Holiday Camp Page #4

how about teaching me?

Don't be daft. l wouldn't know where to start.

Snooker's a man's game.

Well, are you coming to the concert,

or aren't you?

- Oh, Joe! Yes!

- (Laughs)

(Knock)

- That must be him.

- All right?

- OK.

Now remember, don't roll him too hard.

Take it easy tonight.

You don't have to tell me.

Oh, it's you! Come on in!

- Oh, hello, Harry boy.

- Hello.

- So you made it.

- Yes.

- Have a fag.

- Thanks.

- Take a pew.

- All ready, eh?

''All ready, eh?'' Hear that, Charl?

l should say we are.

You don't believe in wasting any time.

l've got an 'orrible feeling

l'm gonna walk back from this holiday.

- l see you've got the drinks.

- He don't miss nothing, do he?

'Ere, gulp it down, boy.

Plenty more where that come from.

(Coughs) Good stuff.

How old is it?

- As old as it's ever likely to be.

- (Laughs)

He knows the right stuff when he tastes it,

eh, Charl? Fix him up with some more.

l... l can never shuffle, can you?

No, l'm all thumbs when l do it.

Yeah, same here.

Well, what are we gonna play for?

We've got to play for something.

- Otherwise there's no interest in the game.

- No, l... l suppose not.

Of course l don't play a lot myself.

- (Laughs)

- Oh, hear that, Charl?

What's he trying to give us, eh?

How about a bob limit?

A bob? Well, l was thinking of a tanner.

l mean, just to start, like.

OK, Harry boy, tanner it is. We don't mind.

We just play for the love of the game.

Don't we, Charl, eh?

lt's lucky he's letting us off light,

l'm playing with my holiday money.

Same with me. All l've got left. Nine quid.

Ni... N-Nine quid?

Why, he's a blinking millionaire!

l mean, nine quid's nine quid, ain't it, Charl?

Certainly is.

Oh, little me! Right, off we go.

First time round.

Er...um...that's right, isn't it?

(Laughs) A pontoon first time round!

Harry boy, this is your lucky night!

(Yodelling)

? A beautiful sight to see

? You've heard the song of the farmer's sow

ow, ow, aye-di-di-dow

? l'd like to be a farmer's boy

and pick myself a wife

? (Mimics donkey) Oh, what a beautiful life...

Dance.

? lf ever you go down on the farm,

just watch next time you go

? And see the farmhands doing their work,

the going is rather slow

(Yodels)

? (Mimics donkey) A beautiful sight to see

? You've heard the song of the farmer's sow

ow, ow, aye-di-di-dow

? l'd like to be a farmer's boy

and pick myself a wife

? (Mimics donkey) Oh, what a beautiful life

Well, that's my little party piece, folks.

Now it's your turn. You know the number.

Bobbing Up And Down Like This.

All together. Are you ready?

(Piano intro)

? Sons of the sea, now

? Bobbing up and down like this

? Sailing the ocean

? Bobbing up and down like...

Hurry up there, Ma, you're a couple of bob out.

? They may build their ships, my lads

? Bobbing up and down like this

? But they can't beat the boys

of the bulldog breed, now

? Bobbing up and down like this

All together!

? Sons of the sea...

- Let's go for a walk?

- Why?

l feel seasick.

? Sailing the ocean

? Bobbing up and down like this

- Well, he certainly cooked us, Charl.

- Roasted us proper.

- Are you sure you've got to go home?

- Afraid so.

Dad would create if he went to my chalet

and found out l wasn't in bed.

That's all right. Suits me.

You want taking in small doses.

- How much are you down, Charl?

- Oh, about 1 2 and a kick.

- l can see you and me walking home.

- Yeah, you're darn right.

l must be down over a quid.

- What have you made, Harry boy?

- 31 bob.

lt's not bad, eh?

Er... l say, l hope you don't mind.

No, come off it! We're not kids.

We knew what we were doing.

You won it, you keep it.

- Come back tomorrow and give us our revenge.

- All right, sure.

l expect your luck will change.

- Tomorrow night, same time?

- Tomorrow night, same time.

- Do you think we ought to, Charlie?

- Oh, it's only fair.

lf it was the other way round,

we'd want to carry on.

- We can't pull out just cos we're losing.

- All right.

- See you tomorrow, Harry boy. So long.

- So long.

Good night, Harry.

(Door closes)

(They laugh raucously)

- Shall l see you tomorrow?

- You don't want to spend all your time with me.

- Oh, l do, you know.

- lt's bad for you. You want to mix a bit.

- Who with?

- All those glamorous blondes at the pool.

l haven't noticed any.

You come round tomorrow,

l'll point them out to you.

All right. What time?

Oh, l can't. l forgot.

l promised Mum

l'd go on that coach trip across the moors.

All right, l'll come along

and make sure you get back safely.

No.

Look, l'll see you at 1 1 o'clock.

- Good night.

- Joan!

Hey, you two!

Would you mind shoving off?

This isn't a reception area and it's booked.

l'm sorry, we didn't see you.

- Good night.

- Joan!

Wh-Where shall l meet you?

l'll see you outside the ballroom at 1 1 o'clock.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Bad staff work, old boy.

You shouldn't have let her get away.

Now, then...where was l, hm?

TANNO Y:
Attention all campers.

Will anyone finding the bottom half

of a lady's swimsuit in white plastic material

return it to the office building,

as the owner should have it

in time for the beauty competition.

The trunks of a lady's swimsuit,

white plastic material. Please hurry.

Oh, Harry! Stop it!

(Groans) lt's as hot as the south of France.

When l shut my eyes,

l can almost imagine l'm back there.

When you open them again,

you must get a bit of a shock.

Not a bit. The first thing l see is Angela.

- Anything in the paper, Mother?

- Not really, no.

Why keep your nose buried in it?

- Because l can't look up and keep my modesty.

- Oh, come off it!

lt's no good.

l don't hold with all this undressing in public.

- lt's good for you. Lets the sun get at you.

- l don't want the sun to get at me, thank you.

- Well, l can't see anything wrong with it.

- Can't you?

Look at those two girls over there. You wouldn't

think they were wearing anything at all.

Well, they are. Worst luck.

Joe Huggett, that's enough!

Either you put those things away

or l'm going!

All right, all right!

- Aren't you coming in, Binky?

- Wish l could.

l'm afraid the old ticker's a bit dicky.

Ever since l spent five days

in my dinghy in the North Sea.

l'm gonna have a swim.

l want to keep my weight down.

You won't, my dear.

A friend of mine at Oxford with me,

a Harley Street specialist, says that people

always put on weight on a holiday.

That's because some of 'em

put on too much side.

- Oh, hello.

- Hello.

- What's become of the matelot?

- l don't know and l don't care.

- Why don't you come in?

- l can't swim.

l nearly can. Only l need someone to teach me.

- Will you?

- l haven't got the time.

- You've never got the time for me.

- All right. ln you come.

- What'll l do?

- Well, the first thing is don't be afraid. Come on.

Supposing l fall in and get drowned?

What'll we do then?

Don't fall in again!

(Squeals)

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