Half Magic Page #8

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it has potential to be

a real blockbuster,

because what we've done here

is we've-- we've satisfied

the demands of the genre

while also creating

something truly original.

Oh, sorry, man.

I almost fell asleep

with what you're saying,

'cause it's boring as sh*t.

Hey, do you want to have sex

in the bathroom,

or do you want to reject me

like my own mother did, huh?

Why did you break up

with me? Huh?

Why did you break up with me?

All I wanted to do was love you,

and mentor you, and help you

achieve your true potential.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say.

I hate

that you're not into me.

It makes me so much more

attracted to you.

And I thought you were

desperate and too old

to bear children

without birth defects.

Oh, that's so out of line.

I'm so relieved

that you find me attractive,

but when can Linda read

the script that we wrote?

I don't want you speaking

directly to Linda anymore,

okay? And here's another piece

of advice for you,

uh, your b*obs are too big,

okay?

They're too big

and they're flopping around,

and they make you look

like a bimbo, all right?

You look like a dummy.

That's why your directing career

hasn't gotten off the ground

yet,

'cause you look

like a big-boobied dummy.

Well, that's great advice.

Should I cut my b*obs off

-so I can seem smarter?

-No,

you shouldn't cut

your b*obs off, okay?

But what you could do is,

you could mash them down

a little bit. You could take--

You know what you could do?

You could Saran Wrap them, okay?

I do it to my dick

when I'm on vacation in France.

I got a big dick

and it f***ing goes right here

and I tape it here.

My bodacious ta-tas honor me

and they honor you.

Should I be taking notes

on some of this stuff

for the sexual-harassment

lawsuit we're all going to?

Hey, don't make me load

my emotional gun, okay, dude?

'Cause I'm one step away

from loading this emotional gun,

dude.

Cool.

That dress looks

so great on you.

Why are you going out

with Darren again?

HONEY:
You should be going out

with the licker. I mean,

there's no contest.

You either get licked

or you don't.

[SIGHS]

I was married to Darren

for 14 years.

I have to give him

another chance.

Yeah, you don't want him

to miss out on another chance

of not going down on you again.

Okay, I just texted Mark

and I made a date tonight,

-10:
00 p.m., Butchers & Barbers.

-Oh, no! No!

Then I said, "Would you lick me

all over after?"

-No!

-No, I didn't say that.

-Give it to me.

-We must enact

the good-guy pact.

-Give it to me.

-[DOORBELL RINGING]

[SQUEALING]

[EXHALING]

[SIGHS]

Oh, hi, babe.

-Hey!

-Hey. Good to see you.

-Yeah.

-[GROANS]

-Glad you're feeling better.

-Thanks.

-Hey, I'm Honey.

-And I'm Candy.

Oh.

All kinds of lozenges.

Cool. I thought

it was just gonna be us tonight.

Yeah. Oh, of course.

Of course.

Um, I can take it from here.

Don't f*** with her.

Okay. So it's time to go.

Um, I'll talk to you guys later.

Let's go.

Don't forget your date tonight

at ten.

You have a date?

-Uh-

-Tonight?

Yes. She has a date.

With who? [CHUCKLES]

Not helping.

Okay, come on.

So...

I don't care,

but who are you dating?

-Uh, I'm not. I'm just--

-I don't care.

-I really don't care.

-Okay,

well, I might see Mark later,

because I-- I just,

you know, ran into him

the other day.

-You're dating my friend Mark?

-No, I'm not dating him.

-I said I don't care.

-We-- we hung out a little bit.

-I don't care.

-Okay.

I don't care.

-Did you f*** Mark?

-What?

No. I mean, come on.

-Yes, I did. Okay.

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay, I f***ed Mark!

It's none of your business!

You f***ed my friend!

How could--

You f***ed my friend!

Of course that's my business!

Forget it.

Forget I mentioned it.

How could I forget that?

We got--

He's my friend.

We go on vacations together.

We went biking in Tuscany!

That was a horrible trip.

Just forget it, okay?

I can't forget

that you f***ed my friend.

I don't care about Mark.

I love you. I love you, honey.

I love you.

Okay?

-Where do you want to go?

-[SIGHS]

I don't care.

Where do you want to go?

We'll go to Butchers & Barbers.

-No, we are not! Stop it.

-Get in. Get in.

-Don't be a child.

-That's exactly

-where we're going.

-Do not be a child.

-I'm not being a child

-Yes, you are.

I'm being

an extremely angry adult!

-All right.

-That's a huge difference!

Get it out here,

'cause we're not going there!

-Are you gonna open my door?

-Of course I am.

Thank you.

-DARREN:
Oh, Mark?

-EVA:
Darren.

-DARREN:
Mark!

-Darren. Darren.

I always knew

you wanted to f*** my wife.

Whoa, uh, we're there. Uh...

You're right.

Oh, God. Um...

Just-- just deny it at least!

At least deny it

for appearances!

For crying out loud!

Guess what. Is this expensive?

Mark! Oh, my God!

How do you like me now? Huh?

-Stop it!

-Huh?

-Really?

-Yeah! Yeah, really!

-Shin kicks?

-DARREN:
Yeah.

-Stop it!

-You know I took kung fu?

-Okay.

-Huh?

-He took, like, two karate--

-[DARREN SCREAMS]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Darren! Stop it!

He drank a Red Bull in the car.

He's really sensitive

to caffeine.

-DARREN:
Time out, time out!

-You're gonna hurt yourself.

-EVA:
I'm gonna pull up the car.

-Oh, wow. Big man, huh?

-Settle down.

-Big man with the restaurant

and the washboard face.

Sensei Doug

would be horrified.

Guess what.

Ask her who she wants.

-Oh, I'm not doing that.

-No, ask her who she wants.

-Who do you want?

-I am not gonna answer that.

DARREN:
You have to

choose. This...

or "Thor."

[DARREN SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hey.

-Hey. [CHUCKLES]

You came.

I'm glad you called me back.

I missed you.

-You look really beautiful.

-Thank you.

Have you thought

more about monogamy?

Ah, you really love that word.

Can we talk about that later?

I mean, this is

a really important party.

-I want to talk about it now.

-[SIGHS]

That's...

Oh.

That's Steve Evans.

That's the guy that picks

all the, uh, the TED speakers.

-[SIGHS]

-I got to talk to him.

-Now?

-Yeah, come on.

[CHUCKLES]

Steve. Hey, how are you, man?

Daniel Peters,

-from the-- from the emails.

-From the emails.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-[CHUCKLES] Isn't that great?

-Yeah.

We got to get together, man.

You know, we've been, uh...

Oh, this is Candy.

Hi.

-Hey.

-Is this your girlfriend?

-No!

-Yeah.

I'm a free agent.

I'm interested in making lots

of sexual connections,

because I can't be tied down

by monogamy.

-[DANIEL CHUCKLES]

-Really?

Interesting.

What do you do, Candy?

I study the significance

of ritual,

and also I hate monogamy!

[CHUCKLES] Give me

some casual sex, please!

[LAUGHING] Me, too!

[LAUGHING] Yeah, yeah,

that's great.

-Yeah, that's fun.

-STEVEN:
Oh, Daniel, you have...

fascinating friends.

Well, she's--

It's more than a friend,

-so--

-Am I?

I would love to learn more,

uh, about this.

Can I...

Could I get your number?

-Sure, Steve.

-Hang on a minute.

-Listen--

-It's good. I got my phone.

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