Happythankyoumoreplease Page #4

parent-teacher conferences

back in the day...

I was unstoppable.

- Little Sammy Wexler.

- I'll bet you were.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

It's okay to not

say anything, right?

I always want to...

I always want to talk.

I don't always have to be talking.

You gotta stop me

because I'm just gonna keep...

I'm just gonna keep going.

I don't know how those things...

Shh.

(laughing)

(both moaning)

This way. Come.

Wait wait, shh!

Listen, there might be

a small black child

sleeping on my couch,

so we have to be quiet.

Might?

There's definitely

a small black child

sleeping on my couch,

so we have to be quiet.

Okay.

Shh shh!

- Look look, it's my bedroom.

- Oh.

- How nice is it in here?

- Amazing.

- Hey.

- Hey. What?

- I'm not going to sleep with you.

- Sure you are.

- No, I can't.

- Come on, that's defeatist.

You can do anything

you set your mind to.

(laughing)

Ow!

- Shh!

- Ah.

- The children.

- Oh.

- Does he stay with you a lot?

- Well, occasionally.

You know, rough home life.

Sam, I'm serious.

I'm not going to sleep with you.

(groans)

Does this have something

to do with Jesus?

- Is that what this is?

- No.

- I made a New Year's resolution.

- To what?

To not be such a whore.

How's that been going for you?

Well...

- Come on.

- No no no no, I barely know you.

All I know is you've got all these

sort of idiotic theories, okay?

I'm not going to spend

the night with you.

Okay, fine. I don't...

I don't think you should spend

the night with me either.

You don't?

I think you should spend

the next three nights with me.

- What?

- I'm serious!

Stay with me.

Three days.

I've got an extra set of keys.

You come and go as you please.

I knew that last shot

was a bad idea.

What? Come on.

This will be awesome.

Look, I totally agree...

one-night stands are the worst.

So you want to have

a three-night stand?

Yeah.

What is this,

like your line or something?

No.

You've said that

to other girls before!

I've never even thought this before,

but it's totally genius, isn't it?

No, it's like the worst idea ever.

Hey hey hey, you stay here

for three days.

Who knows what could happen?

We sleep together once...

let's be honest,

the odds are I'm never

gonna call you.

You just said that out loud.

Come on. Come on!

- No way.

- Move in with me for three days.

My mother warned me

about guys like you.

Seriously.

It'll be an adventure, huh?

We'll cook.

We'll make

obscene amounts of love.

We'll play with the adorable kid

on the couch

out there in the living room.

Is this for real?

- Yeah.

- We just met.

- Isn't it going to be awkward?

- Yeah.

This is... you're not going

to want me here for three days.

Yes, I will. I do.

I wouldn't be asking you if I didn't.

Yeah, now you do

because you're drunk.

Are you going to be drunk

for three days?

- Possibly.

- You're crazy.

You're going to move in

with me for three days.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Making it official.

- Paperwork. Terms.

- (pen scratching)

Hey.

I don't get to weigh in

on the terms?

(pen scratching)

Okay, fine.

What are your terms?

If I'm going to stay here

with you for three days

I need you to be nice.

Okay.

But I'm going to need you

to be naked.

Sam...

I've been feeling

a little fragile these days.

I need you to be nice.

Okay.

Sign it.

#By the time you get

the postcard #

#I'll say I didn't mean

the things I said #

#The time you wanna

touch me #

#I'll say I didn't really read

the books I said I read #

#Go ahead, ring the doorbell,

I'll answer the door #

- # But what do you wanna talk... #

- (door slams)

#To me... #

- (Mary Catherine vomiting)

#40 hours ago

I was feelin' one way #

#Now I'm feeling another #

#Is there supposed to be

one thing to latch onto? #

#I'm feelin' echo and blue

silhouettes upon my shoe #

#Of the person

I once really knew... #

Hey.

We should do this again

sometime.

- You think?

- Yeah, like a lot.

Yeah, 'cause that always

works out great.

Come on.

Ira, why would I torture myself?

- Come here.

- I have to go.

You can be 45 seconds

late for work.

(sighs)

You're worried you're going

to get hurt, right?

But aren't we past all that?

We're great together.

We should just...

It's a bad idea.

Look...

I'm kind of seeing someone

which I...

I think makes this safe

because we can't get too into it,

which was the problem last time.

But we're not exclusive,

so you and I can still,

you know, whatever.

Ann.

(huffs)

Always making me the bad guy.

(sighs)

(crying)

5206?

Sam:
5208.

- Damn it.

- What?

I thought I had

another set of keys.

- Are you working tonight?

- I'm singing.

- Oh great. Where?

- I go on at 10:
00.

What time are you done?

Okay, great.

So, um, I gotta get some keys made

and I'll call you after.

- Bye.

- Bye.

(sighs)

Sam:
Hey.

- Did that girl leave?

- Yeah.

- Did she say anything?

- Nope.

You like French toast?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

All right, let's make some.

Come on.

We'll get all Kramer v. Kramer.

Hey.

You okay?

(voice breaks)

Yeah, totally.

Can I, uh... can I...

can I do anything for you?

(sniffles)

Nope.

- Weren't you wearing that yesterday?

- Please go away.

Sure, yeah.

(sniffles)

Ugh! He's a f***ing 29-year-old

12-year-old.

That's what he is.

That's all I meet.

If there's a 29-year-old 12-year-old

within 100' of me,

I will find that motherf***er

and I will sleep with him.

It's my one gift.

And they never call.

They just text... all of them!

"Hey, what's going on?

I haven't seen you in a while.

You wanna come over and f***?"

"Well, f*** you!"

(groans)

I'm so sick of optimism.

It's f***ing exhausting.

Listen.

Why do you give a sh*t

what people like Ira think of you?

Ira...

(spits)

You should give a sh*t

what people like me think of you.

And I think you're one of the greats.

I always have.

Everyone who loves you

thinks that, okay?

- Okay?

- I love you, Sam.

Are you listening to me?

I love you too.

- Now get out there and...

- Oh. And get 'em.

...philanthropic give.

That was an uplifting lunch hour.

We're dealing

with the kid thing tonight.

- This is getting ridiculous.

- Okay.

Hey, Ann.

You don't have to

keep it together all the time.

Yeah, the world will love a bald girl

who can't stop crying.

Bye.

You know, I'm not crazy

about that shirt.

- Why?

- I'm your boyfriend.

That makes me down.

I don't want to be down.

- It's not about you.

- Who else are you dating?

It's just nothing.

Who cares?

Yeah well, what about the one

that says "I love nerds"?

- I do love nerds.

- Well, it makes me feel weird.

Well, Chuck, if you find

the "My man's a hot stud" t-shirt,

Christmas is right around

the corner.

I just don't know what you're trying

to announce, that's all.

(Charlie laughs)

That's perfect.

Are you going to throw a jacket

down over that or what?

Grumpy.

Okay, this... awesome.

And you know the Clash?

Dude, you don't know

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