Horrible Bosses Page #9

with an anonymous tip. All right?

We tell them Harken killed Pellit. Boom.

Harken's in jail, Pellit's in hell,

Julia's had the crazy f***ed out of her...

...and all three of us

have our problems solved.

It could work. An anonymous tip,

that's not bad.

Mm-hm.

Gotta be from a pay phone, though,

so it's not traced back to us.

- Exactly.

- Good. Let's take my car. Let's do it.

All right. Where do you even

find a pay phone these days?

There's a ton at the bus station for sure.

Oh, yeah, I guess that's a good point.

Maybe the mall.

What is this?

- What is this?

- Is that for us?

- What?

-Oh, sh*t.

All the way down.

Right there.

- Are you the owner of this vehicle?

- I own it. Yup.

We got an APB on a gray Toyota Prius,

license 2-Whiskey-Alpha-Quincy-2-3-3.

- How come?

- Hang on, man.

- Did I talk to you?

- No.

That's this car. Tell me how I can help.

A traffic cam caught this car

fleeing the scene of a crime tonight.

- Would you know anything about that?

- I don't know why it would do that.

I mean, I don't know. What happened?

- Have you been drinking?

- No.

I smell alcohol.

- This guy and the mouth in the back.

- That's me.

I'm gonna need you

to follow us to the station.

Officer.

My man.

I cannot believe I let you talk me into

this whole thing. I cannot believe it.

Are you kidding me?

We were being hypothetical.

- Being hypothetical?

- You're the one that pushed us into it.

Do you wanna explain

why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone...

...one block from the victim's house...

...just moments after he got shot dead?

I was drag racing.

- I'm a drag racer.

- You were drag racing?

Mm.

In a Prius?

I don't win a lot.

Here's what I don't understand.

You were at the crime scene.

Hour later we find the car. You happened to

be hanging with this freaky motherf***er.

- A registered sex offender.

- It was an empty playground.

And this guy. Who happens to be working

for Pellit Chemicals, the victim's company.

What?

My boss was murdered?

Oh, wow. What were you doing at his

house, Nick? Why were you there?

Where were you during the murder?

I was making love.

I was making love to a woman.

Yeah. Murdering some ass.

-Detectives....

- No, uh, I have a question.

If one of us knew, you know,

who the shooter was...

...and he was willing to

serve you that perp on a platter...

...he would be entitled

to some sort of immunity, right?

No. He would be entitled

to some jail time.

If he knew who the shooter was

and didn't tell us...

...that would be obstruction of justice.

Glad none of us

know who the shooter is.

Listen, if you think we're gonna believe

that this is all just a big coincidence...

...we're gonna be here for a long time.

Okay, wait. By saying

"we're gonna be here for a long time"...

...you're implying that

we're not allowed to leave...

...which would only be the case if we

were under arrest. Are we under arrest?

No. We just brought you in

for questioning.

Well, then, ipso facto...

...you don't have sufficient evidence...

...constituting probable cause

for an arrest warrant.

Not yet.

Well, uh, then, pursuant to

the Fourth Amendment...

...I believe we are free to go.

Are we not?

Yeah, technically. Yeah.

Technically is good enough for me.

Gentlemen, ahem, we are free men.

Let's go.

We gotta get back to your car.

Keep moving.

We get a cab? Take the train?

What do you wanna do?

- You ever been on a subway in this town?

- Pretty great. Where'd that come from?

Law & Order, okay? You can

learn stuff watching Law & Order.

- We showed them, huh?

- We did show them.

You were about to turn us in.

There was a few conversations about ratting

each other out, but it was gonna be fine.

Hold on.

That's for you, hotshot.

Speeding and running a red light.

You boys don't get

too comfortable out there.

Our forensics team is sweeping the Pellit

house right now for DNA and fingerprints.

And I'll tell you something.

They don't miss sh*t.

In the butt you go, go, go.

Why would you put his whole bathroom

in your ass?!

- I didn't I know I had DNA in my butt.

- Lying! You know there's DNA in your butt.

You just like shoving sh*t in your ass,

you f***ing pervert!

We are lawyering up, man. That's it.

I don't have money for a lawyer. I bought

a very expensive ring I can't afford...

...then I gave the rest of my motherfucking

money to Motherf***er Jones.

That's who we should talk to.

- He's covered us this far, right? Five grand?

- Five thousand. Forty, with the briefcase.

- Shut up about that!

- Shut up about the briefcase.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Da-da-da.

- Hello, Motherf***er.

- Hey, look who's back. Look who's back.

Whatever happened to

that, uh, Strangers on a Train sh*t?

Didn't work out. We need your help.

One of our intended victims

killed the other intended victim.

- Shut the f*** up.

- It's gone bad.

You guys are some f***ing evil geniuses.

Thank you, but we had nothing to do

with it. We don't know why it happened.

The cops bring us in as suspects.

Kurt's DNA's all over the apartment because

he shoved a toothbrush up his ass.

- That's not the point.

-I'm giving him the whole story.

I got you. First thing first,

we gotta handle business.

Mm-hm.

- I need $5000.

- There's gonna be no more money.

- Two thousand?

- Absolutely not.

No way, Motherf***er. No.

All right, look, pay for my drinks.

- Pay for his drink.

- I'll do that.

Not a very good negotiator.

The guy that killed the other guy,

are the cops after him?

No, no, they don't suspect him.

Then this is what you need to do:

Get him to confess to the murder

while you're wearing a wire.

A wire? We can do that. That's easy.

That how they got you

when you murdered somebody?

- I ain't never murder nobody.

- I'm sorry?

I never murdered anybody.

Wait, no. You said you did a dime

for some pretty nasty sh*t.

It was some nasty sh*t,

but does that mean I murdered somebody?

- You implied it.

- You didn't murder someone, what'd you do?

All right, listen, get in here.

You guys ever see the movie

Snow Falling on Cedars?

No.

- Never seen that.

- I love that movie.

What happened was is that I took a video

camera into the movie and I bootleg it.

They was waiting right outside the exit.

They got me.

- You did 10 years for video piracy?

- Yeah.

- They take that sh*t so serious, man.

- Not that seriously.

We've been taking murder advice...

...from some guy whose biggest crime

is taping an Ethan Hawke movie.

- So you do know the movie.

- I know who's in it.

Everyone knows the movie. That's not

the point. You tricked us, Motherfuck--

Hang on a second, something doesn't

stack up quite right with this, all right?

So you just call yourself a video pirate,

right? Pirating the high seas of videocy?

Why do you carry a gun on you,

Mr. Video Pirate?

- A gun?

- Yeah.

- I don't wanna see it.

- It's my cell phone.

-It's a Sidekick. I'm gonna be in the car.

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