Housos vs. Authority Page #9

illegal sexual activity

and defacing a national monument.

Matey, I'd like to sub myself in

as lawyer, please.

Refer to me as 'Your Honour'.

Refer to me

as 'Dazza with a big donger'.

Oh, don't be so rough!

It's what Ned Kelly would have done,

and he's a national sacred object!

Go, Ned Kelly!

Alright. Enough is enough.

I think it's time now that we brought in

some proper legal aid for you all.

Oh, f*** that!

The last legal aid I used

gave me a rash.

That was a marital aid, ya d*ckhead.

- What?

- F***in' chatty dildo.

Der.

Ohh...

Take her out too.

Oh, ya f***in' dirty dog!

F***in' dog!

Ohh!

Oh, that's f***in' chatty, Kevin!

F***in' chair vibrated.

Wish I had Ned Kelly's helmet.

I wanna defend meself.

And me the same as her,

to sub myself in

as the lawyer for me on my own, to talk.

If you don't remove your hat,

I shall have it removed by force.

You could try, mate. But, look,

let's move on from that, mate.

What am I here for?

I'm in possession of my charges

that I'm here to defend myself on,

so let's just get to that bit

where I get into the thing

that's gonna, like,

just get me off the hook and that and...

Oh, you sneaky prick!

I've just had

a bloody corker of an idea.

Let's leak this footage

to A Current Affair.

When the public see

these dirtbags in court,

I'm sure we'll rack up

a couple more approval points, hey?

That is perfect.

Look, I'll just organise it

with the press secretary right now.

Hey! Look, Judge, mate,

how about you let me have my say -

my say -

then if I can't prove

that I'm fully innocent,

I'll take off whatever you want, mate.

Hat, G-string, anything.

Yeah? Yeah, go.

You could use a hat, bro.

OK, your judgeness,

right now, I'm just gonna

skip on to a story I need to tell ya,

and this is gonna

get us off completely.

I'm warning you,

I'm starting to lose my patience.

Just hold on a minute, will ya,

and let me talk

'cause this bit's, like, full personal.

Like, what happened

was they got busted by security,

and I was, like, wandering, like, alone

like an idiot in the bush,

and these black guys,

like, I found them.

You know what they told me?

That, like, it's their rock,

they own it.

But, hey, who's rippin' 'em off?

Who's stoogin' 'em, mate?

The Government, mate.

The money that the Government's pinchin'

off them on the door fee to get in,

it doesn't even go to them, mate,

it goes to who knows.

That's a big rip-off, man.

Probably your wig tailor.

I've never owned a house.

I've only been in public housing.

But I think

that's a real f***in' sh*t go, mate.

And then I've gone

for a piss in the bush.

And, like,

I got kinda lost at that point

'cause it was all dark and I'm wearin'

sunnies most of the time.

It's a bit stupid, I know,

but that's just how I roll.

In the middle of nowhere, man,

there was this army base.

So I thought I could

just, like, get in there

and just ask 'em

to bludge a lift back to somewhere.

Um, any chance

I could get a lift back to?

No, no, no, no! Take it easy!

And how's this, mate?

American soldiers

busted me in this place.

They told me

that the base was American land.

I don't care what youse got to say.

This is Australia, man.

It's not American soil.

If ya keep on bullshitting me,

I'm gonna lose it, mate! I'll thong ya.

Can ya believe this?

You know, on the one foot,

they charge you, like, an arm and a leg

to go in to see a rock,

and on the other foot, the Government,

they're givin' away, like,

our land from this country

to other countries for free!

You know, when I found out about this,

I went off the hook.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

Oi, oi, oi!

# PUNK ROCK

I'm not scared of bullets, you poofs!

I come from a housing commission!

I'm not scared of STls!

What's going on?

And I know this bit's

gonna sound like bullshit,

but I swear on all the de facto kids

that I lost to DOCS, it's true.

Oh, no!

Ughh!

Oh!

They done, like, you know,

a few, like, sick probes on me and that.

'Cause you wear

them f***ing girlie shorts all the time.

What the f***

is wrong with these shorts?

Arrgh!

Ahh, my arse!

F***in' paranormal activity

up my arse, mate.

Argh!

Oh...

F***, Franky, what f***in' drugs

were you and them Abos smokin'?

That's full racist

and, look, hey, if there was some drugs

that might have been taken

at that thing, that's alleged.

- Mm...

- You know? It's not bullshit.

I mean, 'cause I've got that motorbike

and I got a pain on the arse.

I don't wanna know

about your f***in' arse.

And how is any of this relevant?

That sh*t should not happen

to an Australian citizen, mate,

especially a disabled pensioner

like me, as classed by Centrelink.

I think you should

just go for acquittal now.

You could even, like, erase

a couple of fines for me, too.

That'd be mad.

All very interesting.

And now will you take your hat off?

After that whole story,

he's still on about the f***in' hat.

You know what? Cop a thong, d*ckhead!

Why couldn't ya just leave it?! F***!

Shh, shh, shh.

Hi. Is that the head editor

of A Current Affair?

How would you like footage

of a bogan throwing a thong

at a Supreme Court judge?

I'm surprised you lasted so long,

Franky.

Thong the judge, did ya?

I missed his stupid wig

by, like, only a bee's dick.

Can I talk

now them other d*ckheads are gone?

Are we guilty of breakin' in?

Yes. Why?

Well, 'cause we got no money, mate.

We got no money for fancy suits

and nice places to live.

I can't send my kids to a good school.

I can't even bury my parents

in a nice place.

And, yeah,

we might get smashed and do stupid sh*t,

and, well, you can make your laws

to stop us havin' fun,

but we're true-blue Aussies, mate,

and we ain't backin' down to anyone.

Go, Shazza!

Shazza! Shazza! Shazza!

We're like all the good Aussie heroes -

like the Anzacs in World War I I

and... and Phar Lap and f***in' Brockie.

Shazza! Shazza! Shazza!

Anzacs in World War I I?

What a faux pas!

This is why I send my kids

to private schools.

Sunnyvale for life, mother-f***ers!

- Yeahhh!

- F***in' Sunnyvale!

So as a real representative of all

true-blue Aussies livin' in Australia,

I got a message to give to you

and your government.

Mm.

Go get f***ed, you small-dicked

knob-jockey fuckwit wanker!

I rest my case.

# Waltzing Matilda

I think I went a bit far

calling the judge a f***in' wanker, eh?

Ned Kelly'd be proud.

Yeah, f***in' oath.

Well, the judge gave them all

ten years each

under the new national monument laws.

Pretty steep if you ask me.

And if you bet on

any of this coming good,

I tell ya,

it'd be a long shot for sure, mate.

Yeah, the housos looked truly rooted.

But it's funny how things turned out.

That night, A Current Affairs did play

the footage that the Senator leaked out.

Tonight on A Current Affairs,

the government department

that jailed these poor Aussie battlers

for trying to visit

our nation's national symbol, Uluru.

What?! That's not the story

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