Hello Ladies: The Movie Page #6

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I could have lost my virginity to my

fake girlfriend when I was at college.

Hey, you could've finally

had that threesome you want

with your fake girlfriend and her roommate.

Oh, that would've been amazing.

I'm just about to be brilliant.

I'm...

I've figured out what you

should do with your life.

- What?

- You should go back to college.

What? No, I can't go back to college.

- I'm too old.

- No, you're never too old,

you know, there's mature students.

You go back, and I'll tell you,

you get a decent education,

the world's your oyster.

Can I just, like, go back?

No, it's too expensive.

Well, according to our little deal, I'm

already paying for your room and board,

so you don't gotta worry about that.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm going to college! Whoo!

And I'm paying for her accommodation.

I'll say the word, oh

Su-Su-Sussudio

- I'll say the word, oh

- Thank you.

Su-Su-Sussudio

I'll say the word, oh...

- Oh, well, this is me.

- Oh, nice place.

Thank you. I had fun.

We should do it again sometime.

Absolutely, but, uh, are you

gonna invite me in for a nightcap?

Oh, it's probably not a good idea.

My landlord is freakishly tall,

super creepy, and he's

kind of a dick, so...

Is he or did you eat all of

his chocolate-covered pretzels

and then not make any

effort to replace them?

No, he's just kind of a dick. Night.

How did you get in here?

- Well, good night.

- Good night. Yeah.

And thank you again for doing all that.

- Yeah, of course.

- I appreciate it.

It was fun.

- Thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Are you gonna leave

the glasses on for this?

- Yeah, I won't be able to see

anything otherwise. - Um...

actually, no, I think the

glasses should come off.

- Let's just... we'll just put these here.

- All right.

- Okay.

- Well, don't put them there

'cause we might roll

while... and crush them.

- Oh, okay, well...

- Thank you.

- Okay, happy?

- Good, I'm happy.

- Are you happy?

- Yup. Mm-hmm.

- Should I get a condom?

- Yeah.

Yeah? All right.

Jack be nimble... ah.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

I hit my toe on that.

- Are those lady weights?

- No, they're just regular.

Yup.

Bibbity-boppity... ah.

- Ooh.

- Forgot they were a pair.

Yup.

All right. Here we go, yeah.

- This is it.

- Hey there. All right.

- This is it.

- Okay.

All right. Here we go.

Can't...

Talk amongst yourself.

- All right, there... oh, there we are.

- There it is.

There it is.

Which...

Which side is it?

Ooh, put your glasses back on.

You look like a giant prawn.

A giant prawn? Is that your pillow talk?

All right. Let's get this on.

Whoa, whoa. Where... what is this condom?

- What language is this?

- It's Turkish.

- Well, where the hell did you

buy a Turkish condom? - Online.

- Why?

- Yeah, get them online.

- Oh, my God. Were they cheap?

- No, they weren't cheap.

- No, they weren't. 15 bucks for 80.

- Oh, my God, Stuart.

- What?

- We're not using a cheap Turkish condom.

Well, that sounds racist.

You really think the way to have sex

with me is by calling me a racist?

Sorry, but my conscience

doesn't take time off

just 'cause I've got an erection.

I would like an American condom, please.

Oh, for f***'s sake.

All right, what about this? Durex?

You had an American condom this whole time?

It's made in China. Do

we trust the Chinese?

We happy with those fellas?

- Oh, come on. Let's just...

- Okay.

- Oh, um, no.

- What?

- That's gonna stay on.

- No, the bra's gotta come off.

- What are you talking about?

- No, I just... I don't want you to, uh...

I don't want you to see

my b*obs. That's weird.

- What?

- You are my landlord.

It's just too intimate.

We're having sex.

Have you not noticed? It's

gonna get pretty intimate.

No, it's... no, that's a deal breaker.

That's crazy. I need

full access to the body.

I need to be able to run amuck on it.

Well, you're definitely

not "running amuck."

This is crazy. You're

a very demanding lover.

You can touch one and then I

will see how I feel about it.

- No. - Well, then I don't

know what this is, then.

- I don't... I'm...

- Stuart.

- I can't focus.

- Maybe this is a bad idea.

- No, this is a good idea.

- I'm losing my mojo.

- This is a good idea.

- No, I just...

Look at that. Isn't that nice?

Yeah, just, like, talk dirty or something.

- What do you want me to say?

- I don't know.

- Just be creative. - There's so many

rules prancing around this place.

Yeah, well, you're lucky to be here, pal.

So just give me some filth.

Okay, here it comes.

- This is it.

- Okay.

This is it. The dirty... the

dirty... is that what you wanted?

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- Yeah? You got it. You got it.

Ahem.

Ooh.

Ooh.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna do things to you

that your mother wouldn't approve of.

If she came in here now,

she'd be like, "Jessica,

what are you doing?

Get off that young man.

We're a God-fearing family.

- We don't approve"...

- Okay, can we not do Mom?

- Let's take away... yeah.

- You don't want the mother? Okay.

- I wanna... I wanna f***... can I say f***?

- Sure.

Yeah? I wanna f*** you

in the traditional manner.

But also... but take the penis...

- mine...

- Mm-hmm.

and just whack it against

the soles of your feet.

And then poke it in between the toes.

- No, no.

- Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo.

- Maybe not feet. Let's just...

- Okay, not feet.

- Come off of that.

- Bring it up... I'm bringing up the leg.

I'm gonna bring it higher onto the thigh.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Mr. Penis...

with a delivery for you...

of some delicious hot cock.

- You can't laugh.

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- I don't know what the rules are here.

Oh, Stuart.

Just kiss me and let's get this over with.

- "Get this over with"? Really?

- Yes. Mm-hmm.

Jessica. I mean, of course.

Right under your nose all along.

So romantic.

It's like "When Harry Met Sally."

Eh, more like "When

Harry Potter Met Sally."

So walk us through it.

What were you wearing?

- Well, I had a blue shirt...

- Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

I was making a kick-ass risotto

and you have to keep stirring.

- Ror, Stuart made love with Jessica.

- Uh-uh.

Well, actually, they rubbed

their clitorises together.

Wait, you slept with Jessica?

How could you do that?

- You know that her and I have a thing.

- What thing?

"What thing"? There's, like, sexual

tension every time we're in a room together.

You do know that sexual tension

is not just you being tense

in a room with someone?

Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, 'cause otherwise, I'd have

sexual tension with my father.

- Wow.

- So do you want to date her?

Do I want to date her?

- Great questions of wonder.

- Yeah.

You know, I haven't thought

that far ahead, really.

It was just the moment took

us, you know, and there was...

there was a passion,

certainly, in the boudoir.

- Hey.

- And we get on well, you know?

- You've seen that.

- It's so much sexual tension.

It's not just about sexual tension, though.

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