Hangover Part 2, The Page #6

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How's any of this even possible?

I mean, if I was a foot to my left,

Stu, I'd be dead.

What are we gonna do?

I'm sorry, guys.

This wasn't part of the plan.

What plan, Alan?

I've said too much already.

Alan, what plan?

This is all Teddy's fault.

PHIL:

What are you talking about, Alan?

Why is he here?

He's not part of the wolf pack.

Alan, what did you do?

It's not my fault. Teddy shouldn't have

been sharing from his bag.

What bag?

The marshmallows.

I had a separate bag just for Teddy.

But it was dark, it was hard to keep track,

and then you almost sat on them.

I couldn't tell which was which.

It was mayhem.

What did you do to the marshmallows,

Alan?

Alan? What did you do?

Well, isn't it obvious?

I spiked them with muscle relaxers.

And, plus, my ADHD medication.

- What?!

- You drugged us again?!

Not you. I just wanted to knock out Teddy

so we could enjoy the weekend.

"Enjoy the weekend"'? Alan, you told me

that you didn't do anything.

Alan, you swore to God.

I just wanted things to stay the same.

Look at my face!

You ruined my life!

You're not my friend.

Don't say that, Phil. Are you serious?

Even in America?

- Yes!

Don't start crying, Alan.

You're the bearded devil!

You liked it. You smiled at me when

I held up the marshmallows.

Because I like marshmallows,

you f***ing psycho!

Hey! Whoa, whoa, hold on! Stop!

- Guys, guys. Enough.

- Why?!

Why, Alan? s Why?!

Because we're the three best friends,

remember?

Remember?

Stu, that's enough. That's enough.

F***.

Guys, we can't fall apart now.

We gotta stick together.

- Alan, what's that written on your belly?

- What? Huh?

"Lebua Hotel. Saturday, 6 p.m."

Did you write that?

No.

Sh*t, that's in 20 minutes.

What about England?

Are we friends there?

I told you,

it was in the heat of the moment.

We're still friends, all over the world.

- Even Great Britain?

- Yeah. Mm-hm.

Well, what about you, Stu?

We'll see.

Gentlemen, follow me.

All right.

MAN:

Here you go.

KINGSLEY:

Well.

It's about time. Sit down.

- Come on, sit, sit, sit.

- Okay.

Wow, you guys look like sh*t.

PHIL:
Uh, do we know you?

- Hey.

Take off your f***ing hat.

You're in a restaurant, for chrissake.

Okay, listen. Uh,

we have no clue what's going on here.

You know, they sell a plum whiskey here.

It's f***ing unreal.

Seriously, it will absolutely f*** you up.

Oh, I'm sorry, you guys already

got f***ed up, didn't you?

Uh, listen. I'm a little confused.

How did you...?

Yeah, you know what?

I'm a little f***ing confused.

Where's Chow?!

Where is Chow with the f***ing account

code and the f***ing password?!

We don't know anything about any codes.

We're just trying to find our friend.

- Teddy.

- Yes. Teddy.

Have you seen him?

Come here.

Hmm. Let's see. Oh.

There's Teddy.

PHIL:
Holy sh*t. it's from last night.

STU:
Hmm.

Who are you?

I'm a businessman...

and I have invested a large chunk

of capital in your friend Chow.

And in return, he was supposed

to transfer our profits electronically...

about five f***ing minutes ago.

So last night,

we took Teddy as insurance.

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

Oh, my God. I wasn't done talking.

You tell Chow...

that we are having breakfast on the roof

of this hotel tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.

Now, if he makes the transfer,

you will get Teddy.

If not, well, then, hey, you know?

It's Bangkok.

That's your cue to get the f***

out of here.

Hey, you know what? Leave the hat.

Alan, leave the hat.

Attaboy.

We're f***ed. Chow's dead.

What do we do now?

The guy doesn't give a sh*t about Chow.

This whole thing's about a bank account.

Let's just go back to the hotel,

Search Chow's body.

And hopefully the password's

in his wallet or something.

STU:
What if it isn't?

I mean, they're gonna kill Teddy.

Just relax. We have until 8 a.m.

tomorrow to figure it out.

First the monkey, now my hat.

How much worse can this day get?

Jesus Christ.

Well, we're living here in Alantown

And he's driven our lives into the ground

When we woke up

We were wasted and drunk

Phil got shot

We got beaten by a monk

I was happy, and my life was good

Getting married like a dentist should

Roasting marshmallows on a stick

I got f***ed in the ass

By a girl with a dick

I remember that.

And we 're living here in Alantown

STU:

There's water everywhere.

Yeah, that's because it melted, Stu.

The f***ing power's out.

"With an inadequate electrical grid

serving millions of people...

Bangkok experiences

1500 power outages per year."

PHIL:

Seriously, Alan, that's enough.

Out of the way.

We got it.

ALAN:

Ghost! There's a ghost!

CHOW:

Motherf***er!

Chow, calm down! Chow, calm down!

- F***ing kill on me!

- No, no, no. Ah.

It's okay.

Relax.

PHIL:
Shh.

CHOW:
Shh.

That's it. it's just us. Breathe.

- Chow so cold.

PHIL:
I'm gonna warm you up.

Chow so cold. Chow so cold.

You did good, buddy. You did good.

Chow did good.

PHIL:

Feeling better?

You all right? You warm enough?

I don't know.

Come feel my balls and tell me.

I've been locked

in a f***ing ice box all day.

Hey, Alan, you want my awesome

sunglasses, you just ask Chow.

You don't have to kill me.

Chow, nobody killed you. You were

already dead. You didn't have a pulse.

Oh, you never do blow before?

Sometime your heart stop, start up again.

Read a book.

Look, I'm sorry.

We're just having a bad day.

Oh, you having a bad day? Did you die?

I got shot.

But did you die?

Chow, some guy told us that

you've got a bank code or something...

and if we don't bring it to him first thing

in the morning, he's gonna kill Teddy.

Who, Kingsley? Pfft. He harmless.

Don't worry. I got the bank codes.

Great. All right,

we gotta meet him at 8 a.m.

Who is that f***ing guy, anyway?

Invest in my business.

Yeah? What business is that?

It's called Not Your Business, okay?

So where's the monkey?

- The monkey?

- Yeah.

I stashed the account number

and password in his vest. Where is he?

- Why would you do that?

- Safekeeping, pretty boy.

I got a lot of heat on my ass.

I got FBI, Bangkok P.D.,

Interpol, MSNBC.

That monkey snorting coke

with me all night...

jerking me off while

I watch Stu f*** with ladyboy.

STU:
Ugh.

- He not going anywhere.

We don't have the monkey, Chow.

No, some Russian thugs

took him from us.

CHOW:

Oh, you f***ing guys.

Okay, no problem.

We just have to get him back.

- From where?

- Same place we took him from.

This monkey isn't just normal monkey.

CHOW:

Think of him like monkey drug mule.

He take coke to buyer...

and deliver cash to dealer.

He middleman.

Dealer never handle drug directly.

He clean.

That's terrible.

Not terrible. What you talking about?

It's f***ing genius.

You ever see monkey go to jail?

We just signal monkey for deal,

he come close...

we take his vest and that's that.

Maybe get some blow too.

You know, just bump.

No. No more bumps, Chow.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

Stu, Mr. Chow can't whistle.

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