Hangover Part 2, The Page #7

---

Signal monkey.

- All right, here we go.

- Come on.

How'd we wind up with the monkey

last night?

Well, I needed some blow and

Alan thought he was cute, so we stole him.

So stupid.

Stu, ready to grab vest?

I... Okay. I just grab it?

- Yeah, just do it, Stu. Just do it.

- Hey, monkey!

PHIL:
Alan, shh.

- F***!

CHOW:
We gotta go right now.

Pull that f***ing monkey in!

I'm trying!

Aah! F***!

CHOW:

Get that monkey in here, Stu!

He won't let go!

Stu, get back in the car right now!

STU:

I'm trying! Slow down!

He's so strong!

Let go, you f***ing monkey!

- Look out!

- Aah!

CHOW:

Oh, sh*t. Tight squeeze.

I got him! I got him!

- Where's the code, Chow?

- Check his little vest.

- You got it, Alan?

- Yeah, I got it, Phil.

- Slow down, slow down, Chow!

- Hold on, gay boys!

- Holy sh*t!

- F***.

Don't worry, I got this sh*t.

Pig!

Oh, my word!

Ha, ha. Sorry, Stu. My bad.

Oh, sh*t.

Get down!

What the f***?!

Oh, no! They shot the monkey!

They shot the monkey!

I'm at my wits' end!

He's coming back around.

Look out!

- Holy f***.

- Oh, no.

PHIL:
Everybody all right?

ALAN:
Yeah.

Whoo! I have such an erection right now.

STU:

Are you for real?

ALAN:

Shh.

It's okay. it's okay. it's okay.

It's okay.

They're gonna take good care

of you here, okay?

What's that?

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Cigarettes, got them right here.

Here you go.

There you go.

Deep breath.

Good. Good.

Smoke it in.

Breathe the smoke

into your tiny little lungs.

There you go.

It's funny. I've never been

much of a smoker...

but, boy, does it look cool on you.

PHIL:

Alan! Come on, let's go!

I'm gonna miss you, monkey.

I wish monkeys could Skype.

Maybe one day.

PHIL:
Come on, get in.

ALAN:
Scoot over.

- Oh, we gotta go see Kingsley.

PHIL:
He's gonna be fine.

[SINGING JIM CROCE'S

"TIME IN A BOTTLE"]

If I could save time in a bottle

The first thing that I'd like to do

Is to save every day

Till eternity passes away

Just to spend them with you

Are you guys seriously this calm?

Relax, Stuart. It's classic switcheroo.

I give him money, he gives us Teddy.

Ever do anything that doesn't

end up in a standoff?

I'm an international criminal.

It always ends like this.

I met my wife at one of these things.

You have a wife?

Yeah. We married 15 years.

What, Chow not good-looking enough

for woman?

No, that's cool.

- Let's do this.

- Welcome to the Tower Club.

Blah, blah, blah. Who cares?

PHIL:
it's okay.

CHOW:
Stop. Chow crossing.

Hey, Kingsley.

- Well, well.

CHOW:
Propecia looking nice.

Whew, you been hitting the gym?

Yes, I am, actually.

Thank you for noticing, Chow.

Hey, guys, have a seat.

Where's Teddy?

He's waiting downstairs in my car.

We'll send him up...

when the transfer is complete.

CHOW:
Tell you what:

Give me extra 50 grand, you keep Teddy.

And I throw in this other fat f*** for free.

[KINGSLEY, CHOW

AND ALAN LAUGHING]

Oh, jeez. Chow.

Can we move this along?

Alan, account number?

Come On, Come On, Come On.

Uh, eight-one-four...

K, as in "knife"...

two-three-nine-eight.

Password?

"Baloney1

Your password is "baloney1"?

It used to be just "baloney."

Now they make you add number.

Really f***ing annoying. Okay.

- And it's that easy.

CHOW:
Ta-da.

Oh, look, you sunk my battleship.

Great. Now can we please have Teddy?

Uh, yeah. Bring him up.

BODYGUARD:

Good to go.

CHOW:
Ha, ha. See? We go to your

wedding, we have fun, I bust a nut.

PHIL:

We did it, Stu. it's over.

OFFICER:
This is Bangkok Police.

Everybody down.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING

AND SPEAKING IN THAI]

CHOW:

No! Kingsley, you're f***ing 5-0?

Gotcha, Leslie.

Get him out of here.

Go. Good, good! We're good!

CHOW:

How the f***...?!

Samir?

You f***ed me over 6 grand?

You camel jockey.

You spit to me?

You spit to me?

Hey, 6 grand this time, 8 grand last time.

It's not the money, man.

It's the principle.

Principle? Nigga, please.

We both dead inside.

You call me nigga?

Huh? Don't call me nigga.

CHOW:
Toodleoo, motherf***er!

- Called me nigga. Racist a**hole, man.

KINGSLEY:
You guys okay?

- What the f***'s going on?

Detective Inspector Peters, Interpol.

- You're a cop?

- Yes.

This sting operation's been in place

for weeks.

When Samir told us

that your friend was lost...

we took advantage of that information.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, no.

- So can Teddy come out of the car now?

- No, Alan, Teddy's not in the f***ing car.

They don't have him.

They never had him.

They just needed us to bring them Chow.

They used Teddy as bait.

Do you have any leads at all?

No. We've checked everywhere,

no one has seen him. I'm sorry.

If you haven't found him by now...

I'm afraid Bangkok has him.

Why do people keep saying that?

Stu...

it's time.

Phil.

I'm sorry.

Don't say that. Please.

No, this time we really f***ed up.

Oh, God. How bad?

Like no wedding bad?

Yeah.

Little worse than that.

I don't know what to tell you.

Okay, how about this?

He fell off the fishing boat and drowned.

No.

Okay, I got it.

Teddy was hit by a truck.

- Alan.

- Not a good time, Phil. Kind of busy.

How many people get run over here?

Ugh. Over 1200 a year, Phil.

Perfect.

His body was too mangled to recover.

Case closed.

Can I have more ice, please?

I'm not gonna lie to Lauren.

Stu, do you want this or not?

Look at what I've done, Phil.

What I do.

I have a weakness for prostitutes.

All kinds, apparently.

I have a demon in me.

So what?

Teddy's gone, but I can still save Lauren.

I'll just let her live her life without me.

Stu.

I want you to call Doug and tell him

I'm never coming back.

I'm getting off the hamster wheel.

I'm gonna stay here in Bangkok.

I think I belong here.

Open up a little dentist office.

Teeth cleanings with a happy ending.

You sure about this?

Hey! What the crud?

Power's out, Alan.

- Doug.

I need answers, man.

- I know, um ...

- Doug, who are you talking to?

- Give me the phone.

- No, that's a private...

- Lauren?

Phil? Tell me what's going on right now.

PHIL:

We lost your little brother.

LAUREN:

What?

PHIL:

Bangkok has him now.

PHIL:

We gotta take the stairs.

You're in Bangkok?

STU:

Ew! That's a finger!

Put Stu on the phone.

ALAN:
"Bangkok experiences

1500 power outages per year."

PHIL:
Stu really just doesn't wanna

talk to anybody.

STU:
Water.

PHIL:
Power's out.

CHOW:
Come on, Stewie.

Use that big Jewish brain.

PHIL:

He's just not up for it ...

- Phil? Phil. Phil, give me the phone.

PHIL:
it's Lauren.

- I know. I need to talk to her.

- I'm handling this. I'll handle this, Stu!

- You're gonna break her heart!

- Hey, sweetheart, it's me.

I'm so sorry!

Stu? What the hell is going on?

What does he mean, you lost Teddy?

STU:

What? ls that what Phil said?

No, no, no. We misplaced Teddy.

But we're all good now. We're headed back

to the resort. See you soon.

I love you so much.

And I gotta go, but I'll see you soon. Bye.

Stu!

- Stu...!

ALAN:
Ah!

Taxi! Taxi!

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote