Hot Tub Time Machine Page #9

Of body and soul

Don't move too fast, people

Just take it slow

I'm caught right in the middle

of a thing right now,

but can I text you later?

- Can you what?

- Are you online at all?

I have no idea what you're saying.

How do I get a hold of you?

You come find me.

That just sounds

exhausting.

With no delusion

The feeling's irresistible

And that's how we moving

There he is. Where are your boys?

I thought they were gonna hold your sack.

Let's kick his ass, Blaine.

Where are my f***ing friends?

Whoo-hoo!

Let's get

Whoo-hoo!

In here

Let's get

Whoo-hoo!

While I get

Whoo-hoo!

- You like that song?

- Yeah, it's great.

It's gonna be a hit.

And runnin'runnin'

And runnin'runnin'

And runnin'runnin'

And runnin'runnin'

Thank you. Thank you.

Yes.

That was sweet.

All right. All right, man.

Good to have you back,

see you back up there, man.

Hey, it's coming back.

I should have done this years ago.

- Guys. Adam. Guys!

- About time.

Did you see him?

Did you see him rock out?

Shut up! Okay, we gotta find

the Chernobly to get out of here.

- Chernobly? Why?

- I don't know, exactly.

But the repairman said

it's got nitro-trainium...

- Nitratrinanium.

- Thank you.

Or some sh*t in it

that'll fix the time machine.

- That makes sense.

- Where's Lou?

Where is... What time is it?

F***! F***! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Lou!

- Where is he?

- F***.

Oh, my God! We missed it again!

Well, where do you think he went?

Same place as last time?

Keeps me together at the seams

I'm on my way

Shut up, you flamer!

I'm on my way

Hey, go home! Loser!

Hey, John Lennon gets shot!

Wait, did that already happen?

Lou!

Whoo!

They made it, everybody!

Best friends in the world!

Almost just in time!

My buddies.

F***ing Chimney Point, right? Here we are.

Bottle of scotch, end of the night.

Where were you?

We were just... We came...

Not tonight. Every f***ing night.

Huh? What happened?

We were gonna do sh*t together, man.

We were gonna conquer the f***ing world.

Me and you.

And then you cut me off.

What was I gonna do, man?

I was gonna let you

drag me down into your bullshit, Lou?

Yeah. Yes, because that's what friends do.

No, they don't, man!

Because then there's two people

stuck in the bullshit

instead of your sorry ass.

You should stick by your friends

through thick and thin!

Okay, great. I got two things to say to you.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Number one, I hate you.

- Got it.

- Our friendship means nothing.

All right, is that the first thing

or the second thing?

What? No, clearly that's still part

of the first thing.

- I mean, am I the a**hole?

- Did you get that?

- No, I didn't get it. I thought...

- He didn't get it.

He said A and B...

Let's agree to disagree

about the "first" thing.

Lou, where is the Chernobly?

We need it to get back.

"Where's the Chernobly at, Lou?"

That's all you ever f***ing care about.

It's the first time he mentioned it.

Yeah, and even if we had

mentioned it before,

it's kind of a f***ing big deal, okay?

I wanna go home.

Come on, Lou.

Let's talk about this inside.

- You got no shoes on. It's cold out.

- Who took my f***ing shoe?

Blaine apparently beat your shoe

off of you,

which I don't even know how

that could f***ing happen.

Okay, f*** it!

F*** you, f*** you and f*** you!

- Easy, man.

- Whoa, Lou!

I got you.

Oh, my God!

- Is Lou dead?

- Sh*t!

There he is.

I can't hold on.

- Yes, you can!

- Yes, you can hang on!

- I'm slipping.

- No, hold on.

No, Nick. Hold on. Guys!

Phil! Phil!

Oh, f***!

We're dead! This is how it happens!

This is how he loses it!

F*** it!

F*** it, we're dead men! Just let me go.

Lou, be positive.

The roof is scraping my nut!

Damn, you strong.

All right.

You're all right?

I'm glad you guys are all right.

My fault.

Why do you do sh*t like that?

- I'm sorry! Jesus!

- Thank you, Phil.

All right,

here's the second f***ing thing, okay?

Blaine's got the Chernobly.

Let's just get it from him,

so we can get back to the present

so I can start never seeing

you b*tches again.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Hey.

I was looking for you. Where'd you go?

I had to go...

My friend got in trouble, but I had to...

I'm leaving right now.

You're leaving right now?

- Yeah.

- That's not good.

I told you, I had two hours. I gotta go.

Uncle Adam, come on!

Who the f*** is that chick?

Do you wanna come with me?

- Get her fax number and let's go.

- Come on.

- I can't.

- Yes, you can.

You can do whatever you want, man.

It's your life.

- I want to.

- Good. Then come on.

But I can't because my friends need me

and I gotta show up for them,

so I really can't.

Okay.

So what are we... I mean, do we...

- What happens?

- I don't know.

I'm not really making any plans.

I'm just sort of letting

the universe surprise me, right?

I like that. I like that a lot.

That's the sign of a happy man.

April, let's go!

Sh*t.

Maybe the universe

will bring us together again.

I hope.

Casanova, let's do this!

Just turn it around

and keep it running, okay?

Yeah, sure thing.

Okay. You go this way, I'll go this way?

No, I'm gonna do the opposite

of everything you say.

Great.

Wonder which one's Blaine's room.

Housekeeping.

Go, go, go.

Let's try in here. Where is it?

Come on! Come on, come on.

Panties, panties, panties!

What the f*** are you doing?

Why don't you shut your slut mouth

and mind your own f***ing business?

You disgust me.

I love how much you hate you.

Thank you.

- They're here, come on.

- F***!

"F***" as in, "The Chernobly's here

and we're all good"?

No, "f***" as in, "f***!"

Where's Nick?

Admit it!

You sucked his balls, you licked his booty,

you sucked his toes.

Was his dick bigger than mine?

You wore the heels, didn't you?

Admit it, b*tch!

There's gonna be some changes, all right?

First, I'm dropping "Agnew"

from my name.

No more hyphenate.

Next, I'm getting back on stage.

I'm going back to music because I jam.

But you wouldn't know nothing about that

because you're probably somewhere

sucking a motherf***er's dick!

Excuse me?

Hang up the phone, Jerry.

This sh*t don't concern you.

How do you know my name?

Hang up the phone, motherf***er!

This is between me and my wife!

Hey! Give me that phone!

Give him the phone, Nick.

I know what I'm doing.

I know what I'm doing!

No, you don't, man.

Let it go! Let it go, man.

Wrong number.

But you're a bad girl and you hurt him.

Were you just yelling

at your 9-year-old wife?

Yes.

God damn it. I'm gonna

go nuclear on these guys.

They couldn't have gone far, man.

Lou! Come on, we gotta go.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Mom?

Hey, did you find the Chernobly?

You motherf***er!

- Where did he go?

- Jacob?

- What the f***?

- What's happened?

Oh, my God. I get it.

- I'm his father.

- What?

Wait, so what do we do?

Oh, my God.

Hit that.

You finish this.

Okay.

Lay down.

We got a stupid baby to make right now.

I'm back inside of you.

I can't believe I'm f***ing Adam's sister!

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