Hens Night Page #3

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What the f***, don't make this about me.

It is about you, it's

always been about you

our entire lives!

I'm f***ing sick of your

bullshit jealousy, okay?

It stops now, why do you

think I stopped talking

to you in the first place?

I don't know what a great guy like Tom

sees in a whore like you.

Whore.

That's nice and um, what does your fiance

see in you exactly?

He loves me the way

that you'll never know!

You'll never have what I have.

- I'm gonna go.

- Yeah.

Thank you so much for inviting me.

Where's she going?

Where are you going?

What the hell happened?

Family squabble.

Every f***ing time I leave the table.

That f***ing b*tch.

Where does she get the

nerve, this is your night.

It's okay.

[Laura] No it's not okay, selfish c*nt!

Please don't say that word.

I'm sorry, but I'm really pissed

and it seemed like the

only appropriate word.

I just, I have so little family left

that I thought if she

came it would be good.

I'm just so sick of tip toeing around her.

You're a good person,

much better than me.

You're not the problem here for once.

(laughs)

We've been through weirder

and worse sh*t together.

I say we fix up your make up,

hike up that skirt,

make yourself look good,

and let's celebrate your last

night of freedom in style.

- Alright.

- Let's go party and dance.

Knock me out

Before we go

Fill my glass, I'm on a roll

I'm on a roll

These times we have, they're justified

For just tonight

Draw a line down, say what I need

I wanna dance, cry, dance

I wanna dance, cry, dance

And forget the sh*t that I can't stand

I wanna leave it at the door

I wanna dance, cry, dance

I'm gonna do it 'til

the whole world ends

As all the tragedies

that I can't stand

Don't wanna face them any more

(gagging)

(coughing)

That tasted so much better going down.

Here you go.

Thank you.

How are you not sick, you

drank more than I did.

That's because you're a light weight.

I'm a f***ing drinking sensei.

I used to be a sensei.

You did used to be a sensei.

You were one of the best.

I'm sad.

You and your big, stupid, fat heart.

You care too much.

I care about you.

You better care about me.

I rent you a f***ing limo,

put up with your crazy cousin.

Mm-hm.

(easygoing music)

I love you.

I love you too.

(groaning)

Finally.

You gonna shut up now?

Not another peep.

How far are we?

I'm not even sure we're

going the right way.

We're going the right way.

You sure?

Yes I'm sure, trust me, I've

been here a million times.

[Kim] Not since puberty.

Less talking, more peeing.

No, what if I get pulled over?

Come on, Mrs. Paul, live on the edge.

No one patrols out here.

Stop being judgey.

You are such an old (mumbles).

Plus no one said you had

to drink the whole bottle.

I need the liquid courage.

[Kim] Then why are we even doing this?

Because we said we would.

That was before she

went all she-Hulk on you.

Doesn't that like void

any contract you may

have had with her?

Yeah, I'm with Kim on this one.

We already talked about this.

[Laura] Hi Jess, it's Laura.

Just wanted to say I had such a great time

last weekend and I hope you guys know that

you know next weekend we're gonna have

a super great time, don't bring anything.

I have everything prepared for us,

so I'll see you soon, bye.

Wow it's almost like nothing happened.

Because she's insane.

In the membrane.

Come on, you guys.

So do we have to stay the whole time

for you to make good on the pot and booze?

F*** that, I say she forks it over now.

We'll need it.

How bad could it be?

We put cucumber slices on

our eyes and mud on our face.

And we talk about our hopes and dreams

and then we have a tickle fight.

So down for a tickle fight.

(laughs)

No seriously guys I know

the way this is gonna end.

It always ends the same with Laura.

Can we have a sleepover at your house?

Okay sure I'll go ask my mom.

And just when we started

to have normal kid fun.

So how bad was your report card?

(scoffs) Bad.

- Mine was good.

- That's good Laura.

- I'm all...

- Here, all done Jessie.

Aw, thanks.

I'm going home!

[Jessie] No.

I said I'm going home!

(sighs)

I doubt she'll be calling her mom

to come pick her up tonight.

Well her mom's dead.

That'd be creepy.

If my zombie aunt shows up

at the cottage this weekend,

it'll be a success.

One weekend, how bad could it be?

[Kim] We need the

booze and drugs up front.

(eerie music)

(knocking)

Laura?

Laura?

[Woman] This place is kind of cute.

[Woman] (mumbles) is sh*t.

Laura?

(clunking)

Jess!

Hey.

So good to see you.

Is it?

Of course it is, I'm...

I'm just so thankful

that you know you came

and you brought your friends.

Well I brought Kim, so.

Well I'm sure she has a

few redeeming qualities.

Listen.

About last time...

Oh, let's not talk about it, Jess, okay.

I just wanna have a good time this weekend

and I'm really, really sorry.

Come on, I'm just happy that

my family is here with me.

Should we go in?

Yeah I really wanna see everyone.

Hi ladies.

Oh hi Laura, you two good?

Of course we're good.

We're good.

Okay I'm gonna make some drinks.

(ominous music)

This is a really nice cottage, Laura.

Do you stay here all summer?

Yeah, yeah, well

actually all year round.

You must have to commute

pretty far, what do you do?

Yeah, I don't have a job.

I have a lot of health problems.

My interstitial cystitis that's

what keeps me home mostly.

Huh?

It's a disease that causes discomfort

in and around the bladder.

I'm a nurse.

You're a nurse?

Wow, I would've liked to be a nurse.

So tell us about your

fiance, what's he like?

Oh he's cute, really funny, very nice.

He makes you feel comfortable right away.

Can't wait to meet him.

Oh I'm just a little sad though.

Yeah, like we won't be able

to have our first dance

for awhile, he had this accident

and he broke both his knees.

Holy sh*t, Laura, that's like

a long, long recovery time.

I know and that's what I told him.

But he loves me and he just

wants to get married right away.

Wow.

Yeah, he loves me a lot.

Yeah, it sounds like it.

You know, this knee thing,

could really ruin your sex life.

[Woman] Kim!

What, it's true.

I mean there's not much that you can do

with a guy with broken knees

like blowj*bs or hand

jobs, but that's about it.

I like blowj*bs.

Cheers.

So, um...

This wedding tomorrow, you

gonna have an open bar?

Hm?

Your wedding tomorrow.

Oh yeah, there'll be drinks.

Awesome 'cause I know someone

who's cheaping out on us.

I'm sorry, weddings are expensive.

Don't worry, it's my

job as maid of honor

to make sure that you have a

drink in your hand all night.

So I'll bring my own supply.

Kim's your maid of honor?

Yeah, we've been friends

since we were little.

You know this.

No, that makes sense.

I mean she's almost like family.

I'm gonna go get the food.

(eerie music)

(gasps)

Wow, you guys didn't

have to do this for me.

It's so nice.

Of course we did.

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