Heartbreakers Page #4

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Sue me?

My people will tear you a new...

I am only come

to see how you feel...

my poor, poor, Babushka.

That's very nice of you, Mrs...

Miss.

Just call me...

Ulga.

- Ulga?

- Mmm.

Well, that's lovely, Ulga.

Yes?

I am Ulga Yevanova.

I am here to...

Yes. We've been expecting you.

I am Miss Madress.

I run this household.

Oh, good for you.

I will announce you.

We have a b*tch alert.

Come on, bartender.

It's your night off.

Do something fun.

Good boy.

I love it here.

It's the only

bloody place left...

that doesn't make you feel

like a serial killer...

for having a damn smoke.

Yes, is lovely.

I'll be your waiter

tonight-Vladimir.

Allow me to tell you

tonight's specials.

No need for English

tonight, Vlad.

We have one of

your country women here.

Oh, wonderful.

So, tonight we have...

Da.

Da. Da.

Excellent choice.

The steak tartare.

Oh, I love a woman

who eats raw meat.

That's real nice!

You're not just going

to stand there.

Help me.

Please.

Isn't that the shoe you

wanted to jam up my ass?

No, that was the 6-inch heel.

Now come on.

What are you doing here?

Uh...working.

Working?

You some kind of wilderness

female mud wrestler?

I am an environmentalist

studying the effect...

of waste run of from

the neighboring wetlands.

Oh, well...

you environmentalists

really dress hot.

Yeah, well...

there's no law that says

you can't look good...

while you're saving stuff.

So, why are you following me?

- I'm not following you!

- Then what are you doing here?

Come on, I'll show you.

You're not out here burying

high-school kids, are you?

Well, they egged my car.

What do you do?

Spy on people humping in boats?

That's so perverted.

I photograph stars.

Look, just because

they're famous...

doesn't mean they don't deserve

their privacy, too.

Who you got?

The stars up there.

You sneak all the way out here

to stare at space and sh*t?

No, I come here to get away

from the lights of the city...

so I can see

the space and sh*t.

- Why?

- Take a look.

Jesus.

That's the Crab Nebula.

That is the exact color

of a sapphire ring I wanted.

OK.

And this...

is the great

globular cluster in Hercules.

I don't think

I want to see that.

Wow.

Good cluster.

And I think you can also see

the Corona Borealis, too.

Wait, wait, I'm not done

with the globular thing.

OK...

I love to watch a woman eat.

It is surely one of

the most sensual acts.

Is such joy to hear

my native tongue again.

I deeply appreciate

what you say, and...

what you don't say.

Oh, William,

so much loudness.

Can we not go somewhere

I can relate to you...

orally.

All right.

Who will favor us

with next song?

We have a fellow

country woman here.

No, I am so...

Please, I am so not musical.

- Please, uh...

- How about "Karabuschka?"

I know there isn't

a Russian alive...

who doesn't know "Karabuschka!"

Karabuschka

Da, da, da

Moscow

Leningrad

Minsk...

Oh, you know,

I am just fooling.

I am so full

of good humor.

Flew in from

Miami Beach B.O.A.C.

Didn't get to bed last night

On the way the paper bag

was on my knee

Man, I had a dread ful flight

I'm back in the U.S.S.R.

You don't know

how lucky you are, boy

Back in the U.S.S.R.

Been away so long

I hardly knew the place

Gee, it's good to be back home

Leave it till tomorrow

to unpack my case

Honey, disconnect the phone

I'm back in the U.S.S.R.

You don't know

how lucky you are, boy

Back in the U.S.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

Look, there's another one.

Oh, there's two at once.

Did you see that?

Yeah.

God, I never knew you could

have this much fun for free.

Well, it's not completely free.

So, are you ready

to tell me the truth?

What?

Tell me why

you're here, really.

I told you,

I'm an environmentalist...

student at

the University of Miami.

What? You don't believe me?

Well, I'd like to, but...

What about my butt?

- Ooh, I got to go.

- Again?

- Yeah, I have work to do.

- It's 11:
00 at night.

I know, but I have to write

an environmental impact report.

Will it mention me?

- Wait! What's your name?

- Uh, Jane.

Will I see you again?

Try wishing on a star.

Is that 5 people?

Keys are in it.

Hey, Mom.

How did it go?

Perfect.

His infatuation

is right on schedule.

You know, you're home now.

You can stop

with the accent.

- What's that?

- What's what?

- Mud?

- I gave myself a facial...

some special local stuff.

I think I'll to take a nice

long shower and go to bed.

Good night.

Smoking is part of

the fun of being a kid.

We just did some tests

on some 9-year-olds.

After a little puking...

why, you couldn't drag them

away from the stuff.

You're only young once.

Why not indulge, I always say.

Oh, darling, what matter?

Head pain back again?

No, no, it's all right.

- I have a gift for you.

- A gift?

A gift! Oh!

Oh, a personal fire device.

I'm not insisting

you take up smoking...

but I thought it would

give you some incentive.

There is nothing sexier

than smoke billowing proudly...

out of a woman's hot,

red, engorged nostrils.

That image will haunt me.

Still a little sleepy, my dear?

Oh, no, no, it was

another wonderful night.

I think that I deserve

a big kiss for that big gift.

Oh, yes.

Is no getting

around that.

Oh, oh, no.

We mustn't.

God is everywhere.

Yes, he is, isn't he?

Nosy bastard.

I'll have Miss Madress

get your purse.

Is he that repulsive to you?

No. Is Russian

expression of happiness.

Ptui, ptui,

oh, I am so happy.

Save it.

I'm on to you.

You're attracted to me?

Oh, flattering,

but I no do females.

I've been with him for 7 years.

I've seen him with many women.

I've never worried.

Passing amusements.

But you, oh, you're good, baby.

I no understand.

What is you want?

I is want your ex-commie ass

out of his life.

I didn't put up

with his crap for years...

just to be squeezed out

right before he kicks.

I've put in the time,

and I expect a big payoff.

Oh, you must believe,

I have true feelings for him.

Oh, spare me

your Bolshevik bullshit.

Either you disappear...

or I tell him exactly

what I saw.

Your dark honesty

is refreshing...

but please, I beg you...

Leave me one more night

to bow out gracefully.

I have something for you.

I know it's not the sapphire

you wanted, but...

It sure isn't.

It's a meteor fragment.

Like the ones

we were watching?

That's been to the far reaches

of our solar system and back.

No lousy sapphire has

ever pulled that off.

You don't do anything

like normal people, do you?

Some things.

Kitchen's through there.

Master bedroom's upstairs.

Her room is down the hall.

You have 7 minutes.

Here you go.

The thing that's screwing us...

is all this secondhand

smoke nonsense.

They've convicted

the tobacco companies...

without a shred of evidence.

Hmm...is oddness.

What?

Costly lighter gift

you gave is missing.

Oh, you must have

left it somewhere.

Never. I cherish too much.

Perhaps...

No.

Is inconceivablish.

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