Hens Night Page #4

---

Every girl who gets married

has to get some sort

of special gifts.

See, what if I never get married?

You know I never get one

of those good for you

for being awesome and single gifts.

Consider this a gift.

No but seriously, I

spend thousands of dollars

every year on weddings, baby showers,

birthdays and a whole pile of other sh*t.

You know, what if I never do that stuff?

You know, who's gonna spend

thousands of dollars on me?

What do I get?

Peace and quiet?

Nice.

There's no way you've

ever been to a baby shower.

Yes I have.

I love those little church lady

sandwiches, they're delicious.

Okay, time to open presents.

This one is from Sarah and I.

Is this a dildo?

Yeah, every girl's best friend.

Even you?

Especially me.

Whoa I've never had one of these.

It works the same way

as the regular kind.

Just no emotions or sweat.

And tears, oh my god, that reminds me,

Roger came to work on Monday

and he was bitching at me

about how I humiliated him.

I had to call security and

then he never came back.

So you got him fired?

I'm pretty sure he got himself fired.

Wow, thanks you guys, thanks.

This will come in really handy, you know,

while Peter's knees heal.

[Kim] That one's mine.

Thanks Kim.

Oh, thanks.

So much.

What is this?

(giggles)

[Woman] It's a gag ball.

What do I use it for?

That's to keep yourself

and your man quiet

in case you wanna get a little rough.

Hmm, thanks.

Kind of scared to open the next gift.

No it's okay, just open it.

What's this for?

Oh it's just a silly

little bachelorette tiara.

- Aw, thanks.

- There's more.

Wow, it's really,

really pretty, I love it.

Good, I had to kind of guess your size,

so I hope it fits.

Aw, thank you, thank

you guys all so much.

Do you not like your food?

You haven't touched anything.

No, I'm not super hungry right now.

Oh, how about we put on our PJs?

I'm gonna go try on my new nightgown.

Someone can change in there.

Well this isn't so bad.

(ominous music)

(gagging)

(gentle music)

(coughing)

Thanks.

I just want you to

know how grateful I am.

I just really wanted to be

here for your special day.

It's gonna be the most

special day ever, you'll see.

Cheers.

You feeling okay?

This weekend is so f***ed up.

Yep.

She seems like she's trying.

I know, it's creeping me the f*** out.

It's unnatural behavior for her.

Maybe me losing it on her

had some kind of effect.

[Kim] I am so sad I missed that.

It wasn't pretty.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

(eerie rock music)

(crunching)

(clunking)

(footsteps crunching)

(crickets chirping)

(groaning)

(ominous music)

(garbling)

Hey ladies.

(shrieking)

Oh hush, calm down.

You'll only hurt yourselves.

Oh Kim.

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim!

Sucks to have no control, doesn't it?

Well no need to worry,

I'm not gonna hurt you.

(plate clunking)

(shrieking)

I just wanna have a

little fun, that's all.

I thought we could play this

Hens Night game of yours.

New jar, new tasks.

There's a special one

for you in there, Kim.

You know, not only did you

completely humiliate me,

you treated me as if I was disposable.

Yes, you did.

And the rest of you, you

just laughed at my expense.

Oh, oh, and then I got fired when I tried

to approach you about it!

You basically ruined my life.

You turned me into the

punchline of every f***ing joke

that comes out of your mouths.

Do you know why I cried that night?

Kim knows.

I cried because I was a married man

and I knew the second I had sex with Kim,

I had lost my wife forever.

It wasn't even worth it!

You were not worth it!

Yeah, she left those

details out, didn't she?

(clunking)

(shrieking)

Pay back!

I want to humiliate you for

every joke at my expense,

every eye roll in my direction.

I hope that after tonight,

you guys can never look

at each other the same way again.

But hey, at least none of

you have to sleep with Kim.

You're first, bachelorette.

Relax.

I'm gonna untie you.

Don't do anything stupid

and everything will be fine,

you hear me?

(whimpering)

What are you doing?

(Roger shouting)

What the f***?

What the f***?

Be quiet!

Thank god.

Are you okay?

Laura?

Holy sh*t.

It's okay, Laura, you had to.

I knew I had to do that, but holy sh*t!

What a rush.

Listen, I know Roger is a psycho, but...

Shut your f***ing mouth, whore!

What the f*** is your problem, untie us.

Sorry, can't.

Laura, it's not funny, untie us.

Okay, so you are never gonna believe...

Okay stop talking and

f***ing untie us now!

What the f***!

She's fine, she's fine.

She's just fine.

Psycho b*tch.

Are you guys dumb?

Can you just shut your

frigging traps and cooperate?

And you won't get hurt like Roger.

Right Roger?

He was here to help me drug you guys

and you know do the heavy lifting

and boy some of you were really heavy.

Funny you didn't know about this.

Are you kidding me?

You're f***ing insane.

If you're not quiet, I'm

gonna cut your foot off!

I need you later, but not all of you.

What are you gonna do to us?

I'm glad you asked, Holly.

We're gonna play this little game again

but this time it'll be fun,

and this time, you lose.

Why do you f***ing hate me so much?

Because you're an entitled little b*tch.

You do what you want,

and say what you want,

and you have everything I should have.

What's your fiance gonna say about this?

Don't you ever talk about my fiance.

I can't believe you

ate a piece of my cake,

you stupid sh*t!

Time to play.

How about we go in order,

who I like most to least.

You're up first Holly.

(gasps) Oh I like this one.

Oh, listen, it's not that bad, no.

I came up with the task myself.

[Jess] Don't do this,

I'll do all their tasks.

Of course you will.

Always trying to make it about you again.

You're up, Holly.

So if I do it, you

say you won't hurt us?

You have my word.

I'll even untie you if you do it right.

Holly, tell Jess what you think of her.

Jess, what do you mean?

No.

Aw, sorry, you got it wrong.

But because I like you,

I'll give you another shot.

Come on now, Holly, tell us

what you really think of Jess.

Jess, you're a whore and a f*** up

and you don't deserve

anything that you have.

And?

And, you're not even that pretty.

You're a c*nt, rot in hell!

(whimpers)

Oh! (claps)

Good job, I knew I liked you.

(grunting)

(screaming)

No, no!

No!

No! (sobbing)

I really did like her.

Please let them go. (weeps)

Do whatever you want

to me, but let them go.

It's me you hate.

I don't really like Kim much either.

(mumbles)

Let them go.

Tempting, no.

But tempting.

That would ruin everything.

Next.

Your task Sarah

is to give this dildo a blowie.

No, don't do it, Sarah.

(breathes heavily)

Now remember, less teeth, more tongue.

Come on.

Come on.

No, stop, please stop.

You can lick it.

Lick it like you mean it.

Come on.

Mm.

I'm gonna f***ing kill you.

What's that?

Time to go deeper.

You are surprisingly good at this.

No Laura, f*** off, let her go!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes