Home Alone Page #3

I have a son who's home alone.

Has the child been involved in

violence with a drunk family member?

No!

Has he been involved

in a household accident?

I don't know. I hope not.

Has the child ingested any poison

or is an object lodged in his throat?

No, he's home alone! I'd like

somebody to go over to the house...

...and see if he's all right.

You want us to go to your house,

just to check on him.

Yes!

Let me connect you to the police.

They just transferred me.

- Rose!

- Yeah.

- Hyper.

- Hang on.

- Hold on, please.

- No, please don't hang up. Please!

Any luck?

- I couldn't get anybody.

- Leslie?

Nothing but a bunch

of answering machines.

Somebody pick up. Pick up!

Oh, hi, ma'am. It's you again.

Look, I'm calling from Paris.

I have a son who's home alone, and l...

We'll send a policeman over

to your house to check on your son.

There's nobody home.

The house looks secure.

Tell them to count their kids again.

You can't bump somebody or ask or...?

There's no way I can do that.

Isn't there a way

if you ask somebody?

If you said it's an emergency...

I cannot ask them.

She's sending a policeman

over to the house.

Well, that's a relief.

Everything here is booked.

Nothing to Chicago?

There's nothing to Chicago,

New York, Nashville.

- What about a private plane?

- Sorry. We don't do that.

The only thing is a booking

for us on Friday morning.

Friday morn... That's two days away.

The kids are exhausted and so are you.

There's nothing we can do here.

I say we go over to Rob's, and that

way we can call the police again.

I'm not leaving here unless

it's on an airplane.

Madame, we are doing

everything we can.

If you want to stay at the airport,

maybe we can get you on standby.

It is a possibility

that a seat will open up.

- Is that okay?

- Yes. I'll wait.

I'll miss you, honey.

Don't you get lost.

Goodbye.

I took a shower, washing every

body part with actual soap.

Including all my major crevices...

...between my toes

and in my belly button...

...which I never did before

but enjoyed.

I washed my hair with adult formula

shampoo and used creme rinse.

I can't find my toothbrush,

so I'll pick one up today.

Other than that, I'm in good shape.

All right! Buzz's life savings.

I thought the Murphys

went to Florida.

You're one of the great

cat burglars of the world.

You think you can keep it

down a little in there?

You've reached the Murphy's.

Please leave a message after the beep.

This is Peter McCallister again.

We're in Paris at my brother's.

Let me give you the number here.

The country code is 33.

The area code is 1-4 and the number

is 694-876...

- Hey, Harry.

- Yeah?

That house we ran last night,

was that the McCallister's?

- Call me in Paris.

- You're right. They're gone.

- I knew they were.

- Silver tuna tonight.

Wow!

How may I help you?

Is this toothbrush approved

by the American Dental Association?

Well, I don't know.

It doesn't say, hon.

Can you please find out?

- Herb.

- Yeah?

I got a question here

about a toothbrush.

Do you know, is this brush approved

by the American Dental Association?

I don't know.

Oh, hon, you pay for that here.

Wait, you have to pay for that.

Son! Son!

Jimmy, stop that boy!

Hey!

Shoplifter!

Hey! Hey, kid!

Come back here!

Stop it, will you?

Come here.

I'm a criminal.

What's so funny?

What's so funny?

Why are you laughing?

You did it again.

You left the water running.

Why do you do that?

I told you not to do it.

- It's our calling card.

- Calling card.

All the great ones leave their mark.

We're the wet bandits.

You're sick, you know?

You're really sick.

- I'm not sick.

- Yes, you are.

It's a sick thing to do.

- We don't need that.

- Don't tell me...

I can do it if I want to.

It's not sick. Hey, watch out!

Hey! Hey!

You've gotta watch for traffic.

- Sorry.

- Damn.

Santy don't visit

the funeral homes, buddy.

Okay, okay.

Merry Christmas.

What's the matter?

I don't like the way

that kid looked at me.

- Ever seen him before?

- I saw a hundred kids this week.

Let's see what house he goes into.

Why's he going faster?

I told you something's wrong.

He looked at me weird.

Why would he run?

Maybe he went in the church.

- I'm not going in there.

- Me neither.

Let's get out of here.

When those guys come back,

I'll be ready.

Did they come back?

From Paris?

We'll come back tomorrow.

Maybe they'll be gone.

We better go before somebody sees us.

Look what I found in the kitchen.

Frank, those are for later.

Do you want a little shrimp, huh?

Do you speak English?

Well, is there...

- Did you get anybody?

- I am looking for my son!

No, I can't find anybody.

They're all shopping.

Nobody's home for the holidays.

Never mind, forget it.

- This is so pointless.

- What?

We're here rotting in this apartment.

Kevin's at home.

Mom's at the airport.

- So?

- You're not worried about Kevin?

Why should I be? He acted like a jerk

and now he caught it in the butt.

He's so little and helpless.

Don't you think he's freaked?

The trout can use a couple of days

in the real world.

You're not worried

something might happen?

No. For three reasons:

A. I'm not that lucky.

Two:
We have smoke detectors...

...and D:
We live in the most boring

street in the United States...

...where nothing even remotely

dangerous will ever happen. Period.

Who is it?

It's Little Nero's.

I have your pizza.

Leave it on the doorstep

and get out of here.

Okay.

What about the money?

What money?

Well, you have to pay

for your pizza, sir.

Is that a fact?

How much do I owe you?

That'll be $11.80, sir.

Keep the change, you filthy animal.

- Cheapskate.

- Hey.

I'm gonna give you

to the count of ten...

... to get your ugly, yellow...

... no-good keister

off my property...

... before I pump you full of lead.

One, two... ten.

A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.

- To Dallas/Forth Worth.

American Airlines...

So we have the $500,

the pocket translator...

...the two first-class seats,

that's an upgrade...

Is that a real Rolex?

- Do you think it is?

- No.

But who can tell?

I also have a ring.

Oh, that is beautiful!

They're boarding.

She's offered us two first-class

tickets if we go Friday.

Plus a ring, a watch,

a pocket translator, $500 and...

The earrings.

She's got her own earrings.

A whole shoebox full of them.

- Come on, come on.

- No, but...

I'm desperate.

I'm begging you.

From a mother to a mother. Please!

- Oh, Ed.

- Please!

Oh, all right.

"Dear Santa, I got a little sister

last year.

This year I'd rather have

some Clay-Doh. "

I didn't mean it.

If you come back, I'll never be

a pain in the butt again.

I promise. Good night.

I'm dreaming

Of a white

Christmas

Just like the ones

I used to know

Where those treetops glisten

And children listen

To hear sleigh bells

In the snow

The snow

Are those microwave dinners good?

- I don't know.

- I'll give them a whirl.

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