Hot Tub Time Machine Page #7

And you still f***ing got stabbed

in the eye?

Leave me alone. Get out of here.

What are you doing here?

You writing poetry?

Just leave me alone

and get out of here. No.

You're writing f***ing break-up poetry.

All right,

I'm writing break-up poetry, okay?

Because my heart hurts.

- She stabbed me in my heart and my eye.

- Holy sh*t, you're wasted.

Look, I've had like two wine kills,

Captain Buzzcooler.

- God.

- You're f***ed up.

"Jenny's eyes, like a gypsy's lies

Cut right through the night

"Now those eyes are another guy's

And I'm alone with my pain"

That was clean.

Are you shitting me with this, Adam?

Look, you can recite it straight

or to the tune of Sweet Child O'Mine.

It doesn't matter.

Are these mushrooms?

Did you eat these mushrooms, Adam?

I like to eat them, you know?

A couple of them.

Holy f***, man, you gotta stay straight!

- You gotta help me get the guys back!

- Just relax.

You know, it's not always about

my emotional journey.

- It could be about yours.

- Put the coke down!

- God damn it, you little f***er!

- Give it to me!

Don't you f***ing get it?

I'm not gonna be f***ing born!

How much worse can it get?

What? The '80s?

New part shorted out another part.

I hope we can get

that thing working before dawn.

Wait, wait, hold on, is that when

the time portal closes, at dawn?

That's when the party's over.

F*** you, man. Listen.

I am at my wit's end with him,

so you gotta level with me.

Are you the mystical

time-travel guide-guy or not?

Don't you put your hands on me,

young lady!

I'm just trying to do my job, here.

F***, hold on.

Quit eating mushrooms, man!

I wanna have a few more.

What the f*** is happening to me?

I can't...

Dawn.

Hey, Adam.

All right, so anyway,

the repairman's doing his thing.

I'm gonna go find Nick and Lou,

and you stay right here. Okay?

- I'm gonna stay.

- You got it, but you can't leave.

I can't move, because I'm broken.

Man, you and my mom are so f***ed.

Hungry.

- Evening.

- You've got two arms.

But you're not going to.

You're gonna lose one.

- What?

- You're gonna lose that arm.

You're one of those joker guys.

Right. Right.

I don't care if you put that arm

in a steel f***ing vault,

that arm's coming off!

- You're gonna lose your arm.

- You're gonna lose your arm!

- I'm gonna rape you. I'm gonna rape you!

- I'm gonna rape you. I'm gonna rape you.

- Have a great night.

- Okay.

... to the end zone. Touchdown Cleveland!

Pay up, suckers! Pay up!

How does he do it?

How is he right all the time?

Let me ask you something, McFly.

How you getting so lucky?

I know the f***ing future, douche bag.

Really? One more bet.

Ricky, come on.

You said one more and then you'd be done.

I also said to shut the f*** up.

Remember that?

Okay, I love you. Shut the f*** up.

By the way, I love your coat.

I don't give a sh*t

about animals, either, so...

One more bet. High stakes.

All right. All right. Bring it on, Spader.

Bring it on, Jo-Jo.

I bet Elway throws a touchdown pass

with 37 seconds left on the clock.

Fat chance, a**hole.

Elway's done nothing all day.

Well then, in the spirit of high stakes,

let's make it interesting.

Let's make it interesting.

If I win, your wife gives me a blowj*b.

- Really?

- A classy one.

- Hey, screw you, kid.

- Hey, okay,

and if you win, name your price.

Touchdown pass at 37 seconds, exactly?

Exactly.

Fine.

You lose, I take all your winnings.

- Done.

- And you give your buddy a blowj*b.

What? Hell, no.

Wow!

- Deal.

- Deal?

- Well done. I like your style.

- I like your style.

He's very creative.

I don't like you

taking liberties with my dick.

Relax, okay?

We know the f***ing future. We can't lose.

Hey. Hey, there. What are you doing?

- Hi.

- Hey.

Okay, how's the view from down there?

It's nice.

Adam, right?

Yeah.

- Why are you bleeding in the snow?

- That? No, I...

I got stabbed in the face with a fork.

I saw it coming and I avoided it.

I mean, I didn't avoid it.

It just happened again to me

in a slightly different way.

Boy, I really wish I knew

what the f*** you were talking about.

All the choices we make in our life,

they're pointless.

There's no escaping the inevitable.

I don't know, man.

So, you're saying that your whole

entire life is predetermined to suck,

no matter what you do?

It's not the way I want it, but...

Kind of seems like

a really, really good excuse

to do something totally amazing

right now, tonight.

Like what?

Like perhaps hang out

with a girl that you just met

before her bus has to leave in two hours?

Right-o.

I thought you said we were

going to get some food.

We are. We're about to get some food.

I'm pretty hungry, actually.

Damn it. They forgot to leave the key.

Who did?

Carol and Stan Stapleton.

They're my friends. They live here,

and I housesit for them

when they go to Nepal, sometimes.

I thought you said

you came in here on a bus.

They usually do leave,

like, a side door open.

- They do?

- So let me... I'll be right back.

Okay.

Yep, it's unlocked.

Cheers.

So which one's Carol?

Carol's on the left.

Elway's last stand.

I'm really good at getting head. You'll see.

- Elway takes the snap.

- Go, baby.

He fades back. Elway fires.

He's got Jackson open.

He's impossibly open!

Wait, what's this? Vermin?

No, no, no! I know this squirrel.

That's a magic f***ing squirrel.

This doesn't count.

- He's distracted by a wild squirrel!

- What the f***?

Incomplete! Game's over! Cleveland wins!

The Dawg Pound is going

to the Super Bowl.

Oh, yeah!

I've never seen anything like it!

- He did it. Got to go!

- Congratulations. Look at all that money.

I was kidding about the blowj*b thing.

Obviously, we're comedians.

Hey, guys. Guys.

A bet's a bet.

Motherf***er!

So you're a Time Lord?

Mmm-hmm.

And a Jacuzzi is your spaceship?

That is correct, madam.

That's the only part of this whole thing

that doesn't make sense to me.

You're not the only one. Believe me.

I mean, the whole thing

is just totally insane.

Ew!

So, how's the future working out for you?

I mean, are you like a happy grownup?

- Not particularly, no.

- Yeah.

My friends actually think I ended up being

a completely selfish, f***ed-up person.

And they may have a point,

actually, if I think about it.

Hmm...

I'll tell you something

I haven't told somebody for a long time.

When I was a kid,

every Friday night, my father

used to take my sister Kelly and me

to this place called Flatirons

for steak sandwiches.

It was a family tradition.

That's sometimes a good thing.

But one year, we saw this commercial

for this place called

The Enchanted Forest of Pizza.

So the next Friday,

my dad's loading us up into the car.

We're like, "Daddy, we want to go

to The Enchanted Forest of Pizza."

And he's like,

"What are you talking about?

"We always go for steak sandwiches."

But we just stay at him

and we're whining, and we're badgering,

and finally he relents.

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