Half Magic Page #10

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I'm living in my fantasy world.

I'm sorry I was a jerk.

I really miss you.

Wow.

I can't believe you did this.

Thanks.

Don't thank me.

It's the candles.

-They really work.

-Stop making fun of me.

I'm not. My life was depressing

without your magic spells.

Thank you. It's true.

Listen, I have a great idea.

[EVA SPEAKING

IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

All right, the factory

in Jakarta's running behind.

[SIGHS]

Can we sell

the magical candles

in your store

and use the profits

to pay Candy's rent?

I don't know. Maybe I have

too much low self-esteem.

I'm sorry

that I projectile-vomited

my low self-esteem onto you,

and I promise to swallow it

back down next time.

Ew.

That is the grossest analogy.

-Yes, you can sell candles here.

-Thank you.

You guys look really cute.

-We're witches.

-Oh!

I thought you were,

like, mean cowgirls.

Witches. It's better.

It's better.

Come see.

We'll set up over here.

CANDY:
A lot of people are gonna

tell you

you can't do things

in your life,

and I'm here to tell you

that you can.

Believe in yourself.

And remember

how amazing you really are.

Oh! We sold so many.

Wow, witches are, like,

the new vampires.

It's shocking how many people

are buying these things.

The two children's dresses

we made came in.

What do you want

to do with them?

Oh. [SIGHS]

What's happening with Mark?

We broke up.

I forgot the good-guy pact

and I chose Darren.

And I really regret it.

You gotta give

those little girls

-their dresses.

-EVA:
I'm pretty sure

he never wants to see me again.

Fine. What do you think?

Maybe not, right?

-[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

-Oh, my God!

That look. Jeez.

All right. Okay.

He didn't come,

so there you go.

Not home, right?

-[DOOR OPENING]

-Oh, God.

Uh, hi. How are you? Um...

I know you probably

don't want to see me. Um...

I made dresses

for your daughters.

Nice. Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry I sabotaged

our relationship.

And I'm sorry I treated you

so badly

when you're just, like,

the greatest guy.

Thanks for saying that,

but, uh...

I don't think we should

see each other anymore.

Um...

for what it's worth,

I broke up with Darren...

for good.

Just...

I don't think

I liked myself enough

to choose a good guy.

I didn't think I deserved it.

MARY:
Eva!

-Hey, sweetie!

-Hey, Eva.

I made you dresses.

Yay! Come in!

Evie, Evie, Evie!

[WHISPERING] Yes!

I like the dress.

I'm having an orgasm.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I feel it

I feel it

I feel it

I feel love

EVA:
Who knew getting a divorce

could be so great?

-CANDY:
Yeah.

-What's going on with Daniel?

Nothing! That's why we need

a super-powerful spell.

I think we should call

on all the elements to help us.

-Honey, are you in?

-I'm so in.

In fact, I'm gonna call

on the elements.

What are the elements?

-[LAUGHING]

-Uh, Earth.

Okay, Earth. Earth. Okay.

I am going to-- I don't know,

I'm going to call on the Earth

and-- Is that really dorky?

-No, no, no!

-No, it's amazing!

-I'm gonna walk on it. Why not?

-CANDY:
Okay.

CANDY:
What's up, earth?

[LAUGHING]

HONEY:
Okay,

what's another element?

-Uh, wind.

-Okay, what about...

-Would incense count?

-Yeah!

-Sure.

-All right. Um...

we call on the wind.

[WIND BLOWING]

-Am I imagining that?

-No.

-Wow, so cool!

-So cool!

Okay, what about water?

Here. Drink your drinks.

I call on water!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[SQUEALING]

Guys, we made it rain.

CANDY:
Candles are fire.

Purple for power.

The power to get what we want.

Say your wishes.

I wish to like myself.

-So mote it be.

-So mote it be.

I wish to know that I deserve

the good things in life.

ALL:
So mote it be.

I wish for love...

-and money.

-[HONEY CHUCKLES]

-So mote it be.

-So mote it be.

We ask the elements to help us

with our hearts' desires.

This...

or something better.

All I could ever need

Is you

[CANDY LAUGHING]

If you believe in magic,

then there's magic!

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

It's raining so hard!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

HONEY:
"To truly experience

ecstatic sex,

you must first fall in love

with yourself.

Look at yourself in a mirror

and say, 'I love you.' "

[SIGHS]

I love you.

I love you.

Well...

"Now look at your yoni

in a mirror

and admire

its tremendous beauty."

I love you.

"Discover what kind of pressure

you like. Play music."

I pull up to the club

I got my swag on

The music's playing loud

Can't play their money y'all

I see 'em lookin' at me

She got a pretty smile

So I'm-a get a drink

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm. Okay.

[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on

Hell! Hell! Hell!

And hell!

Shut up.

Girl I want ya

There's no way...

-Can you take your shirt off?

-Don't. Please. Please don't.

Can I just leave it on?

Can I-- Okay.

Um...

I just...

I don't want you

to be disappointed.

Why don't you let me be

the judge of that?

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

You are the most beautiful

woman I've ever seen.

[EVE LAUGHING]

-[SIGHS]

-WOMAN:
See ya, Jane.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Can I talk to you

for a second?

-Okay.

-Um,

I'm the old assistant

who likes sluts.

I know who you are.

I liked your script.

Thank you. So I'm not working

for Peter anymore.

Good. He's a dick.

Yeah. And I wrote a new script

and I wanted to pitch it to you

and I was hoping

you would read it.

How did you find me?

Well, I, uh...

I stole Peter's contacts.

-Oh, very sneaky. I like that.

-I'm sneaky.

-Mm-hmm.

-I want to be a filmmaker.

Really?

Have you directed before?

-No, just a short.

-Hmm. Well, okay.

You can walk me to my car.

I'll give you five minutes.

Okay!

Are you dating Steve?

What? No.

-Let's be monogamous.

-Oh!

Let's be monogamous right now!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-CANDY:
Oh!

-Ow.

Mm-hmm!

I am going to get

the biggest Cosmo they got.

-Make it a double.

-Oh, I just love your boots.

-They're gorgeous.

-Right? I know. Right?

-Excuse me.

-Yes?

Are you the priest

from St. Francis of Assisi?

Yes, I used to be.

I used to go to your church

when I was a kid.

Oh!

-Well.

-Yeah.

Hmm.

Didn't you used to preach

that no one should have sex

unless it was for the purpose

of procreation?

Oh, I used to say

a lot of stuff.

-FRANK:
Mm-hmm.

-Now I just do what feels good.

-And what feels good is Frank.

-Mm-hmm!

Excuse me. But--

but what about people

who listened to what you said

and then they spent

their lives feeling tormented?

And what about hell?

Sorry?

Don't torment yourself.

I think God wants us

to be happy.

-So uncomfortable.

-Right? I know.

I know you're gonna talk

at TED one day.

You are so great.

I love you.

I love you. Thank you.

You know, Honey got me

that unicorn.

It's so cute!

Unicorns are lame.

You don't like unicorns?

-Eh.

-What?

I-- I just...

I'm not crazy about 'em.

How can you not like unicorns?

I-- I think they're creepy.

-Creepy?

-Yes,

especially when they're looking

over the bed.

Look, a human interacting

with a computer

is interesting, you know?

But when a human interacts

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