Hot Tub Time Machine Page #6

You're absolutely right.

- You think so? Really?

- No. F***, no!

Come on!

What do you mean, you didn't do it?

I'm getting to it.

No, we were supposed to do

everything that we did.

- That's what I remember.

- Yeah, Adam, what the f***, man?

You were supposed to f***ing dump her.

You think I liked getting my ass

f***ed up and down the entire street?

- Because I didn't.

- It's not that I'm not gonna do it,

I just haven't done it yet.

There's a big difference.

Look at my face, dude.

Look at my f***ing face! Drink me in.

You think I wouldn't have liked

to have changed this?

Shut the f*** up, Lou.

You tried to rope me into a three-way.

- What?

- Did you?

- No.

- Yes.

Lou! Did you?

I didn't f*** that girl. Okay?

Because I'm committed

to not changing the past.

Right. It had nothing to do with her

wanting to be a Chinese finger trap.

And I'm not saying that

because she was Asian.

So you're telling me

I cheated on my wife for no reason.

Just relax, okay?

I'm gonna do it. I just haven't done it yet!

You're unbelievable.

- Hey, Nick, can I ask you a question?

- Yes.

Does this seem like

it's all about Adam again?

Yeah, just like Cincinnati.

- What?

- You gonna bring that up?

We said we weren't gonna talk

about Cincinnati ever, okay?

Is this why you have that shoebox

in your closet that says "Cincinnati"?

- Yeah.

- What? That's f***ing admissible!

You keep it in the closet?

What was I supposed to do with it?

You can't bury those things.

And you wrote "Cincinnati" on it?

How do I know which one

it's supposed to be?

- Is it a fetus?

- My friends are ridiculous.

Why are we still talking about this?

Okay, we said

we would never talk about that.

By the way, where does it say

in the f***ing friendship handbook

that you are the only one

who is allowed any f***ing problems?

I forgot that it says

in the a**hole handbook

that you can just f*** over

your friends whenever you want!

Actually, it would say that

in the a**hole handbook

if it was, like, guidelines

for being an a**hole,

- that's what it would say.

- Why wouldn't it say that

- in the a**hole handbook?

- Yeah, it would say

- to f*** your friends.

- "F*** over your friends."

- No, no, no.

- Have you ever read a book?

You're right. I'm sorry, my bad.

You guys are right.

But if you're changing

the f***ing past, okay,

then I'm changing the f***ing past,

all right?

No! Lou!

Okay! We're in the game! I like this.

I didn't change anything yet,

I just didn't do it.

And if we're changing sh*t,

you better be there at midnight

to get my f***ing back.

- Done.

- I'll be there.

Guys! Guys! Come on, man.

Talk to me about this!

- F*** off.

- F***!

- I'll be back in a minute.

- Where are you going?

- I gotta go. I'm getting out of here.

- No, no, Adam, listen to me, please.

Jenny Stedmeyer is not

your f***ing destiny, okay?

She's just some girl.

Some girl you dated in high school, okay?

I know!

I just got some emotions coming up.

I got some feelings that I got to deal with.

I'm gonna do it.

I believe in you. You're awesome.

You know what? That's fine.

Everybody just take off!

I don't need to be born.

I'll just go find the repairman myself

and fix the time machine.

That's the dumbest thing

I've said in a while.

You made the best decision of your life,

choosing me as your friend over Adam.

I'm pretty sure

that's not what's going on here.

Don't be afraid.

I'm gonna treat you right.

- Daddy's gonna take care of you.

- Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Here we go.

It's like a slow-motion guillotine.

What the F-ing f***?

Here we go. Here we go. Round two.

- Should we help him?

- No. No. This is his destiny.

F*** you!

- Did it happen?

- No.

If that guy doesn't lose his arm soon,

I'm gonna f***ing take it from him myself.

Man!

Blaine!

Come on down, man.

Have a brewski with us.

There's a party.

"No foreign army

has ever occupied American soil.

"Until now."

Watching Red Dawn again, or...

Wolverines!

They're Ruskies.

And these are their secret

Commie weapons.

What are you talking about?

Look at this stuff, man.

They could be spies or something.

I don't know, Blaine. I mean, they seem

a little young to be spies, you know.

Come on, Chaz.

They could be

some kind of 21 Jump Street

spy battalion-type dudes.

Yeah. Yeah. Or not at all, you know?

There's also that.

What the f*** is this?

There's something I wanna talk

to you about.

It's something I'm supposed to do

but I don't wanna do.

- You know why?

- Okay, Adam. But...

Because I was thinking

about how good we are together, right?

- Don't you think? I really think so.

- Okay.

And I was talking about the future

and I was thinking about,

well, my future is this way

and maybe it could be this way.

I know I'm rambling now.

God, you're so beautiful.

But we got along so great and...

What is that?

It's a note I wrote to you.

You should read it.

- Right now? Okay.

- Yeah.

"Dear Adam, you're a super-terrific guy

and I love you.

Aw!

"And that's why this is so hard for me.

"You're one of the most amazing people

that I've ever met. I can't..."

Are you breaking up with me?

That's what this... This is a break-up note?

I'm sorry, Adam.

All these years! You stabbed me

in the eye with a f***ing fork

and you were gonna

break up with me anyway?

- Is that what you're saying to me?

- I did what?

Why are you breaking up with me?

That's not how this works.

You're such a great guy

and you're gonna find the right girl,

but it's not me.

And everybody knows what a big deal

you're gonna be some day.

No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not anybody.

Adam, okay. It's not you, it's me.

I say that to you. You don't say that to me.

That's not how this works.

Do you know what happens to you

if we don't go back?

- You end up with Billy Lavatino.

- I like him.

You may like him, but then you end up

pregnant with, like, trucker hips,

and you have a baby with Billy Lavatino,

and you're addicted to

Weight Watchers, you little b*tch.

- What did you just call me?

- Take this f***ing back!

Don't you... Jesus!

I don't get fat!

Gross!

If we're changing sh*t,

we gotta be taking advantage of sh*t.

- No.

- Mulligan.

- No mulligan.

- Come on!

- You had, like, five mulligans.

- Dude.

I'm not talking

about bad stuff, either, okay?

I'm just talking about good stuff.

Like keeping Manimal on the air,

you know?

Or preventing Miley Cyrus.

Preventing her from what?

Just preventing her.

And there's the catch! First down!

Oh, sh*t!

- I know this game.

- Yeah?

Yeah. This is the Denver-Cleveland

playoff game.

- This is the f***ing Drive, man.

- Yeah?

I know what we're gonna do.

Adam, hey. You're back. Awesome.

What's going on here?

Where are the guys?

- What's this?

- Read it.

"Dear Adam, you are

a super-terrific guy and I love you,

"which is why this is so hard for me.

I cherish our friendship."

She broke up with you?

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