Hangover Part 2, The Page #3

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- You did it, buddy.

- You sure did.

ALL:

Cheers.

What the hell?

What?

ALAN:

No.

Phil?

I think it's happened again.

Alan, what the f*** did you do?

I didn't do anything. I swear to God.

Your hair is gone.

No, no.

UP...

Where the f*** are we?

Phil, I'm scared.

Stu, come on, get up. We got a situation.

Oh, holy sh*t.

Where are we?

Oh, my God, Alan. Your head.

No, your head.

He's bald.

Stu, you're gonna freak out,

but it's gonna be okay.

Why? What's...? Is it my teeth?

- It's not your teeth.

ALAN:
No.

- Are you sure?

- Yep.

- Did you check the bottoms?

- I did.

Oh, my God.

What the f***? Ow!

That's good.

Why don't you try to wash it off?

STU:

It's not coming off!

This is a real tattoo!

Alan, what did you do?

Did you roofie me?

- I didn't do anything.

- Stu, he swore to God.

What happened?

PHIL:
Oh, jeez!

STU:
What is it?! What is it?!

Help! Back there! What are you'?!

ALAN:

Did you see that jump?

- Oh, what the hell?!

- Oh, it's a monkey.

Look at the cute little vest.

Hi, little monkey.

Alan. Alan.

Butthole.

- Phone.

- Hi, monkey.

Look, Alan, Alan, go find the phone.

I got it.

Doug. Doug. Where the hell are you?

I'm at breakfast. By the pool.

You guys coming down or what?

Oh, Jesus. Thank God. Doug's fine.

Stu, Doug's fine! He's at the resort.

Why aren't we at the resort?

What's going on? Where are you?

I don't know, man. We woke up

in some shithole room in some city.

DOUG:

Oh, God. What city?

I don't know, Doug. F***ing Asia Town.

I don't know. I told you.

Where are we?

PHIL:

I have no f***ing idea.

ALAN:
Hey, Stu.

- What?

Check this out.

You ever seen anything like this?

- What is that?

ALAN:
Careful!

Might be a spider's nest.

I've tangled with those before.

I don't get it, man. I mean,

we each had one beer last night, right?

- I mean, you too.

- Yeah, but I left early, remember?

PHIL:

I don't remember sh*t.

Tracy wasn't feeling well.

She came down to get me.

Wait a second. Is Teddy with you guys?

PHIL:
Teddy? What?

What are you talking about?

They've been looking for him

all morning.

- Teddy went to Stanford, right?

DOUG:
Yeah. Why?

F***!

I just found his finger.

DOUG:

What?

I just found his f***ing finger, Doug.

Phil, what is going on?

All right. All right, all right, all right.

This is what we're gonna do.

Tell the girls that we woke up early...

and went on a fishing trip.

That's where we are.

- Right.

- All right, stay by the phone.

Sh*t!

PHIL:

All right, we got a little bit of a problem.

What is that?

We don't know.

Is it a worm?

It's a mushroom.

Yeah, shiitake.

Monkey, taste it. What do you think?

Is it shiitake?

He can't understand you.

STU:

He just did.

Why is he pulling on it?

He's probably hungry.

Wait a second. Is that...?

CHOW:

Aah! What the f***, man?!

Tell that gay monkey

to leave my sh*t alone!

Chow'?!

CHOW:

You f***ing crazy.

Ah, so f***ing light in here.

Alan.

Grab me my sunglasses.

- It's great to see you, Leslie.

- Mm. Nice to see you too, my little hobo.

Chow, what the f*** are you doing here?

Alan called me a few days ago

and invited me to wedding.

- Excuse me?

- What? He's my plus one.

You didn't have a plus one.

It's $200 a plate.

Guys, guys. Just focus, okay?

Chow, what happened?

You guys texted me, said you f***ed up

and looking to party.

I picked you up in my boat

and I brought you here to Bangkok.

And we had a sick night, b*tches!

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait a second, Chow.

Chow, we're in Bangkok?

Holler! City of squalor!

Do you know how I got this tattoo?

Uh, yeah. From a f***ing tattoo guy.

Come on, Stewie.

Use that big Jewish brain.

Hey, what's the monkey holding?

That's a finger!

PHIL:

Stu, I got some bad news.

Teddy was with us last night.

That's his finger.

Teddy... Teddy's dead?

Ha, ha. Teddy not dead.

He party with us all night.

PHIL:

Well, then where is he?

Don't you remember anything?

- No!

- No. Nothing, Chow.

Okay, okay. I explain it all, okay?

Just let me do one bump,

get my head straight.

Come to papa.

- Okay.

- That's a big...

You ready for craziest f***ing story of...

Chow.

Mr. Chow, are you okay?

You gotta be kidding me.

F***, he's dead.

- Help!

- Stu.

- Help! Help!

- Stu, shut up.

Stu, shut up. Stu, shut up!

- Call an ambulance!

PHIL:
Shut up!

He's dead. Look, if someone comes and

finds a dead body and a pile of cocaine...

we'll spend the rest of our lives

in a Thai prison. Shh!

Alan. Alan, please stop crying.

All right. All right!

I just need a second to figure this out.

STU:
This is the worst idea ever.

What the f*** is this place?

ALAN:
"Bangkok is the capital of Thailand.

Its population is 12 million people."

Alan, put the cards away and help.

Elevator.

ALAN:

I'll get the button. I'll get the button.

What the f*** is the deal

with this monkey?

ALAN:

That monkey gets it.

STU:
Come on.

- Oh, f***. No, the power's out.

- We gotta take the stairs.

- Ah, f***!

Come on.

Here it is.

Feet first, feet first. I've done this before.

STU:

Alan.

ALAN:

All right. Careful. Careful.

- Stu.

STU:
What?

We still have to find Teddy.

Oh, God.

The roof!

- Teddy!

- Teddy!

- Teddy! Teddy!

- Teddy! Teddy!

ALAN;

Teddy!

- You guys see anything?

- No.

Come on. Where are you, buddy?

He's not here.

I can't believe this is happening again.

Okay. Look, we'll handle this.

You get back there.

You tell them that Alan and I

got drunk with him, we're still partying.

- You gotta go get married.

- No, no.

I'm not going back without Teddy.

It's Lauren's little brother,

he's lost, he's injured.

If I f*** this up...

I lose everything.

Okay.

All right.

Alan, check your pockets.

- What?

- You know the drill.

Come on, there might be clues.

- Check your phones. Numbers, texts.

- Oh, that's a good idea.

- I got nothing. F***.

- Me neither.

- I got a text from Chow.

- What time?

Uh, 10:
00 last night.

What's it say?

"On my way, niggas."

Oh, niggas. Okay.

Hip-hop.

We are so f***ed.

- Hey, Phil.

- What?

Look who's back. Hi.

We gotta get you out of the sun.

Get you a hat.

Yeah. Yeah.

STU:
Phil, I really think we should go

to the American Consulate.

PHIL:
For what? Report a dead body

we shoved into an ice machine?

Are we gonna keep walking in circles?

That's real productive.

I'm trying to figure this out.

Your attitude is not helping.

Well, I'm sorry. It's 100 degrees

and we don't have a plan.

And all we've done is buy him hats

and sodas.

What? it's a bag of Fanta.

- All right, what do you wanna do, Stu?

- I don't know.

- Then stop yelling at me like it's my fault.

- It is your fault!

All I wanted was a bachelor brunch.

Sh*t. Shut up, it's Doug. Talk to me.

Just got off the phone with Bangkok P.D.

They got him. He's okay.

Oh. Thank God. Doug found him.

- What happened?

DOUG:
He got arrested.

- Arrested? For what?

- Disorderly conduct.

- Seriously?

DOUG:
Yeah. He's okay, though.

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