Half Magic Page #9

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-I can connect you.

-I got my phone. It's good.

DANIEL:
I can probably connect

you guys on an email.

Just type it in yourself?

And is it Candy

with an I or a Y?

-With a Y.

-Oh, why not?

Oh. Why-- why would it be

with an I, you know?

PETER:
You guys

are all handsome guys.

You know what I'm talking about.

It's the fast-paced

Hollywood lifestyle.

You know how many girls

I've had sex with? 21.

And I'm only 35.

And I've eaten 12 pussies,

most of them

on the girls I've f***ed. Hey!

HONEY:
Hey.

-[CLEARS THROAT]

-I got your text.

PETER:
One second, guys.

I'll be right back.

Follow me. I got

to piss out of my cock.

Did Linda read my script?

Uh, yeah, she agreed

with a few things about it,

so, uh, I got rid of her.

You got rid of her?

Yeah. And, uh, it turns out

I got some new financiers

for the movie,

so it doesn't matter

what Linda thinks.

Oh, plus...

you're fired.

Well, great, 'cause I quit.

And I'm gonna write

my own movie about a woman

having a religious orgasm.

And no one stabs her in the ass.

First of all, you can't quit

after I fire you, so...

A person can be smart

and have big b*obs.

And people are gonna

watch my movie

and people are gonna love it!

No one respects you,

big b*obs.

Uh...

You know,

I used to want to be you.

But all the success in the world

doesn't make you happy,

does it?

I have friends

and you don't have any friends,

and I'm happy.

Yeah, I guess, you know what,

maybe I'm not so happy

in my life.

Maybe if we had sex

in this bathroom,

I might be happy about that,

so why don't you get

on your knees, baby?

F*** you.

[DARREN GROANING]

Oh. Oh.

Oh, wow.

I'm sorry you didn't come.

You know what I love about you?

You're so comforting, you know?

Here's the thing...

Sex dies...

in every relationship.

So maybe we should be together.

-What?

-I'm-- I'm just--

I'm losing my passion

for Chandra, you know?

-Oh.

-You know, I just don't want

-anyone to get hurt.

-Oh my God,

Chandra broke up with you.

That's why you're here.

No, she's following

One Direction for a while.

Oh, perfect!

-That's so perfect!

-I know.

I'm a clich. But...

the handsome guy runs off

with a younger, hot,

sexy, fit, tight little girl,

and then he gets bored,

and he wants to come

running home to mommy.

-EVA [SIGHS]

-[MIMICS BABY]

Mommy?

Uh,

I'm not your mommy, okay?

Okay, you don't understand.

Here's the thing.

I'm saving...

my sexual energy...

for my art.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

I think maybe sex

doesn't die for everyone.

It just has died for you

and your weird dick.

-And Mark couldn't wait...

-Stop it. Stop it.

...to go down on me.

He f***ing loved going down,

-and I loved it!

-Oh, stop. Ew. Ew. Ew.

-Oh, no, see, that says it all.

-First of all, ew.

-"Ew."

-Ew. Ew.

You asked him

to go down on you.

No, I didn't ask him!

He asked me! He begged me!

-Oh, my God.

-Mm-hmm.

-What an a**hole.

-That's what he said.

-Stop. That's not-- Stop it.

-He did.

He said I had

a beautiful butthole. Ha-ha!

[MOANING]

-You want a line?

-No, thanks. I'm fine.

Oh! [SIGHS]

Are you a drug addict?

Why would you ask that?

No reason.

No. Look, that's just

a piece of art, yeah?

It's a piece of art

about a feeling, you know?

Just a feeling

some people make me feel.

So there's a lot

of other people

who think you're a drug addict?

No. No, I just like to party

and have a good time is all,

yeah?

Who else thinks

you're a drug addict?

[GROANS] Look,

just my stupid family.

Your family?

Yeah, look,

just 'cause they give me money,

it makes them think they got

the right to judge me, yeah?

But come on.

Let's get some food.

Why does your family think

you're a drug addict?

[SCOFFS]

I'm Freedom, yeah?

I'm free from family shackles.

Stop doing drugs.

I'll help you.

I love you.

Yeah, I-- I love you so much.

And I've been thinking, yeah?

I--

I've got to get out of this city

for a while...

'cause sometimes a man,

he needs to go on walkabout.

I've got these big mountains

to climb, yeah?

A man, he needs to be able

to climb his mountains, yeah?

Do you understand?

Not really. Are you talking

about real mountains, or--

I'm talking about the mountains

that only a real man can climb,

yeah? 'Cause that's-- that's me.

I'm a man.

Can I come with you?

No.

No, I've got wars to fight.

Do you see?

Hey, maybe we'll reunite, yeah?

In, like, five years.

Five years?

Yeah.

Come on, look in my eyes.

What am I thinking?

I don't know.

Can two people

ever really be together?

And once they're together,

can they ever really be apart?

These feelings...

they'll always exist inside us.

Maybe I'll come back for you

one day.

But maybe not.

And remember...

I left you better

than I found you.

CANDY:
"I left you better

than I found you"?

HONEY:
And then he went off

to climb mountains.

Probably mountains of cocaine.

How can I have

the amazing sex again?

I think he was the one.

EVA:
No, he's not the one.

You're the one.

You're the only one

that matters.

These candles are dangerous.

And they don't work!

Let's do a spell for the power

to make our dreams come true.

We don't have power.

We have low self-esteem.

Okay, don't say that.

-[YELLING] Ah! The candles!

-Stop it.

Only a stupid idiot

would believe in a magic candle.

I believe in them.

That's 'cause you live

in a fantasy world.

-What is going on?

-HONEY:
Look,

I paid a lot of money

for your candles

and I'm gonna sue you

for false advertising!

I bought them

from a candle emporium.

-They're not magic.

-I hate the candles!

-No!

-Whoa, calm down!

You guys all have your periods,

right? That's--

The candles suck!

All right, you know,

this is your friend.

You are fired.

Oh! I quit!

She's not my friend!

'Cause I'm not friends

with people

that think I'm stupid. [SOBBING]

And we're not on our periods!

I mean, to be fair,

I am on my period.

It's towards the end

of my cycle.

It's only a matter of time

for the rest of them, right?

-Would you just stop?

-Okay.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-[SNIFFLING]

-You okay?

-Not really.

-You know what?

Screw this place.

Hey.

Working with you has been

the best part of my job.

You know,

I wanted to be the voice

of modern feminism,

but I'm a loser.

And I...

don't think my friends

will ever talk to me again,

'cause I took a big crap

on them

and then I crapped

in front of them.

I took an emotional sh*t.

Everything's gonna be okay.

I believe in you, yo.

And you do have

a feminist voice.

You're the full package.

I think you're a package

and a half.

-I'm a package and a half?

-Yeah.

I'd even go so far as saying

you're two packages.

That's the nicest thing

that anyone's ever said to me.

That's the nicest thing

I've ever said.

Huh.

[DOOR KNOCKING]

[SCREAMS]

HONEY:
Hello. I'm looking

for the special unicorn lady

who lives in this apartment

and is very magical.

Oh. Leave me alone.

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