Housos vs. Authority Page #5

I did that whole thing for you in Bali

with the boogie board,

and I didn't f*** it up like

Dazza's stupid cousin Schapelle did.

- Did I?

- Arggh!

Oh, f*** off, ya ugg boot.

Ya f***in' dirty skank!

Hey, Johno! Settle. This is business.

Tank, take him outside.

Polish me Harley.

But I f***in' polished it yesterday!

Oh, f*** off me! F*** off!

Come here, Shaz.

Tell me what you need.

Maybe I can help ya.

Now, Shazza told Angry she needed

to go up to Ayers Rock to see her mum.

I reckon Shazza

should've bought a lotto ticket,

'cause it was her lucky day.

Right, here's the keys to the van.

This is a fuel card.

It's only good for fuel.

So, you make the drop,

you can go and see your mum.

And then you bring the van back.

Do not f*** this up.

Arggh!

Oi, Dazza!

Get up, ya bloody gronk.

We're goin' on a road trip.

Kev!

They took the kids, you stupid arsehole!

They took 'em!

They took our babies! You bastard!

Kev, what's going on, mate?

F***in' DOCS took the kids, bro.

'Cause they burnt down the school again.

F*** you, Kevin!

It's your f***in' fault!

No wait! This could

work out real good, right?

Youse won't need child care,

'cause me and Shazza,

we're doin' a road trip.

- You guys wanna come?

- Yeah.

Oh, f*** yeah!

Hey, Mum!

We're goin' on a f***in' road trip!

When are ya f***in' comin' back?

I don't f***in' know!

Well, f*** off then!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Ahhhh!

- Ahh! Ahh!

- Hello?

Franky! Franky!

Dazza, bro, I'm having a threesome

at the moment, man.

We're going to Ayers Rock, mate!

We've got this mad campervan, mate.

It's got TV, DVDs,

got a shower and a dunny even.

- Franky...

- Hey!

- We've got a fridge full of free piss.

- Free piss?

So get your houso arse on the bus!

Come on, mate!

Why are we still talking on the phone,

man?

Are you f***in' serious, Franky?

I bludged me shift at the strip club

for this root.

Yeah, and I was

finally gettin' me rhythm on.

None of us blew,

so it's all equals, man.

Oh, we don't have all f***in' day,

Franky! Jesus!

We'll f***in' finish each other off.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey! Did one of youse

pull the tarp off the Corvette?

Nuh!

I think someone's

been stoogin' around with it.

Where's the engine?

Road trip, mate!

Spewin' about that engine, but.

Oh, hey, what the f***

are those fobs up to, bro?

Hey! Hey!

Hey, you coconuts! Is that my engine?

Hey, you didn't pay us the money

for the child support,

so we're selling your engine

so we can go get some money.

Ha, ha!

Why is Donkey Kong in the nude?

He doesn't want

to get his clothes dirty.

Stupid.

Don't get oil on your dip stick!

I've just gotta steal another engine.

Sucked in!

Stupid fobs, mate.

Hey, this bed's mad.

I'm gonna get up and have a go.

Oi! Just get down, Franky.

Franky, get down!

Oh, man!

This is like full comfortable, man.

- Just sit down in your seat, mate.

- Take it easy.

Why didn't youse tell me

there was a bed?

I would have brought one of the chicks.

So the bikies said all we have to do

is drive the van up there

and drive it back?

Well, don't f***in' argue.

It means I get to see me mum.

Anyway,

they give us a fridge full of piss.

What more do ya f***in' want, eh?

Hey, what's this?

Whose is these bags?

Now, Shazza's

being a bit of a sly bugger here.

The bikies usually run naughty stuff

up to the Territory

in the back of

this old couple's caravan.

But the old biddies

got busted the other week.

Well, looks like opportunity

was knocking for everyone involved.

Right, here's the keys to the van.

The bikies, they needed a driver,

and Shazza needed

a way to see her mum.

Hey. Is all these, like, you know, drugs

in these bags and the guns up there,

are they like complimentary as well?

Oi! Just put the sh*t back, would ya!

So these are not complimentary?

- What, you mean we're mules?

- Did you make us mules?

- Hey?

- Shazza, ya sly b*tch.

Yeah, alright.

So we're movin' sh*t for the bikies.

If youse had come up

with some more cash,

I wouldn't have had to bullshit ya,

would I?

You f***in' lyin' slut, Shazza!

I don't mind doin' the crime.

I just wanna know I'm doin' it.

Oh, sh*t,

there's a booze bus comin' up!

- Sh*t!

- Quick, hide that sh*t, man!

Well, f***in' hold this! I've got an

idea on my brain. Let me drive. Move.

- Just take it. Just get in there.

- F***!

- Switch mate, switch.

- Sh*t!

Hey, hey, hey, look who it is.

The K-Mart f***in' thong slapper.

F***in' Falzoni.

Let me handle it, man.

Stop there!

Stop f***in' there! Stop here!

Oh... oh, here?

- Hey!

- F***!

- Stop the f***ing vehicle here!

- Just one minute. I need a sip.

...arrest you, Falzoni!

What the f*** are you doin'?

Just f***in' stop!

- Stop the car, Falzoni! Here!

- There? OK.

F***in' stop! Stop here!

- Relax, mate!

- Get the f*** out!

- I'm comin'.

- Get out the other f***in' side now.

You're probably wondering

what Franky's up to.

Well, he may look stupid,

but he's always got a plan.

Listen, meet me at the Macca's,

like, near on the freeway.

I'll be there. Wait for me, alright?

I'll be there.

Alright. Youse can arrest on me now.

You're not getting away this time,

you little shitbag!

Hey, look at this, mate!

Franky wanted to create

so much sh*t with the coppers

that they'd forget all about the van.

Tastes like bacon.

Let's pepper-spray the prick!

Doesn't work! 'Cause of

the sunnies, you d*ckheads!

F***!

Taser the little f***!

Sucked in!

The bourbon covered

the electric effect, mate!

Franky's plan

worked like a charm.

The coppers went apeshit after him.

Oh, and the van full of naughty stuff

got away scot-free.

Don't go over the fence!

Cut him off at the park.

I know what this little prick's like!

# ROCK MUSIC

- He's gone there, Garry!

- Yep.

Garry, I'm not jumping over another

fence. Just f***in' kick it in.

- Jump the f***ing fence.

- Just kick the f***in' thing in, mate.

That's f***in' him.

Hello.

Hey. Hey, hey, it's a f***in' burqa.

This case could go on forever

if we get this f***in' wrong.

Remember what they taught us?

Always be f***in' sure.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look at the f***in' thongs.

- Huh?

- Look at those f***in' bunions.

- It's him, Gaz.

- Oh, it's him.

Piss off, d*ckhead!

Argh!

Come back here,

Falzoni, ya little f***er!

I can't f***in' chase anymore!

Oh, for f***'s sake, try!

I've got a massive stitch,

or I'm havin' a f***in' heart attack.

You know why?

It's because of all the f***in' chips

you stole off me, you fuckwit.

Oh!

This is the way

it's gonna go, boys.

You go in with a shottie - boom, boom.

You go in...

You know, when that new batch

hits Alice, we're rolling in money.

He went down like a sack of sh*t.

And I just fully started stomping,

caving his head in.

Caving his head in,

the stupid f***!

He doesn't even know who I am!

F*** you! F*** you!

F***in' training wheels.

Now after losing

the booze bus cops,

Franky knew he'd only have to worry

about the coppers on pushbikes.

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