Housos vs. Authority Page #4

Proceeds of crime do not count

as legitimate income

for child support, d*ckhead!

It's your baby!

You put the sperm on the stomach!

We only had a sixty-niner, mate!

Junior!

Franky!

Hey, Bubbles! Muli!

Help me! Help me!

- Uh!

- Get off him, Franky!

Junior, I got it!

Cops! Cops!

Cops! Cops!

It's police, man!

Run! Come on, everybody!

Oh, cops, cops, cops, cops.

Mate, how did we lose the money, mate?

There's, like, three of us.

Mate, I lost two f***in' good thongs

on the b*tch! I had a go!

How much was it, bro?

What, you think I had time to count it?

Man, I done a lot of robberies

in my time,

but I swear to God,

that whole thing in there,

that was just freaky, mate.

So, like, I go in there, right,

and nobody notices me.

Why? 'Cause they're all,

like, playing on their phones.

Like, it's like I'm invisible.

Man, I don't know.

I'm just putting the whole thing down

in my 'freaky sh*t' files.

And I don't mean to be a prick, Dazza,

but, man, my thongs are killing me

from this stooging around.

Like, I need a rest now, mate.

Yeah, bro, and after that punch-on,

I'm thirsty as.

This is like work!

F*** Shazza and her f***in' money!

I need a cone!

- Hey, Big Wheels.

- Hey, Dazza.

- You wanna buy some pot?

- F***, yeah.

I got no money, but.

Can I get it on credit?

- No, no credit, mate.

- F***!

A lot of people say

a lot of stuff about Sunnyvale,

like it's like

a sh*t sandwich at a picnic.

That's rubbish.

Tell ya one thing, but.

It's never boring.

I got her number.

Yeah, last Friday.

Hallelujah, baby! Whoo-hoo!

Oi! Oi, Shaz?

Hey, I don't mind if you sleep,

but watch where you

drop your cigarette, right?

Ya nearly set Neddy on fire, darl.

You and I need to have a talk, Darren.

Oh, poo, he stinks! You take him.

You're f***in' useless!

Look, Daz, I need you to listen to me

for a second, alright?

Now, I haven't asked you for nothin'

since we've been together, eh?

But me mum, she's real f***in' sick

and I need to go visit her, right?

She lives in Ayers Rock.

Can't ya just Skype her,

like, on the computer?

No, I can't just f***in' Skype her!

I wanna go see her!

Shazza, stop hassling me, right?!

You're making me feel like a nut

twisted up inside a pair of budgies!

Hey! Will you two shut the f*** up?!

Get f***ed!

We can't shoot up

with all that f***in' noise out there!

Up your arse, mate!

- And up your arse too, b*tch!

- F*** you!

I can't hear the TV!

Dazza, ya bogan unit. Get in here, man.

Out! You boys jump in the boot.

Make some room for your Uncle Dazza.

- Nice wheels, Franky.

- You like the paint, man?

I just knocked this off.

I've done it all myself, mate.

Pimped my own ride.

Dazza, you're like

gettin' me depressed lookin' at ya.

- What's wrong?

- Shazza's doin' my head in.

She wants us to

take this big f***in' trip, right?

I don't know why her f***in' slut of a

mum can't just drive her arse down here.

- Where's her mum live?

- Near f***in' Ayers Rock!

Ohh!

How the f*** am I gonna get

me and Shaz up to Ayers Rock?

Ayers Rock, it's nothin' but a big rock.

It's f***in' boring.

Hey, Crystal? Wanna give me a pash?

Franky, look out!

Ahhh!

Coppers, mate!

Hey, hey, watch this! Watch this!

Hey! Hey, hey, mate!

Are you alright?

Well, then, you'd better cop a thong,

you d*ckhead!

Get the other one. Get the other one!

Suck on that, poof!

Go, go, go, go!

Hey, kids, stay in the boot!

I'll come back for ya later!

All units!

All Sunnyvale units.

Officers down! Officers down!

Oh, f***! Useless bastards.

They always do this.

Uh, Sunnyvale 4 radio,

that's a negative.

We've just been handed

a brown paper bag.

We are assessing its contents. Over.

I like that one.

What are you staring at my chips for?

I'm not staring at your chips.

No, you are. You are.

I'm just seeing if you were

gonna finish 'em this time.

No, no, no. You stare

at my f***in' chips every time.

You do it every f***in' time.

Yeah, because you never

finish your chips, Garry. Every time.

- I f***in' do.

- Garry, you never do.

- That's why I don't order chips.

- You want chips?

- Are you gonna finish 'em or not?

- Here! Have some f***in' chips!

Why would you do that, Garry?

Hope you're happy now!

Hey, how about that cop?

He copped a thong in the face, mate!

You know what it was?

It was like Grand Thonged Auto.

Hey, Dazza, you gotta be

cheered up now, man. That was mad.

No, even the pot's not working, man.

What about if I get Kazza

to, like, you know,

flash these stripper tits, man?

Would that cheer you up?

Of course I wanna see 'em.

But I need f***in' money, mate.

Look, man, you know,

I do have a scam we could try.

That fat bloke down the road,

he's done it, and he got a mad payout.

What is it?

Franky knew this bloke Jim.

Well, let's just say,

Jim's a bit of a big bloke.

Anyway, he sort of fell

through the floor of his house.

So Jim sued the Housing Commission.

The big bugger got a huge payout,

and now he's all cashed up.

So Franky thought maybe with Beryl's

help, they could make some money too.

No bloody way! Ahh!

Argghh...!

Ahh!

Again!

Drop!

- Drop!

- Ohh!

That's e-bloody-nuff!

I'm already on the disability!

I don't wanna really be bloody disabled!

- One more, one more.

- No!

- Drop!

- Ahhh!

- It's not working!

- One minute.

I wanna check.

Look, it's a concrete slab.

She's heavy as,

but she's not going through.

Oh, good one, Mum!

Look, Daz!

I know youse are tryin' your hardest

but I've gotta tell you,

you are f***in' useless!

Alright! I know, OK?!

I blame me dad

because he wrecked me confidence

and was always

putting f***in' pressure on me!

F***!

Darren, you are a complete

and utter f***ing idiot.

You are a bloody loser.

You are a disgrace to me.

Dazza, you are a f***ing wombat.

You are a liability.

You are a f***in' drongo, aren't ya?

You are a f***in' wombat.

- What are ya?

- A f***in' wombat.

Why can't you all leave me alone?!

What sort of wombat are you?

Hairy-nosed wombat.

Go away!

Sad sack. Wombat.

F***in' idiot.

- Can I have a cuddle?

- You want a cuddle, do ya?

OK.

- You feel better now, do ya, son?

- Yes, Dad.

He was such a prick,

and he f***ed up my whole life, Shaz!

- Oh, gidday, Uncle Baz.

- Gidday, Shazza.

Now, if you're really desperate

in Sunnyvale,

and you got no-one else

to sort out your dramas,

you go and see the bikies.

Yeah.

For the right price,

they can organise just about anything.

Well, Shazza Jones.

What can I do for you?

Look, mate, you know

we done business together before?

I just need to make some money

so I can go visit me mum.

Shazza, you know I'd like to help ya.

And I do not want to sound like

an arsehole.

But we already tried you out

for the strip club.

What do we have to do

to get a tip off you tight-arses, eh?

Dazza may think you're a cougar,

but I can't put an old Holden

in with a bunch of new Ferraris.

Yeah, but you know

you can rely on me, eh.

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