House Party 3 Page #7

---

Women that wouldn't talk to me before.

I don't understand it.

PLAY:
At least act like you know, man.

Women, that's just how they're livin'.

Word, Play is right man. Women are just like cats.

Finicky. When they want you, they want you.

When you got a girl, that's when they want you.

Oh, Stinky, what the hell are you talking about?

Yeah, Stinky, since when did you become an expert on women?

All you date are fat girls.

See, that's where you're wrong.

I don't date just fat girls.

I date skinny girls on the verge of being fat,

fat girls on the verge of being obese.

Matter of fact, I'm dating your sister.

What's she, 380? I'm taking her

to the slaughterhouse to eat tonight.

That was unnecessary.

It was, I admit.

But why crush a guy's ego? Y'all think you're all that.

You think you some kind of Dark Gable or something, man.

PLAY:
Well, suppose I am.

Well, suppose you ain't.

You know I'll pick up your roster,

and I'm dating one of your girls tonight.

You recognize 555-12-37?

Give me my beeper, fool.

What was up with you and Maxine last night, man?

She was like all up in your grill.

That girl is the bomb.

Heh. Yo.

You said that right.

That girl has the fattest rump shake. I can't front.

PLAY:
I would've waxed that ass, man.

I mean, you got a couple of days.

And I was gonna save it as surprise.

But through reliable sources, through to grapevine,

Sydney's back in town.

And I know you wanna wax that butt one more time.

One more time. Just tear it up.

Just tear it up, man.

STINKY:
Hey, yo Kid, man, if you need my crib for anything

to get away from Veda or to get hold of Sydney,

hey man, just call me, it's yours.

Look, guys, for the last time, Sydney is yesterday's news.

I'm committed to Veda. Okay? Let's go.

You going out. Next thing you know,

you'll be watching Oprah butt naked

eating bon-bons with Veda.

[SIGHS]

Ooh, I know you gonna look good

because you know you got it going on.

Just too bad you getting married.

I told you.

Hmm.

Now let's get just started.

[CHUCKLING]

You still shop at the little boy's shop.

Don't you? Ha, ha.

You laugh now that I got a body of a little boy, right?

But you know what, I got the power of ten men.

You know what I'm saying.

PLAY:
Tell her, cuz.

With them two big donuts you got right there,

you can feed a starving child in Somalia for a whole month.

Can I have one?

Please. Your mouth don't open that big.

Besides, little man, I'd use you like dental floss

and then I would throw you away.

Ooh. That's all right.

But nine out of ten dentists recommend me.

So, what's up? Let me clean them teeth.

Please. Let me measure a real man.

Hey, check it out.

Kid's bachelor party is Friday night

at the Densmore Hotel. How about you come on down

and bring your two friends with you?

I'll put them on the guest list.

Hey, don't go there.

Just how much are we paying for these tuxes?

Hey, we ain't gotta go there either.

I got this covered.

[]

Ho, ho, motherf***er, the Showboat is back in town.

[BARKS]

Sh*t.

You can't bring them animals in here.

Do you have a leash for her?

I got a funny feeling.

A real funny feeling that you all took my money

and used it for his bachelor party.

Check this out.

SHOWBOAT:
Let me tell you something.

If I don't get that contract right now,

Ol' Cujo here is going to give you three new a**holes.

PLAY:
Uh, Showboat, come on, man.

We're supposed to be boys, man.

I mean, I'm-a do good by the contract.

You know that. Hey, man, two days.

Trust me.

I told you, the Boat don't trust sh*t!

Eat them, Cujo. get them!

WOMAN:
Hey, hey! not in here!

[DOGS BARKING]

[ALL YELLING]

SHOWBOAT:
You can run, but you can't hide.

We'll get you later. You'll see, we'll get you.

Hello. No, Marques is at the playground.

All right. Call back later, Tracy.

[PHONE RINGS]

Kid's Funeral Home, you stab them, we grab them.

Uh, no, Marques isn't here, Gina.

A party? No, they're not having no party.

Can I ask how old you are?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You sound a little old to be calling him.

All right, just call back later, okay? All right.

AUNT LUCY:
Hi!

VEDA:
Is everybody ready?

I've got the engine running, my mother has food on the table,

and we don't wanna keep my mother waiting.

What a pretty girl.

I should introduce you to my boy Kid.

Kid, you ought to marry this girl.

She's much better for you than that fiance

you brought here yesterday.

I mean, that girl was way too tall for you.

Ha, ha. You're right, Aunt Lucy.

I am a better choice.

Oh, yeah, much better than the girl

that wanted Night Heat at her party.

Tsk.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. You know the one.

The one that thought I was still hung up

on the big booty girl, Sydney.

Ha, ha, I'll bet you she didn't even make you French toast.

Come on, Aunt Lucy, let's wait in the car.

Would you hurry up, please?

Where's Uncle Vester?

VESTER:
Hey, hey, look.

Hey, woman.

Here we go. Hey.

Ooh, Good Lord, have mercy.

I wanna put you on a plate with biscuits

and gravy and suck right up.

Whoo.

Aunt Lucy, wait. That's not my car!

Mm.

You guys come in here.

Where have you guys been? What took so long?

We just have to go for our little daily walk.

Yeah, you got to get that exercise.

Exercise yourself on in that kitchen.

Get those dishes you left this morning.

You got no dog on this one.

Heh. So how do you feel, boy?

Ah, Uncle Vester, I'm still a little nervous.

This is such a big night.

I just don't wanna do anything that I'll regret.

Oh, son. We gotta talk about that the other night.

What did I tell you? Let that go. Be yourself.

We're going over there. We're gonna be ourselves.

We'll show you're educated.

Say Diddy hellos, how to have good time tonight.

You gotta believe that. Let it go.

Okay. All right.

All right.

You're not packing, are you?

You know I'm blessed.

I'm hung low. Stay out of my personal business.

Who you with?

Uncle Vester.

Who you with?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello!

Hey, yo, what up?

Can I speak to either Kid or Play?

MARQUES [OVER PHONE]: No, they ain't here.

This is Butcher from the catering company.

Is the party still on?

Yeah, the party is still going on.

Will you tell Kid or Play that, um,

I ain't serve nobody until I get the rest of my money.

MARQUES:
I guarantee you your money.

But you got to bring the food here.

That's 1637 Blast Ave.

Oh, you want me to bring the food there?

That's right if you wanna get paid.

Okay. Bye.

Yeah, right.

Veda told me you're down-home folk.

So I thought we'd have a little soul food dinner,

something I'd know you people would like.

I don't care what you serve long on that occasion.

The food looks great, mom.

Oh, thank you, doll.

Have no plate?

Aunt Lucy, don't worry about him not having no plate.

I got plenty of food for him.

Uh, Christopher,

I suppose you haven't made it big

in the music business yet.

Oh, well, dad, uh, my partner and I--

How did you expect to support a wife?

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes