Horrible Bosses Page #11

That was very good driving, by the way.

Thank you very much.

- Good evening, Mr. Buckman.

-Yeah, hey, Gregory. How are you?

Our onboard sensors

report you've had a collision.

That's because

we have a crazy man that hit us.

I will alert the authorities

and direct them to your location.

Don't call the cops.

They're already after us.

No, Gregory, they think we murdered

someone, all right? Do not call the cops.

What's going on?

Why you slowing down, Kurt?

Whoa. Oh, no, no, no. I didn't do that.

No, the engine died.

- I remotely disabled your engine.

-What?

It is standard Nav Guide protocol...

...whenever a driver

has committed a crime.

I pay 19 bucks a month

for this f***ing service.

Remain with your vehicle.

The police will be arriving shortly.

Gregory, I thought you were

our f***ing friend, man!

Get out of the car, all of you.

Come on. Come on.

-Remember I saved your life that one time?

- Shut up.

Just take it easy with that--

-Shut up.

I got six bullets in this gun.

Which means I can shoot all of you

twice, just like that bastard Pellit...

...if I really wanted to,

but I'm not gonna.

You're not gonna shoot us twice

or not gonna shoot us?

Shut up.

I got a better idea. I'm gonna tell

the cops that you killed Pellit.

And when I found out,

you tried to kill me to shut me up.

- That's crazy.

- Is it?

Because I don't see one shred

of evidence that proves that I shot Pellit.

And besides, I'm the guy

with the bullet in his leg.

What?

God, that hurts so much.

Son of a b*tch.

- Catch!

- No, don't ca--!

- Goddamn it, Dale.

- You see?

You can't win a marathon without

putting some Band-Aids on your nipples.

- What does that mean?

- Watch this.

-Everybody freeze!

- Police!

Drop the gun! On your knees!

Thank God.

Officers, thank God you're here.

These guys, they shot me.

- That's not true!

- That's bullshit!

I found out they murdered someone.

They tried to shut me up.

Please protect me from them.

I have a wife and a cat!

All right, take it easy.

Call for an ambulance.

- Hey, what is this?

-It's nothing. It's just a tape recorder.

Oh, sh*t! It's a tape recorder!

-A tape recorder. Did you turn that off?

- No, it's been recording!

- So listen to us, officer.

- Hands up!

Listen to us for one second.

He confessed to killing Pellit.

He said he shot him twice...

...and he was gonna shoot us once

or twice. He was unclear about that.

- You are insane.

- Just play the tape.

But all those people are just right outside.

Your balls are so smooth.

Wait a minute. Is that my wife?

No, no. Of course not, no.

Let's move past that.

--jam my skull

into the crack of your ass!

I'll dance on your boobies,

and jump up and down on your butt.

What the f*** is this?

Don't judge. I have a thing with my boss.

It's none of your business.

If you could get to the end...?

There's nothing on here.

- Sh*t!

- What happened?

Thing must have stopped

when we crashed.

Before this guy

supposedly confessed?

I told you, these guys are liars.

They cannot be trusted.

They shot me in the leg, killed a guy.

- He shot himself.

- I don't need to hear anything else.

-Cuff them.

- Oh, my God.

- You don't need to cuff us.

- My God, we're going to jail.

We're going to jail. Unbelievable.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

Excuse me? Officers?

I should mention

that it is Nav Guide policy...

...to record all conversations

for quality assurance.

- Who the hell's that?

- That's our Nav Guide rep.

-His name is Almonan.

- Hands up!

- Atmanad.

- Almondmond.

-Atmanad is what it was!

- Atmanand.

Atmand-- Gregory, uh, play what he said.

-Play it just after the crash.

- Very good, sir.

You're not gonna listen to this.

This isn't evidence.

I got six bullets in this gun.

Which means I can shoot all of you

twice, just like that bastard Pellit...

...if I really wanted to,

but I'm not gonna.

- That's it.

- So it was you.

That is not proof. That's just a car.

You're not gonna listen to a car.

Looks like I'm getting that promotion

after all. Yeah.

To answer your question,

that was your wife.

- You f***ed my wife?

- I f***ed your wife.

Nobody fucks my wife!

Ah.

How you like them nipples?

Did you just do the catchphrase?

-Good Will Hunting.

- Good Will Hunting.

- That's so great.

- Caught it, yeah.

Good Will Hunting rip. Instead of

saying "apples" he said "nipples."

- Felt like a moment.

- And happy birthday.

So in the end,

we didn't wind up going to jail.

Actually, we did later that night

when they booked us.

But since we led the cops to Harken...

...they ultimately agreed

to let our other offenses slide.

Strangely enough, lucky for Kurt...

...there's no laws on the books against

putting people's toiletries up your ass.

Anyway,

with Harken in his new position...

...on all fours in prison for 25 to life,

Comnidyne made me acting president.

It's a great job, I got a solid raise

and I'm actually my own boss.

Well, except for the CEO.

- Morning.

- Oh, morning. You, uh, must be Nick.

- I am.

- Well, it's great to finally meet you.

- You too, Mr. Sherman.

- Please. Lou.

Okay. Lou.

I appreciate the opportunity

you've given me. I won't let you down.

Yeah, I'm sure you won't, son.

From what I hear, people say

he's the nicest guy in the world.

Mr. Sherman,

I'm sorry your coffee was cold.

Uh, Lou?

Most people.

Mr. Sherman, I'm hungry!

Can I come out now, please?

- You hear that?

- No.

Sounds like there's someone

in your trunk.

Why don't we let this

be, uh, our little secret?

I need a shower.

Yeah. Turns out my new boss...

...is a twisted old f***.

Meanwhile, the Pellit family put the most

senior person in charge of the company...

...which wasn't Kurt.

But he was okay with that.

Because he realized that when you're

the boss, sometimes people want you dead.

- Hey, Kurt. Come in.

- Margie, I wanted to congratulate you.

Thank you.

If there's anything I can do to help out

before the baby gets here, let me know.

- What baby?

- Your baby.

- I'm not pregnant.

- So I'm just touching you?

Ay.

Julia.

I was thinking perhaps

we could drill the patient first.

And Dale?

Ultimately, he decided his only choice

was to screw Julia after all.

You just continue to surprise me...

...you dirty, dirty little man.

Just you wait.

You like that, Dale?

- You like that, Dale?

- Oh, my God, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, gosh, do I wish

I could have sex with Julia.

What?

I'm so sorry, but I couldn't keep it

together! It's amazing!

- She was talking to your penis!

- Who are you?

Julia, this is my good friend,

Kenny Sommerfeld.

Most Likely to Succeed.

- Give me some of that.

- Don't you touch me.

Now, Kenny here, he'll do

just about anything for 50 bucks.

- Yeah, it's true.

- Yeah, and it's not pretty.

But that's why I asked him

to help me frame you.

Really? Is this all you've got?

Your word against mine?

Don't forget about that guy.

Say hi to my cameraman.

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