Hot Tub Time Machine Page #5

God, I can't stop thinking about last night.

It was like frigging hot.

It was? What did we do? I don't remember.

You lasted, like, 10 minutes.

Oh!

Good, good.

And I was good.

I think I came. I think.

I can't even tell you what it was like.

I got some vague recollection of that.

Wanna maybe just sit

and talk for a minute?

"Talk."

Well, I mean, you know,

it's just so good to see you again.

It's not you. It's me.

Lamp.

You know what,

I think we should go to Poison now.

You're weird today.

I know. You are funny.

- Let me just get dressed.

- Okay.

Wow!

Oh, man!

This is trippy.

What's up?

Man, I can't even remember

the last time I saw you guys.

Yesterday.

Oh, yeah. Yesterday.

Yep.

It's not cheating. It's not cheating.

It's 1986.

You don't even know Courtney yet.

You know, it's okay if you're scared, Lou.

I'm not scared, idiot. I'm f***ing pissed.

I have a full head of hair

and a functioning penis,

and I'm looking for some guy

to drill me in the f***ing jaw.

We're not gonna

find him here, anyway.

I don't even remember what he looks like.

- Walk much, f*ggot?

- Sorry.

What? No, don't touch me.

F*** your "sorry."

You scuffed up my Jordans.

You wanna go for it?

Come on, take a shot, p*ssy. Wanna party?

Wanna be a hero?

And here it comes.

Yeah, you gonna cry?

You gonna cry, titty baby?

You gonna f***ing cry?

Look at him he's crying.

Your f***ing bag is mine now.

Is that it?

No.

No, I yell back at him

and I challenge him to a rematch

at midnight saying,

"You bring your friends

and I'll bring mine."

And my friends don't f***ing show up.

So I get pummeled

by six guys instead of one.

All right, fantastic. Let's do this.

Lou, come on. You have to.

Hey, Blaine.

Is that all you got? P*ssy.

Oh, God. Yeah.

I'll never go

back. I'll never go back.

Are you crying?

No.

It's the water splashing

my face from all the f***ing.

Okay, good.

Because I thought you were crying,

and I was like...

Yeah!

I'm sorry, Courtney.

- It's Tara.

- Courtney!

- Tara. Tara.

- Courtney! Courtney!

No, seriously, my name is Tara.

No, my wife, my wife.

You're married?

No, I'm not married. Not now, anyway.

I will be. She's nine right now.

Can I tell you something

that I haven't told anybody?

She cheated on me.

I found a e-mail.

And now every time I look at her,

all I can see is her getting rammed by

some faceless dude with

a better body and a bigger dick.

Truth of it is, I can't even

bring myself to say anything

because I just love her so f***ing much.

I don't even know if I can

live without her cheating ass.

Hey, what's an e-mail?

That's not the point!

Seems like you might've took

one defensive swing against him.

I mean, honestly, what the f***, man?

That was...

I don't know how you've lived

with yourself all these years.

It was pathetic.

It was pathetic. You couldn't have

kicked him from the ground?

What happened?

Uh...

This is a crazy story. I got hit by a truck.

Yeah, yeah.

Trying to save a baby deer,

if you can believe that.

Oh, my God!

Is there anything that I can do?

Are you okay?

Oh, my God. No, I'm fine. This is nothing.

You know what? Come with me.

I'm gonna take care of you.

And bring your friend.

No, we can't.

- We'd love to, but we can't.

- We can, we can.

We should probably go check

on that deer, actually.

No, we can go. We can go.

I know you cannot wait

Wait to see me, too

Oh, my God!

This is like the best song ever!

Maybe not ever.

At the drive-in

God, he's so hot!

In the old man's Ford

Behind the bushes

Can I get 3,000 beers?

Until I'm screaming for more

Down the basement

Who's next?

Who's next for the beer luge?

This guy! This guy's next!

He wants it so bad.

- You can do it, man.

- He wants it.

Luge! Luge! Luge!

That was so lame. That wasn't,

like, even violent a little bit.

Who are you,

and why did you do that to me?

Why? Because you looked

like you needed a luge.

- I'm Adam.

- I'm April.

- How are you doing?

- All right.

What brings you here?

Hot tub.

Huh.

- You?

- Poison.

- Right.

- That band. Poison.

I'm a journalist.

I'm covering the band for Spin magazine.

You don't really look like you're the type.

The Poison type? God, no.

I'm not. I'm really not.

I basically just got onto this bus

and it took me here,

to goddamn Winterfest.

Adam!

Whoo!

- You know what? I can't talk to you.

- You can't?

But I'm awesome. I can guarantee that.

I'm sure. You see, I have to walk

in the exact same footsteps.

This didn't happen.

- Well, it kind of happened.

- I wish it did.

- I just saw it happen.

- It really didn't.

Yeah. No, I contributed.

- I wish it did.

- All right.

See you.

I brought you some ice.

It'll make you feel better.

Let's see that.

- Feel better?

- That ice does make me feel better.

Butterflies.

Hey, you know what?

I just remembered I gotta meet a guy.

No, no. Wait.

No, you can't go.

'Cause guess what?

What?

I only do two at a time.

- What do you mean?

- What do I mean?

There those are.

Yeah, let's do this.

Him first? Okay.

It's your thing.

I don't wanna tell you what to do.

Hold on, I gotta get the phone.

Hello?

Mom?

- What?

- I wanna know what the doctor said.

Lou? Lou, we can't do this.

Yes, we can.

No, this didn't happen.

- We can't do this.

- Yes, we can.

- This didn't happen in the past.

- Yes, it did. Shut up.

This did not f***ing happen in the past.

You shut the f*** up, please.

We're gonna make, like, Hitler president

or something. We can't do this.

Look, can you be f***ing normal? Please?

Every young man's fantasy

is to have a three-way.

- Not with another f***ing guy.

- It's still a three-way.

What about the policy

of the butterfly effect?

The butterfly effect can suck my nuts!

Look, we're gonna have sex

with this girl, okay?

You, me, together.

Enough of this queer sh*t.

Let's get the mood right.

- All right. Look, right there.

- What?

You don't wanna seem overzealous

with a full-on rager.

You don't want

to insult the woman, either.

You're gonna wanna get at least

a half-a-chub going, right?

- Look at me.

- No.

- Look at that.

- No.

- Look at how, like, perfect that is.

- I'm not gonna f***ing look.

- Look, look. Here.

- What the f***, man?

- I'm out of here.

- Come on, Jake,

- I was just getting you started.

- Don't care!

Guys do that.

No one does that!

Hey. Onesies?

Sorry.

Okay, cool. I'm out of here.

Hey.

How did it go with Jenny?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Whoo!

Why aren't you dancing?

- Whoa! What's your name?

- That's Jacob. That's Jenny.

What the f*** are you doing?

- You're supposed to break up with her!

- I know.

No, no, no. Just check it out, okay?

Maybe she's the key to something.

And I messed it up

when I broke up with her before,

and now the universe

is giving me another crack at it.

And if you thought

you could really start over

and do something totally different,

you wouldn't even consider it?

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