Hannah Montana: One in a Million Page #6

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We used to play checkers

and he would be like,

''King me, baby, uh-huh.'' So l started

calling him The King. True story.

Now, Ruthie, there's no need

to get your granny panti in a twist.

Why don't you come on over here,

l'll give yours a twist.

Your family's better than cable.

Pull your claws in, Miss Kitty.

l'm just here to celebrate

my goddaughter's big night.

And l am here to celebrate

my granddaughter's big night.

That is my granddaughter,

my kinfolk, a blood relation.

l'm just gonna get my purse.

l'm gonna take you to find

something beautiful for your show.

Oh, how sweet. Don't worry, darlin',

l'll take you shopping later

and l'll buy you something

you'll actually want to be seen in.

(boy) Rico's public accs commercial,

take one.

And action!

Hey-o. My name is Rico.

And this is Rico's.

Do you like hot dogs?

We've got hot dogs.

- Do you like...?

- Cut! Cut!

OK, maybe l was a little nervous.

lt was my first take. l'll loosen up.

Just give me a minute.

Hey-o, l'm Rico! Hey-o, l'm Rico!

OK, l'm good.

Rico's public accs commercial,

take two. And action!

- Hey-o. My name is Rico. And...

- Cut! Cut! (clears throat)

Stupid. Stupid.

No, you're not stupid.

You just can't act.

Face it, Rico. We need a better Rico.

Fine. Who's first?

(all) Hey-o. Hey-o. Hey-o.

# Yeah, yeah #

OK, open your ey.

Wow, your mamaw

has better taste than l thought.

Aunt Dolly bought me this.

Mamaw bought me this.

Yeow!

Wait for it.

Yeow with lights!

l thought having both here

would make this night perfect,

but now l just can't wait for it

to be over. What am l gonna do?

Well, too bad you can't just

put them in front of a mirror

and show them how ridiculous they look.

Wait a minute.

l got an idea.

OK, that was weird.

- E-7.

- Miss. Again.

- A-2.

- Hit. Again.

Dang it, woman, l'm your son.

Don't that account for anything?

No.

Excuse me, uh, l'm a little hungry,

but l was just wondering if

l should eat this apple ''before'' lunch?

- B-4?

- Hit.

- A-3.

- Miss.

Excuse me, could you tell me

where l might find a napkin,

'cause l don't ''see one.''

All right, l will tell you what l see.

The woman who put the old

in the Grand Ole Opry.

- You sank my submarine.

- He did that.

For crying out loud,

he couldn't beat me at tiddlywinks.

Let that live forever!

(Lilly) Don't you walk away from me, you

shrink-wrapped, rhintone hillbilly!

Let it go, you sour old prune!

You are just mad 'cause Elvis chose me.

He didn't choose you, you stole him, you

big-haired, two-timing yackity-yodeler!

Well, l'd rather have big hair

than a double-wide backside.

Well, at least l don't have a

triple-wide ego and a mouth to match.

Ladi, please, you're ''all shook up.''

''Don't be cruel.''

You got to take all that anger

and... mmmm...

''return to sender,'' baby.

Elvis, didn't you love me the most?

Pretty mamas,

when it com down to it,

l would've traded you for a

fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.

So you mean to tell me we've been

fighting all the years for nothing?

Uh-huh-huh.

And forgetting

that we both married wonderful men?

Uh-huh.

And we should just stop arguing

and celebrate Miley's big night?

Yeah-yeah.

l believe it's your turn now, ladi.

Well, don't that beat all.

Well, don't l feel foolish. How come

l never thought of ''yackity-yodeler''?

That one's a keeper.

l'm gonna do you a favor. l'm gonna

pretend like l didn't hear that.

Oh, like you've been pretending

for the past 30 years

that that's your real hair?

You wanna dance, Mamaw?

Well, bring on the music!

Bring it on, Blondie!

(martial arts yells)

OK, stop it!

l love you both, but l gus you

don't love me enough to stop this.

And if this is how you're gonna act,

l don't want either of you guys

there tonight.

ln fact, why don't you both

just... just go home?

# Whoa, whoa, whoa #

# Whoa, whoa #

Sweetie, could we talk

to you for just a minute?

Why?

Well, because you really

are important to us, angel.

And if you'll let us come to

the awards show, we promise to behave.

- We really will.

- Why believe anything y'all say?

Well, we'll prove it to you.

Ruthie, do this outtit

make me look trampy?

(stammers) No, not at all.

- Wait a minute. l can do better.

- Mamaw, it's OK.

You're trying.

That is all l've ever wanted.

- So we can come?

- lt would mean the world to us.

Fine, but l'm picking out my own outtit.

(both) But... OK.

Hey-o! My name is Rico.

And this is (rolls ''r'') Rico's.

Do you like hot dogs? Well,

we've got the bt hot dogs in town.

- Perfect! He's great!

- l'm not feeling it.

He don't have the right look.

Are you kidding?

He could be your brother!

l am his brother.

Now that's a Rico!

ln what world?

Let's just see what he's got.

Whenever you're ready, beautiful.

lt's like looking in a mirror.

(high-pitched voice)

Hey-o, my name's Rico.

OK, l know how to fix this.

l'm Rico. And l'll

be waiting for you. Hey-o!

(all sigh)

l am ashamed to be a part of this.

Nothing sells hot dogs

like some sweet relish.

# Ooh, ooh, whoa #

OK, Daddy, now remember

when you introduce me,

it is not about you.

You get on and get right back off.

Just for that, l'm gonna tell them how

you used to put that diaper on your head

and run around the house. ''Captain

Diaperhead.'' They're gonna love that.

That is exactly why l brought pictur

of you in your chubby years.

Fine. Captain Diaperhead triumphs again.

(man) Now prenting the award

for Female Artist of the Year,

award-winning singer

and songwriter, Robby Ray.

- (cheering)

- Take your seats now.

No, l'm fine right here.

l want to be the first one to hug you

when you come off the stage.

l wanted to be the only one

wearing pink, so it looks like

we're both gonna be disappointed.

- Well, we'll hug her together.

- What a nice idea.

l'm watching you.

Fifteen years ago, l was lucky enough

to win Artist of the Year,

and tonight it is my honor

to prent this to my own daughter.

Ladi and gentlemen,

give it up for Miss Hannah Montana!

- (cheering)

- Thanks, Daddy.

l couldn't have asked

for a better introduction.

l have to say that, he's my ride home.

You know, that girl

has such a wonderful sense of humor.

She got that from my side of the family.

Oh, really? l always thought

she learned how to get a chuckle

out of an audience

from watching me on stage.

Watching me on stage.

Me, me, me, me, me.

This is such an incredible honor,

and getting it from my dad

mak it all the more special.

(cheering)

You know, actually l never really

thought you were all that funny.

Well, Elvis thought

l had a wonderful comic mind.

Oh, l know what Elvis

was thinking about and, honey,

it had nothing to do with your mind.

- You take that back.

- You make me.

And what mak this night perfect

is l can share it

with the two women who've

inspired me with their character,

- strength and of course...

- (Mamaw) Man stealer!

(Dolly) Sore loser!

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