, right?

Yep. Uh...

Yeah, just say it.

S. Exacto,

un jacuzzi para Turk.

Gracias. S.

- That's it?

- Yeah.

Here's your towel, sir.

Anything you need, please call me.

All right.

- Beer?

- Beer!

Yes, that's my guy.

Thank you.

Hello, there.

Yeah.

No!

Hey! What the f***?!

Hey!

You are very lucky.

- No. Yeah?

- He saved you.

Plus the snake has died

from what we can only assume

is alcohol poisoning.

Doc...

Will I be able

to have sex again?

No sex for

at least three months.

Are you married?

Yeah, but she

has been held hostage.

Well, that made

things easier, right?

- Yeah.

- Mr. Enry.

This has...

- Oh.

- This just arrived for you.

Thank you, Ramira.

Mate. How you doin'?

Oh, I can't imagine

the pain you're in.

Bitten right on

the tip of your jizzpipe.

His dick has been in thousands

of dangerous places.

He'll be fine.

You have no idea

how he's feeling, love.

It's one of the many advantages

of having a vagina.

It's highly unlikely you're gonna

get bitten on the end of it.

Please stop talking

about my poisoned cock.

I had a mate sleeping

rough in the bush,

passed out one night, hammered,

woke up the next morning to discover

a dingo had eaten his ball.

Pfft!

Took it clean off.

Must got a taste for it, too.

Came back the next day,

took the other.

Clive.

Right, well, look, it's

all pretty straightforward.

Take the money to the

coordinates, go alone...

Seems pretty adamant about that.

Oh, we'd better

listen to them, you know?

They have already killed twice.

The only danger is

gonna be the drop-off,

and I'll handle it.

Now, when we do get the money,

the less time we spend

with that in our possession,

the better.

All right, you know,

it was hard enough

getting the first million.

Did you know

they make you count it?

Anyway,

we do anything suspicious,

and Harding's

gonna be all over us.

What's the matter?

Snake got your penis?

- Yeah.

- Just kidding.

I think I'm having an idea.

Huh?

Yeah.

This is how

we are gonna get the money.

- $1 million.

- First of all...

I use my tapped cell phone

to arrange the money

to be delivered

to the same bank as last time.

Yeah, so then I make a call

on your behalf from a pay phone,

and arrange for the money to

be sent to a different bank.

Exactly!

How tall are you, Clive?

Standard specification

sex machine, mate.

Me, too.

Now, I'm gonna wear this when

I go and collect the money.

That's a bloody

beautiful shirt, mate.

Glad you like it.

Agent Harding

will be on our tail.

- Follow that car!

So make sure, Turk,

you arrive at the bank

ten minutes early

giving you time to go into

the bar next door to the bank.

And you bring...

This stuff with you.

Oh.

As per your list.

This salt shaker is me.

These two butter cups

are you and Clive.

And this peanut is Ben Harding.

What's the bottle of beer?

That's my bottle of beer.

The plan there is I drink it.

Ahh. It's good.

So agent Harding

is at the bank...

And he needs to be kept there

as long as possible.

Now, since you do a lot

of undercover spy stuff,

I am assuming you have a

collection of various disguises.

Oh, disguises, got the lot.

What do you want?

Beards or gums?

Ball caps? Spectacles?

Testicles?

You can disguise

a man's a testicles?

Oh, sure.

A man's own testicles

can be a real giveaway.

Really?

Sorry, where do you buy

fake testicles?

Amazon.

G'day, agent Harding.

Where you goin'?

Where is he?!

Is what he'll probably say.

I don't know who

you're talkin' about, sir!

Marybeth,

keep an eye on Harding.

And let me know

when he's heading my way.

He'll be there in eight minutes.

Repeat, eight minutes.

Over and out. Bye.

There's only one other bank that

can handle that kind of cash.

It's not gonna take them long

to work out where you are.

Yeah, right on.

I just have to be quick.

All right, guys.

$1 million, right here.

And back here.

Rock 'n roll, man!

- Nice to see you.

- Very good. That was awesome.

Awesome.

Aah! Damn it!

Hmm.

And that's how we steal

a million dollars.

- But we're not stealing it.

- Um...

It's already yours.

Fine!

You know, that's how we make

a withdrawal from a bank.

It doesn't sound as good.

Then I do the drop,

you get your wife back,

we're all set.

Simple.

I know exactly where he's going.

There's no way this idiot

had more than

one new idea in a week.

To the El Amor bar and brothel.

There's an extra 20 U.S. cash

dollars if you know a shortcut.

Hey, dingo! Come on!

Yeah!

- Honey, honey.

- Just one more time.

I will give you for free.

Just one more time.

- I can't.

- Por favor.

Five's my limit. I've got

no more fluid left in me.

And I might have got...

Mwah!

Myself a little bit off track!

Hey, have you seen

a little girl?

Solid eight out of ten?

She was...

- Clive Muggleton.

- Sh*t.

I thought I told you

to get off of this case.

Good morning.

Move! I've got disease!

American government!

Get outta my way!

What are you doing?

You're a federal agent!

F***!

What's wrong?

Allergic to shellfish?

As a matter of fact, I am.

It's tight. You bastard!

How about some

shrimp on the Barbie?

How's that taste?!

How about some octopus, huh?

You got that

on the great barrier reef?

Oh! Ohh!

Oh, my god!

Ohh!

It's time.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

Let's go.

Are you okay, Marybeth?

Deep breaths, Marybeth.

Deep breaths.

- Ohm.

- Mmm!

I mean, I thought

he was a douchebag,

but he was the kind of douchebag

that always said

nice things about my bum.

That's a hell of a eulogy.

What do we do now?

Well, I guess

I'll make the drop.

I'll have to do it.

But you... but you'd

need to take a boat

and find the right location.

Well, I'll be fine.

Let's see where I'm going.

All right.

All I have to do is just

take a boat and go

from this dot thing

through this tunnel thing

and, uh, meet this thing

that looks like a...

Dildo.

Uh, thanks

for the suitcase. It was...

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