Hurlyburly Page #5

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You are doing the right thing,

Eddie. You are.

Phil, isn't the fact

of the matter...

you signed

your divorce papers today?

Who said anything about that?

What's that got to do with it?

The baby, the divorce.

They got you. They blew you

right the f*** outta orbit.

What you need to do

is get yourself back into orbit.

What orbit? I am in an orbit.

I know. It's just such

a f***ing useless orbit.

You know, Mickey...

I could kick

your f***ing eyes out...

and never think about it

a second time...

so why do you take

these chances...

that risk ruining

both our lives?

This is the very point

I think Artie was just making.

Artie, is this your point?

Quit the goofy sh*t

for a second...

'cause I am trying

to make a point here.

Phil, look at the issue.

You're on this goddamn

wild roll...

'cause you signed

the divorce papers...

have the baby in the same month.

Why are you tormenting me for?

Just see the connection.

I know my reasons, Eddie,

but I am wired beyond them.

But hitting or not hitting

people isn't the issue.

It's this other stuff.

You enjoy hitting people.

That's what I want to talk

to Artie about.

Artie, do you have inside dope

on this karma stuff?

I'm checking my messages.

I'm on the brink here...

and you're checking

your goddamn messages?

Come on, have some compassion!

How many calls?

So, Artie...

what I need here

is a little more.

What I'm wondering is...

you got any particular useful

hard data on this karma stuff?

The procedures by which

this cosmic sh*t comes down...

inasmuch it might pertain to me

and what I do?

This is what I'm asking.

Do you know

what you're talking about?

He's a Jew.

I know he's a Jew.

I'm talking to him, ain't I?

Destiny is a thing...

you have to be somewhat educated

to have a hint about.

- But it's another tradition.

- Who gives a f***?

I'm not talking

about tradition here.

But the cosmos,

and has he run into anything...

in all the books he reads

that might help me out here?

See, Artie? So, what is it?

I'm gonna tell you.

It's about past lives, Phil.

There are past lives,

and we have karmic stuff...

that accrues to it.

There are debits and credits.

And what happens is...

This is not your investment

counselor we're talking about.

The fact you're talking doesn't

make it destiny speaking.

I was just hoping.

You know, he's a Jew.

I mean, there might have been...

some crazed Hassidic

motherf***er in his family.

You know, he came for dinner,

he had his pigtail. Right?

Nobody could shut him up

about karma, destiny...

the way of the stars.

It might have rubbed off

on Artie.

Do you see what's happened?

You disappointed him.

You built him up...

and then

you've disappointed him...

and he's at a critical juncture

in his life.

Yeah, well, so what? Who isn't?

You guys need to get laid.

And you, however, don't, huh?

I am, in fact, sustaining

a meaningful relationship.

The only thing sustaining

that relationship is the fact...

that she's out of town

two out of every three weeks.

Well, she's in town tomorrow.

I wouldn't mind getting laid.

What are we thinking about?

I was thinking primarily

of setting Phil up...

with...

I was thinking...

Bonnie.

You're getting Bonnie for Phil?

Artie, I cannot believe

this treachery.

Phil, this is competitive sex.

That's what I'm saying, Artie.

You saw what happened

this afternoon.

Oh, that's right.

He's got this thing.

Relent, I beg you.

Have I not explained myself?

I am feeling suicidal.

What thing?

Hi, this is Bonnie.

I'm not home,

or I'm on the other line...

so leave a message or page me

if you know the number.

Too bad if you don't. Bye.

Wait, one second.

He has this thing...

It's Eddie. I'm gonna page you.

He pulled out on this broad.

It's a vibrator

I carry around with me.

You carry a vibrator

around with you?

Yeah, as a form of come-on...

so the girls can see

I'm up for anything right away.

So what?

Some other guy

might carry a nail file.

I carry a vibrator. Big deal.

Sometimes

as a kind of mood setter...

I turn it on.

But this afternoon...

there was extenuating

circumstances.

Right. You forgot the weights.

He forgot about the weights.

You forgot about the weights?

Yeah, forgot about the weights.

Unbelievable.

Do you know

what he's talking about?

No, I have no idea.

You prick, you disgust me.

I'm living out of a suitcase.

Everything in it.

My weights, everything.

So what had to happen happened.

I threw the barbell

into the suitcase...

and it hit the vibrator.

I wasn't thinking about it.

You really did this, Phil?

You pulled out a broken vibrator

on this broad?

Then he turns it on...

and it goes

all over the place like...

Help me out here, Eddie, huh?

You are a rare human being,

Phil.

Underneath all the bullshit...

you have this real

instinctive thing.

It's like this

wide-open intuition.

Eddie, this is what

I think about myself sometimes.

I mean it's unique.

This goddamn imagination.

If you could channel it...

I have thoughts sometimes

that could break my head open.

If you could just channel this

into your talent...

Could this be it, Artie?

Could this be destiny,

in fact, at work, Artie...

and we are witnessing it?

The pattern in randomness...

so that we can see it?

Man without a home.

Careless weights.

Broken vibrator.

Disappointed broad.

And from this apparent mess...

two guys fall in love.

Whoa. Pay no attention, Phil.

He's jealous.

He could choke on his own spit.

I would feel nothing.

No, I would feel glee.

Bueno.

Hola. Cmo est?

Thank God you paged me.

I am currently foraging

for a goddamn friendly face.

If you have a spontaneous bone

in your body...

you will come here now.

Ooh, my world has evaporated.

I am a flying saucer.

I am on my way.

All right, good.

She's coming over?

This is a b*tch

who dances naked artistically...

at a club. That's her trip.

With a balloon.

That's what makes it artistic.

Without the balloon,

what is she?

What makes her artistic

is her blowj*b.

She's critically acclaimed.

Get her over here.

The best thing about her

is she is up for anything...

like the airport.

The airport?

Oh, God, the airport.

This was amazing.

We asked her

to go to the airport.

Robbie Radingham is coming

into town for some pilot.

He's a friend of ours,

we tell her.

We want her to relax him

on the drive to town.

She's a professional relaxer.

She's up for it...

because she's seen him

as a featured killer...

on several cop shows...

and she's been very impressed

by his work.

She's a f***ing critic.

So we get him in the car.

We want to make him feel

welcome...

so in the middle of this...

she reaches over

and unzips his fly.

He looks at her like she

just fell out of a tree.

"Don't mind me," she says.

We're acting like

we don't know what's going on.

Oh, yeah.

He's just this irresistible guy.

That's the impression.

Right, so now

she's gone down on him, right?

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