Holy Man Page #7

Twenty seconds to air.

Stand by. Clear the set.

Lock it up on the stage. Nice and quiet

all around, please. Here we go.

Thank you. Go to the booth

and make sure the price lists

are typed in continuously.

- Got it.

- Hey! Ah, oh, oh!

G, one more thing.

Think of the camera

as your best friend...

your best friend

that really needs mixing bowls.

Here we go. Stand by, please.

In five, four, three--

Fade up camera one

and cue the consonant.

[ Snaps Fingers ]

[ Whispering ]

Talk. You're on. You're on.

You're on. We're rolling.

Live TV. Go.

What's the plan?

G, go, go.

Talk now.

[ Whispering ]

The little red light on the top is on.

[ Sighs ]

No, no, no,

it's not traffic.

No, it's TV.

Talk. Talk!

Talk. Now. Now.

Talkie, talkie,

talk, talk. Go.

- I--

- Oh, good, he bought a vowel.

"I"?

- I--

- "I."

I wept...

when I saw a man

who had no shoes...

- until I met a man who had no penis.

- What?

- Can he say that?

- He just did.

Now my one special friend is listening.

I think I have your attention now.

- [ Man ] What do we do, Ricky?

- Stay with him.

- Stay with him.

- Ricky, he just said "penis."

Why did he say "penis"?

- I don't know.

- There's gotta be a reason.

Howard Stern says "penis" all the time.

What's wrong with that?

And he's huge. It's shocking,

which is good. It's good.

I have a question for you:

Why?

- Good question.

- Why are we here?

Is it to lie in bed alone

and call up a TV station...

so you can buy more things?

So you can collect

as many things as possible...

in the little finger-snap of time

you have on this planet?

- That's why we're here.

- That's our credo, I think.

He's talking.

He's looking at the bowls.

- He weaves a magical web

of charisma and--

- Mm-hmm?

I guess that's

a good way to go.

How about this?

- Whoa.

- Where's he going?

- He's gone.

- Where'd he go?

- He's going on the Morgan set.

- She's live!

Hi. I'm here to tell all of you

wonderful home viewers...

about new lnsta-Tuck...

the nonsurgical,

do-it-yourself facial toner.

Oh! You hook your face up

to this car battery?

Well, we don't call it

a car battery.

- It's okay. It's okay.

- He's on Morgan's set.

- And why did--

- It's okay. She's a pro.

- The lnsta-Tuck power source

fits right on your nightstand.

- Oh!

- This looks a lot like a battery.

What do these things do?

- Well, it does, but--

No, don't do that.

Don't do that! I'm wired.

- [ Imitates Static ]

- No-- Yeah. Not pretty.

She loves improv.

You know that about her.

Wasn't she, before the series, a member

of The Groundlings, or Lemmings?

All you have to do

is attach the lnsta-clips...

to the key lift points

on your scalp.

- Key lift points on your scalp.

- Yes. Uh-huh, right here.

He's engaging her.

Look at him.

He's like a child, and not even aware

of the camera; that's what I love.

And you just let the little

electronic energy pulsars

do all the work for you...

while you sleep.

So you go from grandma

to grand mama...

- in one easy push

of the button. [ Hums ]

- [ Electronic Hum ]

She's never been so alive.

She's never been so alive.

- Oh!

- See?

So the look of surprise

is the youthful look.

Well, hopefully, yes. So the years

just melt away with lnsta-Tuck.

Oh, that's fascinating.

May I see the remote control unit there?

Ooh, don't.

Don't hand your life over to him.

I think this would be fantastic

for a surprise birthday party.

- Surprise parties--

You could say, "Surprise!"

- [ Crew Laughing ]

- [ G ] It's your birthday!

- That's kind of funny, guys.

You look so youthful

and surprised.

You know what else

this'd be good for?

"Madam, I think you've just

won the one million dollar lottery!"

- Oh, my God.

He's electrocuting Morgan Fairchild.

- That's not funny.

Even better still, the Martians

have landed, and they're taking you...

- back to Mars with them.

- No, no, no, st--

- [ Whimpering ]

- What we have here,

ladies and gentlemen...

is a beautiful woman who's trying

to convince you that you're not enough.

- That you're not beautiful enough--

- Oh, my God, he's leaving it on.

Oh, let her go.

Let her go, man. Let her go!

You don't need lnsta-Tuck to be

beautiful. You're already beautiful.

- Did he say, "Don't buy this product"?

- He said, "Don't buy--"

That's an interesting way to sell.

All you have to do to be

beautiful is just be yourself.

This woman's already beautiful.

She doesn't need lnsta-Tuck.

Even-- I'm sorry.

- [ Clicks Off ]

- This beautiful woman here,

you don't need lnsta-Tuck.

Oh, interesting angle. Uh-huh.

You know what? This is personal.

I know what's

happening here.

He knows I'm trying to sell stuff,

and this is a personal attack.

He's undermining me.

He's sabotaging me.

I made a deal with him. I explained it

to him. I went in the water with him.

I have a question for you.

If you could be the Dalai Lama...

- or a beautiful Baywatch babe,

which would you choose?

- Baywatch babe.

Now, think about it. I know

the Baywatch beauty is so desirable...

and she has the perfect body

and she runs up and down

the beach with a bikini on.

That's a really hot girl,

the Baywatch beauty, right?

But the Dalai Lama has total inner

peace and spiritual enlightenment.

There's no comparison.

Don't you agree?

She agrees.

Here. Oh!

- [ All Chattering ]

- Ricky, what do you want to do?

I-l-l don't know.

I could go back to school, I guess.

[ Mickey ]

...the size on this one, folks.

This is the saw you want, boys.

Bucking, pruning, trimming.

The hotellrestaurant business

always held a real lure for me.

I'm a people person. What?

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hello. No.

- So give us a call,

and I'll carve you a great deal.

- [ G ] Nice chain saw.

- Who are you?

Oh, I'm new here. I'm a friend

of Ricky Hayman's. Hi, Ricky.

- Just curious about chain saws.

- Incoming. Mayday. Mayday.

This is a disaster.

This is a massacre.

You've got to be kidding.

Can I hold it? It's a dandy.

Can I have the weight in my hand?

Feel the weight

of that chain saw. Wow!

- It's a heavy one. Be careful.

- Oh, yeah.

- [ Ricky ] He's staying at my home,

and this is his gratitude?

- He gave him the chain saw.

- This is gonna be good.

- This is not good.

I have a question.

If I said to you...

you could watch me sculpt

the Venus de Milo with my hands...

or chainsaw

this entire studio...

what do you think

their call-in vote would be?

For creation or destruction?

You guys call in now. Call.

He's hitting every single set.

He's cutting a-- It's a clean sweep!

He's making a clean swath from one side

of the studio to the 'nother!

I know just what they want.

- [ Saw Running ]

- Whoa! Now would be a good time

to talk about the safety features.

This is good.

McBainbridge'll love this.

Oh, no.

You've gotta be kidding.

He's chainsawing our Happy-Time

redwood picnic table.

More? Of course you want more.

And bench.

He got the whole set.

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