Hamlet 2 Page #4

Come on.

Are you sending me to the gas chamber?

Right this way, sir.

What is happening?

Good morning, class.

Okay, I'd like to start

by saying two things.

First of all, acid

is a very strong drug,

and B, where are my pants and underwear?

Excuse me, Mr. Marschz.

We need to discuss something

about the latest draft.

The role of Laertes, my part,

you've turned him into a gay.

He's not gay. He's bi-curious.

And the role has also

been reduced significantly.

Rand, theater is a living thing.

Octavio's performance the other day,

combined with my wife's

intense desire to get pregnant,

not to mention the acid,

inspired me to take some bold steps

in looking at my

relationship with my father.

That meant reducing Laertes' role.

And the gay thing, I just thought

you'd be more comfortable...

What? What?

This has nothing to

do with my sexuality!

Listen, listen, I've given

my life to this class,

and now it all goes out

the window because of him?

Because he inspired you?

It's what's best for the play.

Not acceptable! I quit!

Oh, man, you can't quit now.

Rand!

Rand! What?

Let's talk about this.

I hate you, you stupid, fat f***er!

Am I fat?

I want you to meet a friend of mine.

He got stuck inside my time machine.

His name is Jesus Christ.

Oh, yeah. We heard you were coming back.

Jesus has a rocking swimmer's bod.

Okay, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

What's really going on here?

Is Jesus, like, a swimmer?

Jesus is very lean...

Can we please wait

until lunch to do that?

Thank you.

Where was I? Jesus has a swimmer's body.

Jesus has a swimmer's body,

and while he's one of the

more spiritual people on Earth,

he's also very attractive to you.

He's attractive to me?

Jesus is sexy to you. Which leads

us on to the musical interlude,

Rock Me, Sexy Jesus.

Okay, you are

40-something minutes late.

I can't do the play.

What?

My dad's making me quit the play.

That's impossible. You're the lead.

He said, "No way."

Goddamn macho bastards

and their fear of the arts.

They just don't get it!

Okay, we're fighting this.

Even if we have to take

on the whole ghetto.

No, wait. What do you mean?

We're going to your house. Now.

No, no, no, we can't do that.

It's not a good idea.

My father tried to stand in

the way of my dreams, too.

He's dead now,

but you could say, like Hamlet's

ghost, I'm still haunted by him.

Because he caused me so much pain,

which is why I tried to become an actor,

which caused me so much pain.

You can't let your

ethnic narrow-mindedness

stop your son from

thriving in our culture.

I have to take exception

to that characterization.

Heywood's a bad boy.

He's a gang-banger. A deadbeat.

But he also has a gift.

Who is Heywood?

Your son, Heywood Jablomey.

Oh.

I just got that.

Octavio doesn't belong to a gang.

He's got a 3.9 and an

early acceptance to Brown.

He does?

Yes, our concerns about the

play are of a different nature.

If it's the sex and violence,

I can totally tone that down.

No, we are fine with those.

Then what is it?

We merely expressed our

absolute distaste for a sequel

to what is arguably the greatest

play in the English language.

Not to mention the quality of

the writing, which is quite low.

Well, no offense, but what

the hockey-puck do you know?

Well, I've published nine novels.

I have a PhD in literature.

My wife is a painter.

She currently has an exhibit

at the Guggenheim in Bilbao.

Oh, okay.

Then...

Help me fix my play!

I'm trying to save drama!

You have Hamlet using a time machine

to stop Gertrude from

drinking the poison,

to stop Ophelia from drowning.

You're taking the tragedy

out of the tragedy.

I just wondered why in

Hamlet 1 everybody has to die.

It's such a downer! I mean, if Hamlet

had had just a little bit of therapy,

he could have turned everything around.

Everybody deserves a second chance!

Yes, well, we'll let

Octavio make up his own mind.

Thank you for taking the time.

Let me show you the way out.

Could we talk more?

I would love to get your notes.

I would do anything... I'd do chores.

I'd clean your rain gutters.

I'm afraid we don't have rain gutters.

You're a liar, everybody

has rain gutters!

Mr. Rocker?

Yes, what is it, Rand?

Here.

Hamlet 2?

It's the play Mr. Marschz wrote.

What about it?

I think you need to take a look at it.

Why?

Let's just say that

when you get to the scene

where Gertrude gives Hamlet a hand job,

you'll sense my drift.

Did you just say "hand job"?

Yes, I did.

He thinks he's going to

save drama with this play.

Mr. Rocker, if you care about

decency and if you love this country,

you will stop Dana

Marschz. Take him down.

Then take him from behind!

Go Mustangs!

Hey!

I'm here for her. I'm here for her.

Apologies, the Snackatorium is no

longer available, regrettably, because

the ladies who make macaroni and

cheese are getting very territorial.

So without further ado, I'd like

to introduce you to Elisabeth Shue.

Elisabeth Shue, get up here.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for having me.

God, I really have a tough time

speaking in front of people.

I get a little nervous.

I'm way more nervous than you.

I'm like... My brain is like mush.

Elisabeth Shue, is she real?

Somebody pinch my ass.

It's inappropriate.

I'm sorry. It's just...

Should we just take questions?

That'd be great.

Okay, class, questions for Ms. Shue.

Someone other than Epiphany.

Okay, not all at once.

You guys, come on, I asked

you to prepare a few questions.

You know, I'm a reasonable guy.

I don't lose it when I...

Jesus Christ!

Can we not share this space in peace?

Epiphany?

Hi. I just want to say I

think your make-up is pretty.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

It is nice.

What about Mr. Alpha Male up there?

Got a question for Ms. Shue?

Yeah.

Who are you? Oh, come on!

Could you not even Google her?

The Karate Kid, the

crane. "Wax on, wax off."

Soapdish. Dreamer,

with the f***ing horse.

Any of that sh*t ring a bell?

Sorry. Pardon my French.

I've heard the word "sh*t" before.

In Hollywood, you pretty

much have to swim in it.

That is funny, that's...

Excuse me for a second.

What do you miss about acting?

You know what I really

miss about acting?

I miss kissing. In love scenes.

I had so much fun making out

with all those cute actors.

I would love to stay and hear this.

Yeah, I think if I had one

complaint about nursing,

it would be that you don't get

to make out with your patients.

It's fricking exciting having

Elisabeth Shue in class.

Because of its unwholesome content,

the school cannot allow

the exhibition of Hamlet 2.

Where did you get that?

Entirely beside the point.

Did Rand give it to you?

Nudity and pornography are not

permitted on the school premises.

There's no nudity or pornography!

Minimal.

You have Satan French-kissing

the President of the

United States of America!

It's a parting embrace before

the moment of damnation.

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