Hit by Lightning Page #6

in my head!

It's easy to be a Monday morning

quarterback and

blame it all on me, but...

That's her! She IS her picture,

wish me luck, dog.

Snail.

Could you come by our table and

ask me something 'astronaut-y.'

Hello, Seth.

Um, maybe we should get a table?

Yes! Oh yes, of course, yes. I

have a lot of pull here.

So Garcon.

That is French.

And why wouldn't you know that?

I'm a moron.

Relax, tonight you're going to

get paid and laid.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It was a phrase I took from your

profile.

I thought it was very funny.

Oh, oh right! I see! Ah sh*t I

thought you were serious.

Pardon my French. And I

apologize for that.

I didn't mean to imply that

French is course,

or, or that it is obscene or

that it is a gutter language.

French is not a gutter language

All my life, I had been looking

for my prince.

Danita, I, I, I need to talk to

you, please call me back...

Look I'm sorry I didn't trust

you,

but Seth kept making me watch

"Body Heat" and

and "Wild Things"...

Jesus, Seth!

Talk to me.

Look, look, it's my fault k.

Seth got into my head and

I started obsessing and getting

all suspicious, but,

but that's no excuse

I was using you.

What...

At first.

I've told you the truth about my

husband.

He would kill me if I tried to

leave him.

He controls every dime of mine

so I could never pay to have

somone... one day,

I went on a dating service to

look for someone desperate.

And they just... matched me up

with you.

I, I, I figured that any man

willing to go on a date

with a woman without even seeing

her picture,

might be willing to go along

with just about anything.

No but then I met you and it

just... everything changed.

I just... fell in love with

you.

Uh-huh...

I did, Ricky, I did. I, I really

did. I'll be honest.

At first when I read your

profile,

I couldn't believe anyone that

sweet could actually exist.

I mean I even snickered when I read the

word "heart-ner" the first time...

then I met you and...

you were just... you are that

sweet in person and...

I love you,

I love you from the bottom of my

heart, Ricky.

And I, I know you have no reason

to believe me, but I-

Goodbye, Danita.

Yeah okay, I guess that's what I

deserve.

Goodbye, Ricky. I'm so sorry,

Ricky.

You're my soulmate and I screwed

it all up.

Swear on Albert Brooks.

What?

Swear on Albert Brooks that you

love me.

If you're lying, he'll be struck

dead.

And also one of your cats.

I swear.

I swear on Albert Brooks and

Chairman Meow.

I love you, I love you Ricky.

With all my heart.

Oh God. I love you too, Danita!

Um listen, uh... there's

something

I probably should have told you.

Um well it's something you've

probably noticed already.

My... whole head was a lie.

It's okay, you look more

beautiful without your makeup.

It's back on.

What?

"Operation Kill The Rabbi."

It's a go

Pound it.

What, what exactly... is our

"Operation?"

You know what, I don't know.

I was thinking shoot him, trip

him?

Right now is not a good time,

bebe.

Up to my ass in "1099's. Okay.

You want me to give your husband

my novel?

Yes. Just like he asked.

Then you can come over one night

to... discuss it,

face to face, where you can

absorb all his comments and

then you'll have the perfect

opportunity-

I'm not sure it's ready.

What?

The eighty pages.

You know, I haven't even proofed

it yet and...

You're not sending it to him so

he'll give it to his agent!

You're giving it to him so you

can get invited

into his home and kill him.

It's just, it's been a real long

time

since anyone's read my stuff and

I...

Sorry, I'm reaally nervous.

Me too, honey.

Maybe we shouldn't do this.

Maybe we can just get in your

car and drive away,

far away, you and me, right now.

I'd have to give Debby's two

weeks notice.

Sorry, I was sure you were

kidding.

Let's just get away.

Maybe he won't kill me like he

says he will.

Yeah, okay, he's killed before,

but...

Oh yeah he killed his first

wife.

And they couldn't prove it, but

he did.

The prick even made it into the

plot of his first, first book.

Genius murderer gets away with

killing a cheating wife.

Christ...

His family warned me.

Till the day I married him, it's

just I never listened.

No, no, no hey, at least you

have good taste in men now.

"How to buy a gun..." Oh Sh*t.

They can trace Google searches,

idiot!

Uh, uh, smiley face? "LOL"...

Hey, man, can I talk to you for

a second?

Sure. What up, dog?

I'm gonna need some more time

off.

Yeah, okay, 'whatev's.'

Oh, hey, you know, Jorge there's

something I,

I always wanted to ask you.

Um do you know anybody who sells

guns?

Excuse me?

Oh well, it's for my... father.

He likes to hunt deer... I, I

don't condone it, but you know,

gives him pleasure and his

birthday is coming up so...

Why would you think I would know

somebody who sells guns, huh?

'Cause I'm Hispanic?

No, no, of course not.

I, I didn't mean anything.

Honestly...

it's just that this is how

stereotypes get perpetuated and...

Couldn't agree more and I'm

sorry I asked.

You know what? I just

remembered.

My brother and sister sell guns.

This is stupid... shouldn't we

be at a,

a shooting range or something.

Witnesses, dog.

Use your head, k.

It's totally discreet here.

Ah! Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, that

was discreet.

Couldn't you have asked the

busboy

for a silencer or something?

Sorry, first gun, forgot to ask

for accessories.

Alright, you know what, I'll

show you how to do it, hog.

You got to.., aim the, aim the.

Now don't hold the trigger yet,

no, no don't hold...

what are you a gangster...

Put it straight up, okay,

now make sure your forearm needs

to be in line with the barrel.

Needs to be in line...

no straight,

don't turn your elbow in or else

you're going to loop.

This is going to dislocate

immediately.

Okay look, no, no, no, you got

to stay, you got to stay square.

Okay you have no power there.

Look at it through that eye.

The eye closest to the, to the.

You know what, you don't have to

shoot him.

No, no, no. I want to shoot him.

That's how this murderer

deserves to die.

Murderer?

Well yeah, he killed his first

wife, totally got away with it.

No, no, no, I think you're

thinking of Ben's first book,

which is a great read by the

way.

I highly recommend it.

No, no, Danita told me he did

that.

In real life.

How do you know she's telling

the truth now?

I looked into her eyes.

Oh, good, great, I feel really

good about this now.

Did you at least think to Google

the guy

to see if he even HAD a first

wife?

Okay, okay. You know what your

problem is?

Seriously, seriously you know, I

think you need to hear it.

This may hurt you but I...

I really think you need to hear

it.

Okay Dr. Phil, what's my

problem?

Okay, you are so emotionally

immature,

so afraid of any kind of serious

relationship that

you mistrust every woman so you

don't have to make a commitment.

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