Horse Feathers Page #4

But I got them in the speakeasy.

- You got the wrong ones.

The ones I told you about are playing

for Darwin. - Send for Baravelli.

Don't leave a stone unturned.

He's probably under one.

Baravelli!

...2671, 57, 84, 59, 71...

What are you doing in there?

- I'm practising secret signals.

Come on out.

What do you want? - You can fix it

for our team to win. - Oh no,

I want to play. - Alright, but listen.

I want two Darwin players kidnapped.

Have you any experience in kidnapping?

- You bet. You know what I do?

First I call them up,

then I send them my chauffeur.

What kind of a car you got?

I no got a car, just a chauffeur.

But when you have a chauffeur,

aren't you supposed to have a car?

Well, I had, but it cost too much,

so I sold the car.

I would have kept the car.

I gotta have a chauffeur

to take me to work in the morning.

How can he take you to work?

He don't have to. I no gotta job.

That's it. How much would you want

to stand in front of a firing squad?

Now just a minute, boys.

I didn't come here to fight.

You have to, I've taken my coat off.

- I wanna talk to Baravelli.

You wouldn't mind stepping out?

I'd love to,

but I have to see the girl first.

I've got a proposition. - Watch out,

he's nearly as crooked as you.

Let's go in here.

I want you to do something for me.

- I'm busy.

We gotta kidnap a couple of players

from the Darwin team.

Is that so?

You don't mean McHardie and Mullen?

Sounds like it. But the fellas I mean

are Mullen and McHardie.

Let me give you a tip.

The boys live at 39 Hanley Street.

Thanks! - Now, I want you

to do something for me.

What do you want?

- Listen,

give me the signals,

and this 500 bucks is yours.

Alright.

Here's the signals.

Want a minute,

these are Darwin's signals.

You think I'd give you 500 dollars

for Darwin's signals?

They cost me 200.

I gotta make a little profit.

Listen, you gotta get busy

and get those football signals.

I thought you were going to get them.

- I wouldn't be asking you then.

You just have to get to the professor.

He's got the Huxley signals.

And I'm depending on you to get them.

Yes, but how?

- You know how.

Romance him, baby, romance him.

And remember, all you're to get

is the football signals.

"Everyone says I love you,

but just what they say it for,

I never knew,

it's just inviting trouble for

the poor sucker who says I love you.

Take a pair of rabbits who

get stuck on each other

and begin to woo,

and pretty soon you find a million

more rabbits who say I love you.

When a lion gets feeling frisky

and begins to roar,

there's another lion who knows

just what he's roaring for.

Everything that ever grew, the goose

and the gander and the gosling too,

the duck upon the water,

when he feels that way too, says..."

That's a wise quack.

You keep your bill out of this.

How would you like it

if I butted into your affairs?

This is my first time in a canoe

since I saw "The American Tragedy."

You're perfectly safe, Professor,

in this boat.

I was going to get a flat bottom,

but the boat girl didn't have one.

I could go on like this

drifting and dreaming for ever.

What a day. Spring in the air!

Who, me? And fall in the lake?

Professor, you're full of whimsy.

Can you tell from there?

I'm always like that after radishes.

Is that important?

- Is it important?

Those are the football signals.

I've got a duplicate in my pocket.

I always carry two of everything.

This is my first date with one woman.

You mean

you take two girls out every time?

I hate to see a girl walk home alone.

You know, Professor,

I've never seen football signals.

You think a little girl like me

could understand them?

I think you could understand anything.

Is the big stwong man

gonna show liddle icky baby

all about the bad football signals?

Was that you or the duck?

If it was you, I'm with the duck.

If icky baby don't learn

about the football signals,

icky baby gonna cry.

If icky girl keep talking that way,

big stwong man

gonna kick all her teef in.

Naughty man is only fooling!

Just for that I'm coming over

to smother him in kisses.

- You couldn't make that onions?

Oh, so that's your game.

Professor Wagstaff!

Just call me Quincy.

And later you can call me Quince.

Throw me the lifesaver!

Please hurry, Professor.

Hello. Yeah, this is McHardie.

So they're coming right over?

OK, we'll take care of them.

Jennings says Baravelli and the dog

catcher are coming to kidnap us

to keep us out of the game.

This is the place.

Now how we gonna catch 'em?

No, that's for flies.

Baseball players catch flies.

We look for football players.

You bring the tools?

You got the shovel, the axe

and the pick? Where's the pick?

No, that's no pick. That's a hog.

Don't you know what a hog is?

Oh, come on, let's get busy.

We gotta kidnap those players.

Mullen und McHardie?

That's us. What can we do for you?

- You got a brother?

No.

- You got a sister? - Yeah.

She's a very sick man.

You better come with us.

What happened to her?

She crash her automobile.

She has no automobile. - Then she fell

off a horse. We drive you there.

You will? I have no sister.

That's alright.

We gotta no car. Come on.

You think

you're gonna take us for a ride?

This is gonna take a long time.

Try one at a time.

Odin't work, eh?

Get tough.

Get tough with the other one.

Get tough with both of them.

Tougher!

Now you're getting someplace.

You better think of something else.

I'm exhausted, too.

Maybe you fellas got an idea?

- I'll say we do.

Where's that rope, Ed?

Get 'em, Ed!

Hey guys, we'll let you know

how the game comes out.

Now they've kidnapped us!

That's a fix-a fine we're in.

How we gonna get out?

I got an idea. You got a rope?

That's fine. Tie on the bed,

throw the rope out the window.

Tie on the bed,

throw the rope out the window.

Hey!

What you do? You no tie on the bed.

No, I mean a-tie the rope.

Now what you gonna do?

You crazy! That's a-no good.

How we gonna get out?

You wanna break-a my neck?

Don't worry, Mr. Jennings,

everything's working out fine.

Alright. That game's in the bag.

See ya later.

Wonder what the two mugs

are doing up there?

Our little playmates,

just in time for a cup of tea.

We got no cups. See ya after the game.

Come on, Pinky. - No yuh don't!

Take off your coat. Come on.

Off with your shirt.

Quit stallin'.

Now take off your pants.

- I got a date, nothing doing.

You too!

Take that coat off.

Stand over there, you.

Come on, Ed, let's take their clothes.

So,

if you boys'll excuse us,

we'll run along and play football.

Tune in on the radio if you

want to know how the game's going.

I'll send my sister over

to keep you company.

Gee, I guess it's locked.

Boy, what a pretty play.

Darwin's just got a fourth touchdown

and the crowd is going wild.

There seems to be no stopping

Mullen and McHardie.

Two minutes left to play

in the first quarter,

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