Holy Man Page #8

[ Chain Saw Engine Stops ]

Now, I admit that was fun.

But I ask you...

why do we yawn at creation

and thrill at destruction?

- Why?

- Okay. Okay.

- Ask yourself why.

- Here it is. Here's his agenda.

Let me tell you, I've been

watching for a long, long time,

and I don't like what I see.

I really don't.

Everybody's anxious and scared.

Everybody's working all the time,

but what do you really gain?

And our kids-- Our kids

play with computer pets

because they've learned from us...

to trust machines

more than they do people.

We acquire,

we consume and we waste.

He's barking mad.

He's a lone nut.

And that's not

how it was supposed to be.

I promise you

that was not the plan.

And I think it's time some things

changed around here. Don't you?

- What the hell is going on here?

- Turn your sets off.

- TV history?

- Okay, cut him, cut him.

Here's your chain saw.

'Night, Ricky.

Here you go.

Right there.

[ Muzak ]

Would you guys excuse us, please?

I need to talk to Ricky alone.

- Okay, guys.

- Barry, just for a moment, please?

[ Clears Throat ]

Yeah. I'm out.

What were you thinking?

I don't know.

Ever since you guys showed up,

all I do is go backwards.

You know, it seems like no matter

what I've done you get offended...

or, you know,

I make him mad and--

I mean, I didn't--

I don't wanna lose this job.

I-- You know,

I like workin' here. I--

I like selling.

I'm good at it.

I think.

My dad was a salesman.

On the road.

You know Evinrude Motors?

Yeah, outboard motors.

He did the whole Lake Erie region,

both sides of the border.

Wow. I drove with him...

for a couple of--

a couple of summers.

Man, this Caprice he had

was like his home.

The stick shift he would make

his place for rubber bands.

He'd keep all his rubber bands

on the stick shift.

And then he had his notes

all organized...

with paper clips

in a very particular way.

And red liquorice.

Boxes of red liquorice.

We had a good time...

for a while.

What happened?

Oh, bad luck, I guess.

Nobody water skis

on a dead lake.

So--

You know, he tried anyway,

but, uh--

You know, you start to push

and get sweaty, and they can smell it.

- Wow. This is so weird.

- What?

I'm starting to think of you

as a real person.

Well, yeah. Sure.

This whole broken,

pathetic husk thing is just--

You know-- I know.

It's very appealing.

[ Laughs ]

Well, if ya got it, flaunt it.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- Yeah.

- [ Door Opens, Closes ]

- If I may say--

- You're through, Hayman! Get lost!

- Hey.

- How'd it go with McB?

- Fine, fine.

- What happened?

Oh, he was very gracious.

No legal action.

And he gave me a full 15 minutes

to leave the premises.

[ Kate ] Come on. Move.

He's flying to D.C.

- We can still catch him

in the parking lot.

- Who is?

- The boss!

- No, Kate, it's over.

Not when he sees these.

Come on. Put that down.

[ Kate ]

These are the numbers from G's show.

- Caller volume spiked

the second he came on.

- So what?

They were probably calling

to get that nutcase off the air.

- He reached them. They liked him.

- Oh, geez.

They wanted to buy something;

they just didn't know what.

John, this is a 30%%% jump.

Major audience connection

with a spokesperson. Ricky was right.

What the hell are you saying?

We give this maniac another chance?

Ah! Which maniac

would that be?

I thought about this all night.

G shook them up.

He's dangerous, but he represents

an honesty that people are longing for.

Totally. And he represents

a spirituality--

Spirituality

on a home shopping network?

I'm sorry. Did I say spirituality?

I think I mean unconventionality.

- Unique, heartfelt, wise.

- Pithy.

- Pithy?

- Survey after survey shows...

that after people buy,

they feel guilty.

Even if they can afford it,

they feel it was wrong to buy

something for themselves.

Why not put somebody on the air

who makes them feel good

about themselves for a change?

Absolutely. And, listen,

let me just work with the guy

and let me focus his message.

I think-- We think that G could

give us that unique image

that you're looking for.

- Give me the deadest hour

of the day. 2:
00 a.m.?

- [ Chuckling ]

All right.

But l--

I kid you not...

if I'm embarrassed in any way,

shape or form, it is

going to be both your asses.

- My ass entirely. Well--

- My ass too, sir.

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping ]

I mean, that's rough, you know,

but... you get the idea.

Yes.

You're a hungry one,

aren't you, Scott?

- Excuse me?

- No need for excuses.

I'm a hungry one too.

But what is it you really want?

It isn't this.

I want all of it--

the whole thing.

Give me the network.

Let me run with it.

I'll give you a redesign that'll

double sales inside of 18 months.

What about Kate... and Hayman?

Kate's smart.

She wants to stay on

and work for me, fine.

Hayman can call in

and buy things...

just like everybody else.

I can't believe

we're doin' this again.

- [ Man ] One minute!

- Okay. A nice, deep breath.

That's good.

- One minute!

- What do you think? One minute!

- You with the programme? You with us?

- You're a natural.

- Are you with us?

- Oh, yeah.

Okay, okay. Now remember--

Let's go over this one more time.

Here's the TelePrompTer.

- Okay.

- And when the red light goes on,

you're on, start reading.

- Okay.

- Remember, hold the product up.

- Fifty seconds!

- Okay, we're gonna be in the booth.

- Okay.

- You're a natural.

That's 'cause I love

show business.

- And show business loves you.

- Show business. It's a business.

Show business.

Camera one up.

Camera two standing by.

- [ Men Chattering ]

- Audio up.

- [ Man #2 ] Audio. And five--

- And count it off.

Four, three.

- Oh, please speak.

- Mr Mum, Mr Hush. I can't believe it.

- Hello.

- Okay. Hold it up.

...wonderful new product

we have here.

It's called

the starfish pendant.

- He's holding it up.

- He's good.

It's made out of two-karat gold,

wonderful two-karat gold,

which makes it very charming.

Because it's so very light,

it's easy to wear.

And kids love it.

It looks great at parties.

And the starfish pendant--

Talk. Keep reading,

keep reading.

- I have something better

for you than a necklace.

- Oh, no.

[ Chuckles ]

This brought back a memory.

- Something that happened to me

when I was a little boy.

- Memories are good.

There was a storm.

And thousands and thousands

of starfish were washed up on the shore.

- Only four days ago you waved him over.

- Let's just hold on, hold on.

And there was this beautiful

little girl running down the beach

picking up the starfish.

She was frantically throwing them

back into the ocean.

When I saw her doing this,

I said to her, "Why are you doing that?

You can only save a few before they die.

What difference does it make?"

And she looked at me

and she said...

"To that one,

it makes a difference."

"To that one, it makes a difference,"

that little girl said.

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