Hansel & Gretel Get Baked Page #4

You can never tell if those b*tches

are home just by looking at the house.

Yeah.

Okay.

Listen, to me, huh.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go knock on the front door

Pretending like I'm gonna

buy some weed.

While you do the b&e action in the back.

Okay, and if she's not there?

Then I'll join you in the back

and we'll break in together.

Cool.

Oh, uh...

I must have the wrong address.

Were you looking for someone older?

Yeah, does she live here?

Did someone, umm...

Did someone tell you to

Ask her a little sweet little old lady?

Yeah, he said.

Ah.

Honestly!

Once you're a day over 40 they think

you got one foot already in the grave.

Uh, you know I used to think

that way, too.

Until I dated my last boyfriend.

And he was, like, 42,

and I was like "dude,

"you way too old for me"

But, then he, like,

bought me all these fly

Clothes and took me to really

fancy places like

The cheesecake factory...

And then I realized I could totally be

into older guys.

As long as they can still get it up.

You know what I mean?

Cause if you ain't getting dick,

you ain't getting nothing.

You know what I mean?

Would you like to come in

for some tea?

And by tea I mean

Would you like to come in

for some weed?

Hell, yeah.

Come on in.

Oh, that smells so good.

I hope you like it.

It's my very, very special blend.

Oh!

Hey, you have pretty skin.

Yummy, yummy, delicious hair.

You like it?

Oh, my cousin rosa...

The one who does hair,

not the one in jail.

She makes her own

special hot oil blend

And sells it online.

I could totally hook you up

if you'd like.

I like.

I like very much.

Cool.

You gonna have some of this?

I think, I want some.

Oh, I'm gonna have some.

Is it hot in here?

Or is it just the weed?

That's a very pretty brassiere.

Where did you get it?

Oh, you're gonna love this story.

Okay, Gretel, you can do this.

What is this place?

Hey.

Someone out there?

Is that you, ash?

Ash?

No, I'm octavio.

Octavio, is ash with you?

No, it's just me.

And I came here with two other guys.

Where are they?

I don't know, probably dead.

This b*tch, is gonna kill us all.

F***.

F***, you're dead,

I'm dead...

Dude, pull your sh*t together,

so I can help you.

Where are you?

She got me locked up in a damn cage.

Where? Which path did you take?

I don't remember.

They all look the same.

You're not very helpful, are you?

Maybe if I whistle,

You can follow the sound.

And then she opens the door for me,

And tells me to come back real soon.

Little did that b*tch know,

I had his one and two others

just like it up in my bag.

Holla!

You smell delicious.

Vanilla.

Yeah, good nose.

Octavio?

Yeah?

I need you, to keep whistling or something,

so I can find you.

I'm sorry, my mouth is dry.

Did I tell you, I can read palms?

Really?

Yeah, my grandmother taught me.

This is your lifeline,

It says, your gonna live a long,

Long,

Long,

Jesus!

Oh, what?

I never seen a lifeline like this before.

Enough about my life.

Let's talk about your life.

Where's the key?

You don't have them?

You didn't say anything about keys.

She keeps them on the hook at the

bottom of the stairs.

The ones here?

The ones that lead up

to the main room.

Be right back.

Promise?

I promise.

Is this, is this your lifeline?

Uh-huh.

Agnes, what are you doing?

Tasting the merchandise.

Uh...

Well, I only...

Ever kiss, just so you know.

I find that, hard to believe.

With other chicks, I...

Me too, sweetie.

Oh, hell, no!

Oh, sh*t.

Gretel!

Bianca!

What the f***?

I thought, somebody was killing you.

Sh*t, I just killed that b*tch.

Sh*t.

Don't come any closer.

Don't tell me what to do, b*tch!

I just killed someone...

Really, you don't want to do this...

oh, my god!

What did I do?

I did what I had to do.

Come on!

Come on!

Carlos!

Bring her to me!

Gretel?

You home?

Please don't be home.

Oh, thank you.

Very thoughtful of you.

Oh, oh, no.

Oh.

Oh, sh*t.

A skittle.

"taste the rainbow."

Everything's gonna be okay.

It's gonna say, everything's

gonna be okay.

Gretel?

Gretel?

What do you know?

Ritter.

What?

Remember that girl from the other day?

Oh, what girl?

The one with the missing boyfriend.

Oh, yeah.

The cute little redhead.

Guess who just showed up

on the missing person report.

Her boyfriend?

The one and only.

Maybe, we should go check out her story.

That's a good idea.

Uh, where are you going?

Priorities, hart.

Priorities.

Get me one!

How did we get in here?

F***ing carlos nabbed me.

Don't know, what happened to you.

The plants, they...

They held me, trapped me.

This place is f***ing haunted.

Not haunted.

More like enchanted.

She's got to be some kind of witch.

Here, I thought, you were just,

These pissy little potheads.

Where's ashton?

He's kind of trying to help me

Turn back those nasty,

cruel hands of time.

What the hell, is she talking about?

Who knows?

She's always doing this crazy-ass talk.

That doesn't answer my question.

Well, it should.

What have you done with my ashton?

You sucked the life out of him?

His youth.

They just give me all my youth back.

Is he dead?

Duh.

Got to go.

Company.

Franz, take care of this.

Make sure they all feel nice

and warm and fuzzy.

Carlos?

giddy up.

Hansel?

What a great surprise.

I was under the impression

that you didn't partake.

I'm sorry, have we met?

Oh, my mother,

My mother has just said,

the most wonderful,

Wonderful things about you

and your lovely sister.

Oh, okay.

Is she home?

Uh, I need to apologize.

Apologize?

Yeah, for Gretel.

For harassing her.

My mother knew that,

she was just very concerned

About her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend's name is...

Ashton.

Ashton, yes that's right.

It's, it's no big deal.

Really though?

Because, I mean, I thought that,

She'd be kind of pissed off

after Gretel, like,

Stopped by again.

She did stop by again,

didn't she?

No, I haven't seen her,

since the other day.

Oh, okay.

I thought...

Thought what?

Well, something Gretel said,

Indicated to me, that she was

going to be

Stopping by again.

It's obviously mistaken.

come on, I would love

to make you some tea.

I'll make you some tea.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry.

you were just, um...

You... You're just so, like...

Awesomely beautiful.

I just wanted to capture

the moment, I guess.

"awesomely beautiful"?

Yeah, I mean, you have like perfect

Perfect cheekbones, perfect chin,

You know, perfect...

How sweet of you.

There's, there's got to be something

wrong with the camera or something.

I don't think, there is anything wrong

with the camera.

No, honestly, honestly...

Give it to me.

It just doesn't do you justice,

and I, uh...

Give it to me.

Uh...

Oh, the camera never lies, does it?

Carlos!

Bring him to me!

F***!

come on, you zombie a**hole!

Never send a zombie to do a woman's job.

Oh, f***ing crap.

You got to be kidding me.

Evening, ma'am, uh...

Oh, good god,

I'm not having a good night.

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