Heavyweights Page #5

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what the Perkis system means

in pure loss of poundage.

This is the moment

we've all been waiting for.

Phillip Rubinoff,

step up, son.

All right,

let's see how you're doing...

you little whippersnapper.

You're two pounds heavier

than when you came to camp...

but we can fix that.

All we have to do...

is decrease his food intake...

and increase

his metabolic output.

All right!

Step off the scale, son.

Muscle weighs more than fat!

All right! OK!

Gerald Garner.

Step on up, Gerald.

- Good luck.

- Go get 'em, Captain.

Hello, Gerald.

Moment of truth.

Hmm?

You've gained nine pounds.

Have you been cheating?

Turn off the camera.

Let me make something

very clear.

The Perkis system

does not work...

with cheaters

like Gerald Garner, OK?

How can I sell an infomercial

about fat kids...

who can't keep their

piggy little snouts shut?

Who's gonna buy that?

Step off the scale.

OK. Turn on the camera.

Josh Birnbaum, step on up!

Get on the scale, son!

All right!

- Get off the scale.

- OK, then.

Turn off the camera.

All right.

All right, fine.

I blame myself.

You know what?

I don't blame myself.

No, not this time, Tony.

Excuse me one second.

How you doin', little Tony?

Bad.

Why do you feel bad?

Because everything's

falling apart...

and I can't do anything

about it.

It's not your fault.

I know it's not my fault,

but whose fault is it...

if it's not my fault?

It's their fault.

That's right.

It's their fault!

You have failed,

and you will pay!

Tomorrow morning at 0600...

everyone who has not met

their weight loss goal...

will join me

on a 20-mile hike.

Pack light, boys.

The party's over.

Twenty miles? Tony!

Tony, sir,

with all due respect...

I don't think it's healthy

to subject the--

Healthy? Oh, healthy!

The fat man is gonna tell me

what's healthy!

I'm just saying that--

You just--You--I--

I think if--

To subject the kids--

Know what? It's funny.

Nobody really cares

what you have to say.

You're a negativity-spreader.

You're contaminating my well,

Finley...

and I won't have it.

Let's make the best

of this afternoon.

It's OK, man.

Forget it, Pat.

Hey.

They're having a barbecue

over at Camp MVP tonight.

Carolina ribs.

The pork, not the beef.

I wonder what it would feel like

to be one of those guys.

Just once I want to score

a winning touchdown.

In my entire life...

I've never scored a point

in anything.

Gerry.

I'm just so tired

of being the fat guy.

I know, Pat...

but you don't want to be

one of those guys.

They're jerks.

Forget them.

Yeah, forget them.

Yeah.

Forget you!

Keep your washboard stomachs

and your oily muscles!

I don't want them!

I'm still tired

of being the fat guy.

Come on, Pat.

You're cool.

Everybody knows that.

I feel cool.

Being humiliated by that psycho

today was pretty cool.

Oh, yeah.

I've been

a lot of help to you guys.

At least you stood up to him.

Nobody else had the guts to.

We should've backed you up.

When are we going to start

sticking up for ourselves?

Now, Gerry.

How about right now?

Yeah. Let's go get everybody

and kick his ass!

Yeah! Hold it. Whoa, whoa.

We got to be smart here.

There's some proper channels

to go through...

but you get those guys

through the hike tomorrow.

I'll do everything

I can back here.

You be the leader now, Captain.

He is one, we are many.

His days are numbered.

- He's not so tough.

- Yeah!

This is the day we separate

the men from the boys.

Hightail it back to camp, Lars.

It'll be a rough one.

I don't want to see any slackers

or hear any whiners.

There'll be no food.

This is a cleansing hike.

Just Father Sky, Mother Earth...

and your dear old Uncle Tony.

Use the swatting motion

as an isometric exercise.

My dogs are killing me.

Gosh, somebody

going to die today.

Call 911.

Did you ever hear

the story of Icarus...

who continually rolled

the ball up the hill?

But when he got too close...

the ball melted

in the heat of the sun.

You're all like Icarus.

Aah! Aah!

- Whoa!

- Aah!

Thank you, Gerry.

Uhh!

Get up, Cody.

Leave him.

He's a straggler.

Stragglers must be left

to fend for themselves.

I was.

Get up, Cody.

We need to go.

Did you talk to Child Welfare?

They'd be glad to

come out and investigate...

but they can't come

for two weeks.

That's too long.

What did your lawyer buddy say?

It's dicey. We don't

have any hard evidence.

Tony's the hard evidence.

Just look at him.

That's what the lawyer said.

- So we have nothing.

- Basically.

You guys seen Tony?

That moron owes me 600 bucks.

I'll kill that guy.

Busting my ass

around here for nothing.

Feel the chi.

Repulse the monkey.

Part the wild horse's mane.

I say we push him.

No jury in the world

could convict us.

Strike the chi.

No. Too messy.

We can do better.

Great.

You've all done

much better than expected...

so I've got

a little surprise for you.

I've decided to extend

the hike indefinitely.

- What?

- That's right.

You won't return to camp...

Until you're

in the leanest, meanest...

bestest shape

of your short lives...

with one goal in mind--

to defeat Camp MVP

in the Apache Relay.

Quite the ending to

a late-night infomercial, hmm?

We don't want to play MVP.

We want to have fun.

Yeah!

Cody wants to have fun.

All right, Cody,

let's have some fun.

Whee-ha!

- Oh, my--

- Whoa!

I'm on the top of the world!

Yeah!

How's this for fun, Cody?

Sam? Why don't you

come out and join me?

I'm on my way.

He's going to get us killed.

- We got to do something.

- Yeah, but what?

What's that? I missed it.

I was just saying

we need a little rest.

Good idea.

Let's take an hour

meditation break.

Then we're going to climb

that 1,000-foot rock face...

over there with

our bare hands and feet.

I know you can do it.

Until then, observe

the silence of the chi.

- Shoot.

- Let's do something.

I don't know.

Ohmmmm...

- You're lying.

- I don't believe in you.

You can't do it!

Hahh! Cripes.

What is all the commotion?

We realize we've been lazy,

and we want to change.

It's time we all got

our acts together, buddy.

Good! Good!

It's amazing what

a little food deprivation...

can do to adjust

your attitude, huh?

Can I ask you a question?

Go ahead, Roy. Ask away.

Is it possible to do a sit-up

if you can't see or hear?

Yes, Roy, it is possible.

Gerry says it's impossible.

Why don't we rock Gerry's world?

Come on.

Uncle Tony's going

to do a little demo.

There are so many myths

about the abdominal muscles.

I am happy to put

this one to rest.

See, Gerry? I told you.

Now, remember, Uncle Tony...

don't get up till

the count of three.

- I know the rules.

- OK, good.

All right, everyone.

Ready?

One, two, three!

Kiss my butt!

Oh, my! Oh, my! Haah!

Uhh! Uhh!

Pretty impressive stuff,

huh, Tony?

You disgust me.

Come here!

Come here!

Get out of my way!

What are we waiting for?

Come on!

Run, Josh!

Halt!

Run! Run! Go!

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